How To Wreck a Mary Sue
by Cassandrala
Summary: Kili and Danika have had it with fan fiction writers pushing them around and make a pact to ruin the mary-sue they've been forced into.
1. The Waiting Room

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**I**

**HOW TO WRECK A MARY SUE **

**-Who We Met Along the Road-**

_**Chapter 1 - The Waiting Room**_

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><p><em>"Elevator Music" Muzak<em>

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><p>Danika blinked. She was sitting in a wide waiting room—taupe walls, plush red chairs, and a water cooler with paper cups on the side.<p>

"Where am I?" She asked aloud. It was only after she spoke that she realized the chairs were being occupied with characters she recognized from the movie, The Hobbit.

"This is the waiting room, lass," said Balin from his chair.

"The waiting room? For what?" She said with a quizzical brow.

"The fan fictions." He shrugged. "Each of us are called upon to go through the door when it's our turn to occupy a fiction. Each fills whatever role he's been given."

Danika stifled a laugh and sat beside the older dwarf. "I'm assuming yours is just like in the movie; the one who gives explanatory dialogue and back-story."

Balin shrugged again. "In one fiction, I had an alleged affair with Thorin's sister, Dis, but for the most part, you're right. Still," he glanced around at the other waiting dwarves, "being an older dwarf means I'm safe from the fan-girls."

Danika peered around Balin, nodding at Thorin. "What's he so upset about?"

"Probably another smut story with Bilbo Baggins." Balin said, reaching for a magazine.

"They _do_ that?" Danika asked incredulously, her disgust showing plainly.

"It's called slash, I think." He said numbly, licking his finger and pulling at the corner of the magazine page. "They bear the brunt of it, but there's still poor Dwalin and Ori."

Now Danika's eyes scanned the room for Dwalin. The bulky warrior was sipping from a paper cup beside the water cooler while Bombur laughed at the bubbling noises that came from it. Meanwhile, Ori was as far away from Dwalin as he could manage, weeping in the arms of Dori.

Before she could ask another question, though, Danika was startled by the abrupt opening of the waiting room door when Kili appeared through it and plopped tiredly into a chair. This was when Danika realized Fili was sitting nowhere near him, though the blonde dwarf peered at his brother from across the room.

"How was it?" Fili teased.

Without looking up from the magazine he was holding, Kili extended his middle finger at his brother and blurted out a profanity.

"Another Mary-Sue." The blonde guffawed.

"I didn't realize those two hated each other so much." Danika whispered out of the corner of her lips at Balin.

"You can't expect them to be brotherly and loving ALL the time," Balin snickered. "That's pretty much all those two ever do: slash, family comfort—and they're always making Fili out to be a whiny and protective figure—Mary Sue's, and whump."

"Wait, what's whump again?" Danika asked through squinting eyes, trying not to stare at the axe in Bifur's head.

"That's the, uh," Balin scratched his chin just beneath his beard, "the hurt one. The one where they beat you senseless to evoke sympathy."

"I can't believe how many people like that," Danika sneered. Turning her head to face Kili, she called out, "There's one fan who thinks you're adorable_ without_ bruises—I like you just the way you are."

Just as before, without looking up from the magazine, Kili held up his middle finger toward her. She stuck her tongue out in reply, crossing her arms and sinking back into the chair.

"Don't be too hard on him, he gets the most slash." Balin said.

In red letters above the door, Kili's name appeared. "Again?" The archer grumbled, slapping down the magazine on the table. Heaving an exasperated sigh, he stood and looked around the room with his hands on his hips. "Alright, which loser is coming with me this time?"

Thranduil's name suddenly appeared just above Kili's.

"Oh, Mahal, no…" Kili's hands dropped to his sides. "No, no, no, no…"

"Wait, Kili!" Fili suddenly shouted, rising to his feet and putting his hands on Kili's shoulders. "I can't let you do this! Let me protect you and go in your place!"

Kili stared into his brother's face. "Wait, really? You'd do that for me?"

Fili broke into laughter, slapping his knees. "No! I wouldn't." Holding his sides in laughter, he dropped to Kili's previous seat. "It doesn't work like that anyway, so you're just gonna have to suck it up."

Kili took a few tentative steps toward the door before Fili added, "Literally."

"You'll get yours soon enough," Kili snarled before disappearing through the door.

"I can't believe what goes on here." Danika murmured. "I think I'm gonna be sick."

Balin leaned over to hand her a trash can, but she waved it off, feeling the sensation pass.

"At least _they_ occasionally get some action with the lasses," Bofur grumbled from his seat. "I only ever get Bilbo pairings."

"Aw," Danika scooted closer to him. "There's gotta be a nice Original Character out there, waiting for you."

"Not likely," he said, putting on a pretend goofy smile while he mimicked himself. "Hi, I'm the funny miner with the hat, I only ever have stupid things to say while I encourage other characters in _their_ adventures."

"That's not very fair." Danika said, putting an arm around his shoulders. "I'll write one for you, how about that? A nice brunette lass who laughs at everything you say and understands that you have a deeper side?"

Bofur nodded. "That'd be nice. Could she look like Beyonce?"

"Why doesn't anyone ever write anything for me?" Dori complained as Ori slunk off to the water cooler, splashing water all over himself like he was trying to take a bath.

Danika peered at the disgruntled Dori. "What's your name again?"

"At least you don't have to say things Out Of Character," Gandalf muttered. "And at least you don't have to resist the urge to correct grammatical errors!"

"Grammatical errors!" They all grumbled together.

Danika shook her head. "Some of them are just starting out, give them a break!"

"Oh, I'll give 'em a break." Dwalin growled, smacking his fist into his hand.

Danika paused for a moment. "Wait, so why am I here, again?"

Balin shook his head. "Not sure, lass. Maybe you're an OC."

"Better not be mine," Bilbo whined, rubbing his hands against his face. Realizing that he'd said it out loud, he apologized. "I'm just so tired from all this Bagginshield…"

"Maybe you're mine," Tauriel smiled from her seat.

"Er," Danika bit back the urge to gag, "I'm flattered, but I'm not really into that…"

The door swung open and out came an injured Kili, cuts and bruises marring his face, and a very haughty-looking Thranduil. "Until next time, slave…" The elf-king simpered.

Fili's eyebrows rose. "Bondage, eh?"

Kili crossed the room to sit beside Danika, raising his middle finger at Fili again.

"Poor thing," Danika said, reaching for a tissue and dabbing it at Kili's bleeding cheek.

"Thanks," Kili murmured, clenching his hands to keep them from trembling.

Everyone's head turned as Kili's name appeared above the door again.

"I JUST got back!" Kili shouted, spit flying from his lips. "I can't be expected to walk through the door like this!"

But his name flashed brighter, as though insisting that this is EXACTLY what he was expected to do. And just above Kili's name appeared Danika's.

"Are you kidding me?" Danika shrieked, dropping the tissue. She spared Kili a disgusted glance. "I don't even like you all that much."

"Gee, thanks." Kili said as he stood, touching his still-bleeding lip.

"That's not what I meant." She said with a roll of her eyes. "I'm a Thorin girl."

Thorin snickered from his seat, reclining against his chair with his hands clasped behind his head. "Sure. Whatever you want, sweetheart." But the way he said it was more twisted and devious than affectionate.

Danika sighed, clenching her eyes shut. "Fine. So, how do we do this?"

Kili looked at her like she'd grown a second head. "Um, you WALK through the DOOR."

"Well, yeah, I get that." She said, following after Kili as he came closer to the door. "But are we supposed to hold hands as we go through, or what?"

"We don't know if you're a love interest, yet." Kili growled. "So let's not rush to any conclusions. Just walk through the door." He groaned.

"Okay," she said with a preparatory sigh. "Here goes nothing..." But then she stopped. "Kili, wait!"

Kili stopped in his tracks, peering over his shoulder at the girl.

"What do you say we mix things up a bit?" Danika said with a mischievous smile. "What if we _don't_ do things the way the writer wants us to do them? This is probably a romantic pairing, right?"

Kili nodded.

"So, what if we do everything _wrong_?" She wagged her eyebrows at him.

Kili sighed. "That sounds really nice... do you really think we could do that?"

"I don't see why not." Danika said.

A grin started to appear on the dwarf's face. "Yeah, I like it. We figure out what category it is and we go against it." He offered her his arm and she looped her hand through his elbow. "Let's wreck this fan fiction."

Waving her hand at the door, Danika grinned. "After you, sir."

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><p><strong>This story is very open to prompts, so please leave your ideas in the reviews! :) Tell me some of your favorite- or least favorite- mary sue concepts!<strong>


	2. The Assessment

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**I**

**HOW TO WRECK A MARY SUE**

_**Chapter 2 - Assessment**_

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><p><em>"What I Like About You" The Romantics<em>

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><p>Danika blinked while her eyes adjusted to the room behind the waiting room door, arm still in Kili's arm and wondering where they were.<p>

"Bilbo's house," she whispered, taking in the wood furniture and fireplaces. "Really? This isn't going to be a _long_ story, is it?" She groaned.

"I hope not," Kili said as he peered around a corner. "That generally means it's a romantic adventure, or—" He wagged his eyes seductively at her, "—_slow burn_."

"Ew," she stuck her tongue out. "I told you—Thorin girl, here."

Their surroundings changed, though, and both of them huddled together while the dim light of Bilbo's study fluctuated into daylight and green forest.

"That was a little indecisive." Kili muttered. "I have no idea where we are now."

But Danika had a pretty good idea: A bowl of warm water and a rag had appeared in her hands despite one of her arms being linked through Kili's and the rag bore signs of blood. "I think this is one of those _in between_ moments where we're supposed to bond while I clean you up from a scuffle."

"Well, I think you should refuse." Kili growled, pulling his arm away from her.

The action caught Danika off-guard and she stomped her foot. "Gladly," she huffed before she tossed the contents of the bowl into Kili's face. Clenching his eyes shut at the sudden drenching and spitting out the water that made it into his mouth, he crossed his arms.

"I deserved that, didn't I?"

"Hm." Danika smiled, nodding her head. But her nodding stopped when she looked behind Kili. "Uh oh, here comes trouble."

"Orcs?" Kili turned his head, reaching for his sword.

"Worse. Fili."

Heading toward them through the trees was a worried blonde dwarf with outstretched arms toward his brother. "Kili! We sent you for firewood hours ago, what happened?" And seeing the cuts and bruises on Kili's face, Fili's eyes rounded with shock and he pulled the archer into a tight embrace.

"I'm sorry, I'm so sorry I wasn't there," Fili practically sobbed into Kili's neck. Danika had to bite back a laugh as Kili glared through the hug and the whimpering from his older brother. "I'll never leave your side again."

"Um, Fili," Danika tapped at the dwarf's shoulder. "I think it might be best for Kili and I to return to camp. Why don't you gather the firewood?"

She watched as Kili mouthed the words "thank you" and his brother released him, agreeing with Danika's suggestion and heading off into the trees to gather the wood.

"That was a lot easier than I thought it would be," Danika said with a raised brow. "I'm guessing the writer is very vague."

"And definitely follows a pattern," Kili said, glancing at the diminishing form of his brother. "Overly-concerned older brother, chapter skipping, bonding moments, and a half-breed. This is definitely Mary Sue, but I can't put my finger on the rating just yet."

"What was that about half-breed?"

Kili leaned forward to remove the hood Danika wasn't aware she had been wearing and touch her ears.

"Definitely half-breed." Kili nodded his head at her.

Danika reached up to touch the top of her ears and realized they were pointed. She also looked down at her body and realized she was bulkier than she had been in the waiting room, though she was still Kili's height. Half-breed. Elf and Dwarf. She let out an exasperated sigh.

"And a dress," she moaned. "A yellow dress? Okay, I know how to fix this. Can I have a knife, please?" She held her hand out.

"Please tell me you aren't going to cut off the points of your ears." Kili grimaced, offering her a dagger.

"I'm willing to go to extremes to defy this story, but I'm not going _that_ far." Danika said with a roll of her eyes. Grabbing her knee-length tresses, she sawed the dagger through her hair in jagged motions until it was shoulder length. "You wouldn't happen to have a chord or some leather, would you?"

Danika watched Kili sort through his pockets as he handed her a thin piece of rope, which she looped around a high ponytail.

"What a waste," Kili said as he looked painfully at the long strands of cut hair on the ground. "I know we're refusing to play along, but part of my inner dwarf is hurt that you did that."

Danika snorted. "And I'm not even done yet. Help me find some blueberries and we're golden."

They walked through the trees looking for berries and spoke as they searched.

"Why do you think Fili was playing along with the scenario?" Danika wondered aloud.

"He's _part_ of the story, but he's not the _focal point_ so he probably isn't even aware of the other stories." Kili shrugged. Danika sent him a questioning look, but then realized he probably knew more of what he was talking about than she did.

"So as long as you're going to be my accomplice in this—"

"I'm _your_ accomplice?" Kili smirked, kneeling down in front of a bush and gathering a handful of berries. "Listen, sweetheart," He said in a derogatory tone, "I think I'm more of an expert on these stories; that'd make you _my_ accomplice." He held out a hand with the berries and Danika stuck her tongue out at him while she accepted them.

"You've got a point." She said with a roll of her eyes as she mashed the berries in her hand and patted the juice on her head and ponytail.

"What are you doing?" Kili said with a raised brow.

"I came into this plot-line with a yellow dress, knee-length hair, and most likely a sad backstory about how I was orphaned." Running the blue juice through the ends of her ponytail, she winked at Kili. "I'm assuming I'm meant to be sweet, someone dainty and friendly, and someone you're supposed to protect." Danika wiped her hands on the yellow dress, staining the fabric. "I admit I can't escape the need for you to protect me because I don't have a clue how to use a sword, but the rest is a stereotype I can fight."

After getting almost hopelessly lost in trying to find the camp, Kili and Danika emerged from the trees as darkness began to set in. The company was arranged around a fire, sharing bowls of stew and making conversation.

Danika nudged a sitting Fili with her boot. "I, uh, don't know where my pack is..." She said, but mostly because she honestly didn't know _which one_ of the packs was hers. He pointed to a leather satchel and Danika almost squealed with delight.

"I've got a freaking cross-bow." She whispered excitedly to Kili as he sat beside the fire. "Oh! I almost forgot…" Danika reached toward the fire and pulled a burning stick from the edge of it, mashing it into the dirt to stifle the fire at the tip.

"I'm scared to ask what that's for." Kili murmured to her as they sat together.

"Patience," she said as she wagged a finger at him. "And I have a question for you—am I supposed to have powers?"

"Powers?"

"Yeah," She grinned. "I'm a half-breed OC and Fili called me 'the wizard's friend', so I'm guessing that meant Gandalf. Does that mean I've got magic?"

"Oh, spare me." Kili groaned as he rested his head against his bent knees. "I'm sure it does, but you might have a choice."

Danika's eyes brightened and her knee bounced. She closed her eyes as though concentrating and then opened them again. "Done."

"Done what?" Kili asked in an irked tone.

"I just picked my magic. You said I had a choice, so I picked one."

"Listen, I'm glad you're having fun with this," Kili scowled. "But I'm exhausted. I've been showing up in fan fiction after fan fiction and I'd like to catch some sleep while I can." Laying back with his arms behind his head, he sighed. "I'm sorry I'm being so rude. Tell me what 'magic you picked'."

"It's fine, you're tired. Go to sleep." Danika said dejectedly, resting her chin on her arms as they wound around her knees.

"No, really. Please, tell me." He insisted.

She couldn't fight her giddiness and her knee started bouncing again as she turned her head to Kili. "I can summon any song of my choosing at any time and place, and everyone surrounding us will hear it."

Kili sneered at first, but then burst into laughter. "Of all the things to choose—"

"I know, it's completely useless," Danika beamed. "Which is exactly why I love it. That and I don't have an ipod here."

"Sure, sure," Kili grinned, laying his head down again. "But it might have helped things if you chose something like the ability to heal others. What if we run into more whump?"

Danika's smile died and her mouth rounded in an "o". "I hadn't really thought about that. Do you think I can have a do-over?"

"We're not even sure if the first choice works, yet." Kili snickered.

"Oh, you," Danika stuck her tongue out. She cocked her head to the side. "You're really tired, aren't you?" After she saw his short nod, she had an idea. "I'll tell you what. You sleep and I'll engage in one of those really long conversations with one of the side characters to give you as much time as I can. Sound good?"

"Sounds heavenly," Kili yawned.

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><p><strong>I admit it: I'm having way too much fun with this. And I want you to have fun with it, too, so send me your suggestions in the reviews!<strong>


	3. Cannons, Corrections, and Grammar OH MY!

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**I**

**HOW TO WRECK A MARY SUE**

_**Chapter 3 - Cannons, Corrections, and Grammer, oh my!**_

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><p><em>Another day is put to the test<br>Lord knows I'm doin' my best  
>Never a brother, always a guest<em>

_It's a cryin' shame_  
><em>It's a royal pain in the neck<em>  
><em>I'm just tryin' to get by<em>  
><em>With my pride a little bit intact<em>

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><p><em>"Royal Pain" Eels<em>

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><p>When Kili woke, the light of early morning illuminated their setting. Danika must have had a long conversation with someone and bought him hours of undisturbed sleep because for the first time in a long time, Kili felt well-rested. He glanced to his left and realized Danika was huddled under a blanket, fast asleep. A look to his right told Kili that his older brother was adhering to his role of "hovering protector"-according to the proximity of Fili's bedroll to Kili's.<p>

After a long and delicious stretch, Kili nudged Danika's ribs. "Wake up."

The half-breed OC startled awake and immediately stood, as if confused. This was the first moment Kili was able to see the full effect of Danika's modifications to herself—an effort to resist the stereotype of "damsel in distress".

Gone was the yellow dress, replaced with a pair of rough trousers and thick boots. A slightly low-cut linen tunic and leather strappings as a bodice adorned her upper body, while her shoulder-length hair was pulled back into a tight pony-tail at the high point of her crown. Her hair, after the application of the berries, was dark blue, a color Kili had never seen on an OC before. But what really enchanted the dwarf was the cat-eye black lining around her eyes—ah, so that's what the coal-tipped stick had been for!

All in all, she looked like a person who shouldn't be provoked to anger, a perfect contrast to the writer's purpose.

"Hello, lovely," Kili waggled his eyebrows at her. It had been a standing joke from the beginning that they flirt with each other—mocking the "love interest" roles they'd been set in—but secretly Kili felt the comment to be genuine. It was a relief to see a physical embodiment of how hardcore he felt after being tossed around in everyone's fantasies.

"Good morning," Danika yawned, seemingly realizing where she was.

"Who did you end up talking to last night?" Kili asked as he rose with a grunt.

"Fili," Danika answered with a roll of her eyes. "I didn't even have to approach him, he just sat down right next to me and gave me _the talk_," she emphasized the last two words with finger quotation marks.

"Which one?" Kili laughed as he worked the buckles to his jacket. "There's the one where I'm obligated to carry on the line of Durin because he isn't interested in marriage—or the one where he wants to make sure that you're really interested in me emotionally—ooh! Or the one where he finally approves of you because he's learned about your sad past."

"Those would have been better," She said with a disgusted look. "No, he gave me the 'Kili needs to stay a virgin until marriage' talk."

"Wait, really?" His head shot up. "Well, that's certainly different from the other things I've done." He tilted his head back to look at the blue sky, brightening at the rising of the sun. "It's kind of nice."

"Kili, he offered to marry us here." She said with her arms crossed.

The peaceful expression on Kili's face melted into a frown. "That's fast."

"A little too fast, if you ask me." Danika said as she rolled up her blanket. "Assuming this is a long story, it means I might be killed off pretty soon and a rebound OC will pop up."

"That's not going to happen," Kili said, bending to pick up his own things. "I won't let it."

"Aw, Kili, that's sweet." Danika blushed.

Kili fixed her with a blank stare. "No, no. If the writer wants you to die, there's nothing I can do about it. But if they try to set me up with another OC, I'll just keep doing what we're doing here."

Danika shook her head, as though frustrated with his reply. "And how are you supposed to do that if she has no idea what's going on?"

"Well, if she's as clueless as this lot," Kili waved a hand at the still-sleeping company, "there's only one thing to be done. I'll just kill her."

As terrible as he knew it sounded, he was surprised when Danika didn't stifle her laugh. "That's _one_ solution. You're pretty dark and devious, you know that?"

"Do you think they're ever going to wake up?" He groaned as he tapped his boot against Fili's leg. The blonde dwarf made no movement.

"Probably not, this is another one of those moments when you and I are supposed to bond." Danika said with a roll of her eyes. He sent her a look that said "do something" and so she squeezed her eyes shut and concentrated.

Kili almost jumped when the music started. It was "Good Golly Miss Molly" by Little Richard—and he only remembered that because he'd been in a Modern Alternate Universe where the song had played. He sent her an impressed expression when he realized she'd gotten her wish to choose a magical ability.

Several of the company jerked awake and clamored to their feet, looking around as though they anticipated an attack. The music ended as abruptly as it began and Danika looked incredibly pleased with herself.

Taking in the faces of their startled company, Kili joined Danika in her uproarious laughter, clapping her on the back while she held her sides and doubled over.

The scene faded into a different type of forest, surrounded by the dark of night.

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><p><em>"Electric Bird" Sia<em>

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><p>"This writer certainly likes to move fast." Danika sighed with her hands on her hips, but she realized she was talking to no one. Kili had disappeared. "Ugh, really, now?" she moaned as she stepped forward, tripping on an outstretched tree root. "Great, and I'm clumsy, too?"<p>

"Are you alright there, lass?" She heard and looked up to see the smiling face of Bofur.

"I'm fine," She answered automatically, but then grumbled when she realized she had just followed a typical writer's prompt. "Help me up?"

She accepted his reaching arm and jumped to her feet, sliding her arm through Bofur's while she spoke. "If I told you I had a friend who'd be interested in a date with you, what would you say?"

Bofur's eyebrows scrunched together. "What's a date?"

Danika grimaced when she realized she'd just followed another prompt and used modern jargon in a period setting. "Sorry, what I meant was that I might have a friend who's romantically interested in you."

"Then I'd say that's a bunch of nonsense," Bofur laughed, "because you already belong to Kili."

"Hold on there!" Danika shouted with her hands up. With one fist on her hip and her other hand pointing in a sassy manner at Bofur, she shook her head. "Just because I said 'a friend', it doesn't mean I was referring to myself. Secondly, I do not BELONG to anyone."

"That's not what your courting braid says," Bofur teased as he reached out to pull the braid into full view.

This was when Danika realized that the long hair had returned, and with it—a new braid just behind her ear. "Well, that's enough of that!" She said with determination as she began to unbraid it. "Where's Kili?"

"He's watching the ponies with his brother." Bofur said, walking away. "Are you coming back to camp?"

"No, I need a word with my 'betrothed'." Danika sneered at the last word and contorted it into a whine. She nodded when Bofur pointed in the direction she should go, winking at her before he disappeared.

Finding the brothers easily, Danika felt a pang of sympathy for Kili. Fili looked as though he'd been talking for a while and she could hear some of what he said as she approached, but realized it was nothing but sentimental reassurance of his love for his brother.

"I'm just glad your okay." Fili ended as Danika came to stand beside Kili.

Kili and Danika's eyes widened in unison, waiting for Fili to understand what he'd done wrong.

"Did you mean 'you're'?" Danika leered.

"That's what I said." Fili said in confusion.

"No, you said 'your'." Kili smirked as he crossed his arms. "As in possessive, instead of 'you are'."

"I don't know what your talking about." Fili said with a shake of his head. He turned his attention to Danika. "What are you doing away from camp? Their going to wonder where you are."

"They're." Danika supplied, correcting him again.

"Excuse me?"

"Their is possessive, you meant 'they are'." Kili grinned, smacking Danika's hand as she raised it for a high-five.

"How can you know I'm using the wrong word if I'm TALKING to you?" Fili demanded.

Kili looked over at Danika, who shrugged. "We just do."

Fili shook his head and sat down on a boulder, fingering his pipe and looking out at the ponies. Kili leaned against a broken fence-post with his hands behind his head, wearing a happy expression and sighing pleasantly.

"What's with you?" Danika grinned, nudging him in the ribs with her elbow.

"This is where most writers put their smutty moments." He said as he close his eyes and smiled. "And I get to watch it pass by without a hitch."

Danika couldn't help but squeeze her eyes shut and cause a song to play overhead, an easy-going Kenny-G: "Every Time I Close My Eyes". Kili smiled and gave a short laugh of appreciation.

Watching Bilbo approach with their stew, Danika patted Kili's ribs to let him know he needed to be alert. She knew both of them were familiar with the adventure that was going to happen next with the trolls, but they couldn't be sure of what changes the writer had made.

"I'm sorry I didn't bring enough bowls, but I've only got two hands." Bilbo apologized, nodding his head at Danika.

"That's okay," Danika said, reaching for one of the bowls. "Kili can go without." She joked as she slurped a huge mouthful.

"Like hell I will." He growled, snatching the bowl from her and taking a bite. The bowl didn't stay in his hands for long though, because Danika grabbed it back, though Kili still held the spoon captive. While she drank from the tip of the bowl, he reached around her and scooped another bite of meat.

"You two are so adorable together," Bilbo sighed dreamily.

That stopped the both of them in their tracks, sending each other questioning looks.

"Oh, I forgot to tell you," Danika said, wiping stew from her chin with her hand and rubbing the stew-covered digits on Kili's tunic. "Apparently, we're courting."

"Is that what this is?" Kili groaned, feeling for the braid behind his ear and nodding when his fingers found it. "I thought so."

"Where are the other two ponies?" Fili said with a gasp, standing suddenly.

Danika sighed, looking around and said in a mocking-voice, "I guess we were too distracted to notice the trolls scooping up animals the size of small elephants."

"Which doesn't make much sense, if you think about it." Kili said as he stole another bite of the stew.

"Exactly!" Danika said, waving a hand in the air. "I mean, how could you miss two trolls? They're huge! Which begs the question…" She sidled up to Kili and lowered her tone. "What WERE you doing when the ponies were stolen?"

"If you're asking what the canon says we did, I really don't have a clue." Kili shook his head, dropping the spoon into the bowl of stew and rubbing his hands together. "And I've been in too many slash stories concerning that question to really care anymore."

Danika felt another pang of sympathy for her friend. "I'm sorry about that."

"At least I'm having some fun right now." He smiled at her.

* * *

><p><strong>Yay for best friends of the opposite gender! I take a lot of my prompts from my relationship with mine - I only wish I could insert a Modern AU moment where the two of them are sitting up against a log and sharing headphones while listening to an ipod together and munching slices of pizza. *sigh* If you've got an idea, leave it for me in the reviews or a PM- let's write this together!<strong>

**By the way, to all the writers out there- I AM NOT MAKING FUN OF YOUR FICS. I love you all to death and I enjoy the fictions you write- angst, whump, and all! Please, don't stop writing them just because of this story- I am guilty of all the same things! I mean, I purposefully wrote a love-interest OC for Thorin just so I could have her raped and killed to give him motivation to hate the elves and go crazy. Please, please, please, let's just all laugh at the things we all know we're thinking while we read these fics :)**


	4. This Is Not What I Had Planned

.

**I**

**HOW TO WRECK A MARY SUE**

_**Chapter 4 – This Is Not What I Had Planned**_

* * *

><p><em>I know what it takes to move on<em>

_I know how it feels to lie_

_All I wanna do is trade this life for something new_

_Holding on to what I haven't got_

_-"Waiting for the End" Linkin Park_

* * *

><p><em>"Friends, Lovers, or Nothing" John Mayer<em>

* * *

><p>Kili and Danika were sitting atop one of the stone trolls laughing at each other when the company began to move again. Grumbling against Gandalf—and pretty much everything else—Thorin was in heated discussions with Dwalin at the front of the traveling line while Danika and Kili took up the rear.<p>

"Why does everyone write Thorin as this angry guy all the time?" Danika chirped from her saddle. "It doesn't make any sense. I mean, if he was that much of a jerk, you and Fili wouldn't respect him—let alone follow him to Erebor on a suicide mission."

"People like to make their opinions based on what they see on the surface, they don't realize that people's actions are motivated by something deeper." Kili answered, tossing her a water skin when he saw her lips smack together. Nodding her thanks to him, she caught it without any trouble. "A girl that can catch, that's a relief."

Nearly choking on her gulp of water, Danika sputtered, "Was that a compliment?"

"Yes." Kili answered warily.

"Don't flirt with me." She grumbled, tossing the water-skin back to him. "That defeats what we're trying to do here."

"I wasn't flirting with you, I was being friendly." Kili objected, smiling wryly at her. "We _can_ still be friends." He frowned a little and ducked his head. "I consider you a friend. You're the only one yet that hasn't pressured me into doing something I didn't want." Cocking his head and daring to smile, he added, "That doesn't bother you, does it?"

"It's fine, Kili—I definitely consider you a friend." Danika said. "I mean, my life is pretty much in your hands no matter how much I try to act like it isn't. I can't really defend myself and OC deaths are pretty common, so I have to trust you—but that's not so hard to do."

"That's so romantic." They heard Bilbo say from the pony ahead of them.

"Bilbo," Danika sneered. "Did you understand any of what we just said?"

"I think it's perfectly normal for best friends to marry—and there's nothing wrong with telling him you trust him with your life."

Kili grimaced and shared an embarrassed look with Danika. "Bilbo, what do you think 'OC' means?"

"I'm assuming it's a pet name you've come up with." Bilbo smiled dreamily.

With a heavy frown, Kili watched Danika scowl at the hobbit. "I think you were right, Kili, they have no idea what's going on—we could probably say something completely unrealistic, but they'd have to reply according to the writer's head-cannon."

* * *

><p><em>"Intro" The XX<em>

* * *

><p>The scene shifted again and they were no longer riding ponies—they were walking along the narrow ledge of a mountain at night, rain pelting their faces and causing the rocky ground to become slick.<p>

"Oh, no," Danika moaned as she walked tentatively behind Kili. "No, no, no, no, no…"

"It's fine, we'll be fine," Kili encouraged her, taking a glance back at Danika and realizing she was terrified. "Stay close to me, it'll be over soon."

"I don't know if I can do this," Danika whimpered, freezing in place and stopping the line of dwarves behind her. "Kili…"

"Danika, you can't stop, you have to keep moving." Kili said, pulling at her arm.

"I'm afraid of heights!" She shouted, peeking over the edge and squealing. "I'm sorry, I know it's a writer's prompt, but it's freaking believable right now!"

Kili frowned. He understood that they could only fight against the fiction to a point, but there were certain points they couldn't resist—including a genuine fear of heights. He knew Danika was going to have trouble with their new scenario, but there was only one thing to be done. Grabbing her arm and heaving with dwarven strength, he swung her around him, causing her to scream in panic as her body was flung over the edge. Her boots found footing again as Kili brought her to stand in front of him and he kept an arm around her shoulder, steadying her and pushing her forward with his chest while his other hand gripped the rock wall beside them.

"Keep walking," He said loudly, not meaning to shout, but the rock giants had begun their battle and were tossing boulders overhead. A torrent of rock chunks came down with the rain and pelted several of the dwarves, causing some to slip, but none to fall over the ledge.

"Kili!" He heard Fili shout his name, reaching out as the blonde dwarf was being separated from him. It wasn't until the rocks beneath his feet began to part that Kili started to lose his calm. According to the story, Kili's toes were supposed to be touching the moving ledge, but he'd previously moved Danika to stand in front of him and he realized her body had slipped with the parting of the rocks.

Dropping to his stomach, Kili reached out both hands to the dangling OC. "Take my hand!"

Danika managed to grab one of his hands, but the other was having trouble finding purchase. Finally she was able to grip his forearm and he began to haul her up, watching the other set of dwarves pass by on the knee of a rock giant.

The rocks with the other set of dwarves collided with a part of the mountain just as Danika's feet reached solid ground again and Thorin ushered them forward, obviously anxious to see if the dwarves had survived. Danika and Kili rushed into the alcove of rocks to find their companions groaning in a pile on top of each other.

"You're alive." Thorin sighed, brushing past Danika and Kili.

"Are you all right?" Kili asked Danika, looking her up and down and scanning for injuries.

"I'm a little shaken up, but I'm glad that's over." She replied, rolling her head around and rubbing her neck. "How do you go through that over and over again? It's absolutely terrifying even if you know you're going to make it through."

Kili shrugged. "I keep telling you, it's not like I have a choice." He reached down to help up Bofur. "You just have to keep moving forward and not let the fear cripple you."

"That's easy enough to say," Danika murmured, biting her lip and helping another dwarf up.

Both Kili and Danika knew what to anticipate from the caves they found, so when the other dwarves laid out blankets for sleep, they sat up against a wall and waited, speaking in hushed tones. They weren't surprised when they saw Bilbo trying to sneak off and Bofur intercepted the hobbit quickly.

"I thought you were asleep," Bilbo whispered after the dwarf had startled him.

"Nope, me and the lovebirds over there are keeping watch."

"Lovebirds?" Kili sneered.

"You two are chattering away like the teenage crushes you are." Bofur winked.

Turning his head to Danika, Kili paused and whispered, "Something's wrong—was Bofur just being OOC?"

"OOC, what do you—oh! Out Of Character," Danika rolled her eyes. "Why do you say that?"

"Dwarves don't use terminology like 'teenage' or 'crush'… so unless this writer is mixing in modern speech—"

"Which is entirely possible," Danika cut him off. "If you're implying that Bofur is in-the-know with us, I highly doubt it. Look at the way Fili hovers over you, the way Thorin grumbles, and the way Bilbo fawns all over us? Naw, you're just—"

But Danika never finished because the floor beneath them opened up and the bodies of dwarves, hobbit, and half-breed bounced against each other as they fell down the tunnel and into the trap below.

Skittering, crawling, and yelping, the goblins surrounded the heap of dwarves and shoved them to their feet, walking them in a line across bridges and platforms until they reached the throne of the Goblin King.

Kili didn't need to look back to see that Bilbo was not among their number anymore—he'd been through these stories enough times to understand where the hobbit was. The Goblin King's weight made the wooden planks creak and his chin wobbled forward a little too close for Kili's comfort. As the goblin made his speech and demanded to know where the dwarves had come from and where they were going, Kili resisted the urge to reach out toward Danika with a comforting hand. Despite their preference to stay on friendly terms instead of romantic, he knew she was afraid and he couldn't blame her. While _his_ survival was pretty much a given—with only the Battle of Five Armies as a fork in the road—_hers_ was always in question…

Finally, the Goblin King came to the point of things and threatened to torture the information out of them, but instead of offering to take the youngest one first, he pointed decidedly at Danika.

"We have methods of persuading females to speak," The goblin said with a lick of his lips.

"In your dreams, scrotum beard." She spat back at him, but Kili sent her a scolding look and she shut her mouth.

Thankfully, the tense moment did not last long and the bright light from Gandalf's staff swept back all who were standing on the platform—even throwing aside a few of the goblins standing at the edges.

"Fight!" The wizard called out and the company was a blur of movement.

Kili was not much worried about Danika at this point because he knew that the chances of an accidental blow in her direction were slim—the head canon of the writer would never allow for a true mishap, and the blades would go where they were intended to go.

* * *

><p><em>"Waiting for the End" Linkin Park<em>

* * *

><p>Thorin led the dwarves on a chase over boards and through tunnels until the Goblin King sprang seemingly from nowhere and stood in front of them, but a witty exchange and a sword lunge later, the goblin was finished.<p>

Danika was glued to a post as their platform fell into the deep of the giant cavern and eventually came to a stop. She was winded from the sudden halt of the wood and chanced a peek upward, regretting the look because it only served to scare her more.

"Thorin!" She cried out, pointing to the skittering goblins as they climbed down the cavern wall like spiders.

The company made their way through another tunnel, breaching the dark and breaking into open air and dimming sunlight—air! Danika felt as though she may never have felt the wind on her face again.

"Those goblins reeked," She complained, bending over and catching her breath as the other dwarves surrounded her and looked about them.

"Where's Kili?" Danika heard Fili say. Looking around, she realized Kili hadn't been running behind her like she'd originally thought. She was incredibly irked when Thorin began to bemoan the absence of the hobbit as well, cursing inwardly when she realized that according to most fan fictions, this was the part where Thorin would find some way to leave Kili behind and inadvertently force her to go after Kili herself. When Bilbo made his appearance and Thorin led the company forward, Danika knew her suspicions were correct and heaved a sigh of reluctance.

She jumped when she felt a hand on her shoulder, turning around to face Kili's brother.

"I'll go with you," The blonde dwarf said with a wink.

"How did you know what I was going to do?"

"You're not that hard to read, lass." Bofur said, stepping up behind him.

"Probably not." Danika said with a grimace. "Shall we go save Kili?"


	5. Dwarf in Distress

.

**I**

**HOW TO WRECK A MARY SUE**

_**Chapter 5 – Dwarf In Distress**_

* * *

><p><em>A sinister kid is a kid who<em>_  
><em>_Runs to meet his Maker__  
><em>_A drop dead sprint from the day he's born__  
><em>_Straight into his Maker's arms__  
><em>_And that's me, that's me__  
><em>_The boy with the broken halo__  
><em>_That's me, that's me__  
><em>_The devil won't let me be_

* * *

><p><em>"Sound of Silence" Jenny &amp; Taylor<em>

* * *

><p>Kili wasn't surprised when he'd been overwhelmed by the numbers of goblins. He wasn't even surprised when they'd captured him and thrown him into a cage. And it didn't faze him when he realized the company had gone on without him. The only thing he was concerned with was the obvious whump he was going to have to endure until someone came to rescue him. Someone always came to his rescue, he didn't doubt this would be any different, but what would he have to endure until then?<p>

The smell of rotting flesh reached Kili's nose and he knew the goblins were coming back. "Keep it together," he whispered aloud, trying to steady the trembling limbs that anticipated harm…

He was hauled to his feet and shoved out of the too-small cage, brought out to the open platform where the Goblin King's throne had collapsed. Pulling at his arms until they were outstretched, he flinched as the goblins bound his wrists to the wreckage of the throne. He managed a good kick or two at his assailants, but more goblins took their place and struck at him.

Kili could see that the goblins held no weapons and realized that they intended to beat him to death, already bludgeoning him with their fists. But the strangest of sensations washed over him and the pain subsided as quickly as it began…

The goblins backed away from their captive, holding their ears as a blast of music began to play.

"Danika," He breathed with a smile, still panting from the blows of his attackers.

* * *

><p><em>"Sinister Kid" Black Keys<em>

* * *

><p>Danika was angry. She'd heard what Kili had been forced to endure in previous stories—she had even seen him cut and bruised before they'd walked through the waiting room door together—but she had taken in upon herself to make sure nothing like that happened to him in this story. And these filthy goblins were trying to make her break that silent promise. If Danika felt any fear on re-entering the caves, it was gone when she saw them tie Kili to a pile of wood and beat him.<p>

"Not on my watch," She said with a furious glint in her eye, stomping with loud steps toward the platform where Kili took hit after hit.

"We need a distraction!" Fili called after her, holding her back with a hand on her shoulder. "We have a better chance if they don't see us coming right at them."

"I've got one," Danika growled, pulling her shoulder away from Fili's grasp. She blasted the first Black Keys song she could think of—"Sinister Kid".

"You're dangerous, lass," Bofur said under his breath, but Danika could still hear it. She only just remembered that her hair was blue from the berries and that she was wearing heavy eyeliner. If she'd had wings, she might have resembled a gothic vampire, but she knew the music and her sudden appearance would be enough to get the job done.

"Let's hope they think the same thing," She whispered with an evil grin.

Stomping toward the platform, she gave a shrill, startling cry and the goblins surrounding Kili immediately shrunk back and ran away. Springing forward, Danika and Fili worked to loose Kili from his bonds while Bofur stood to the side and watched for any returning foes.

"You look like death," Kili murmured to her.

"That was the point," Danika answered with a grin. "Are you hurt badly? Can you walk?"

"Not as hurt as you would think." Kili said with confusion. "But I don't understand why."

While Fili fussed over his brother, Danika held her hand out in curiosity; touching a cut on Kili's cheekbone and watching it close up. "No freaking way!"

"Looks like you got your second wish," Kili smirked. "But you can clean me up when we're outside again; I want to get out of here."

The four of them ran down the unsteady planks of the platform, rushing through the tunnel they'd entered through and breathing a sigh of relief when they met fresh air.

"Okay," Kili heaved as he came to a stop and bent over with his hands on his knees. "You can do it now."

"Do what?" Fili raised a brow at him, but Danika was already passing her hands over Kili's various injuries, closing the cuts and washing the bruises away. "How in Mahal's name are you doing this?"

Danika shrugged. "I'm a special kind of half-breed; I don't know where it comes from."

"Well, whatever it is, do it fast—we've got to catch up with the company quickly!" Bofur said, already beginning to walk forward.

When Danika was satisfied with her work, the four of them began to run down the incline in the direction the company had travelled.

"I'm sorry, by the way," Danika said as she turned her head to Kili. "I wanted you to have a fun fan-fiction for once, but I didn't consider—"

"It's not your fault," He said, pausing when he had to jump over a rock. "And it's not your responsibility to look out for me."

"We're supposed to be looking out for each other," Danika objected, almost tripping over a tree limb.

"If Kili's capture is anyone's fault, it's mine," Fili started to say.

"Shutup, Fili!" Danika and Kili shouted at the same time, but before anyone could say anything else they realized they had almost run into a pack of wargs.

The four of them ducked behind a boulder, glancing over the top of it at the showdown between Thorin and Azog.

"Almost missed it," Danika whispered. "That was a little too close."

"Missed what?" Fili murmured, swatting at something next to his head.

"Dude, what is your problem?" Danika smirked at him.

"A moth is trying to fly into my hair," Fili grumbled, waving at it again.

Danika gasped. "Stop! Don't hurt it!" She lunged toward Fili, hands outstretched toward the moth and cupping it in her hands. "The eagles. Go get the eagles." She whispered loudly to it.

"Which ones?" The moth whispered back in irritation, as though mocking her for whispering.

"All of them!" Danika said, holding her hands up in the air as if to launch the insect.

"Hold up, there, lady," The moth objected, clinging to her fingers. "I'm not a supersonic jet, I can't just whoosh off and grab them all at the same time—"

"What the what?" She sneered at it. "Don't get sassy with me, just go get them!" And this time she threw the moth toward the sky. Danika couldn't be certain, but she thought she heard the moth fly away with some choice curse words.

"What did he say? I don't speak moth like some magical beings here," Kili said with a jeer.

Danika gave a mocking smile and held both of her thumbs up at him, but secretly hoped she hadn't completely messed the story up.

They watched as the trees surrounding Azog caught on fire from the pine-cones Gandalf had set aflame. Both Kili and Danika knew what to expect from the scenario and Danika mused that the only thing they were missing, as they watched from behind the rock, was popcorn. Once things began to get especially heated and a few of the wargs ran past them, they ducked and were thankful that they had gone unnoticed.

It wasn't until Thorin rushed at Azog that the four of them had trouble staying where they were. Fili was chomping at the bit to come to his uncle's aid, but Danika knew Kili was aware of how right the timing had to be—Bilbo had to have his opportunity to be a hero and come to Thorin's aid, and if his nephews rushed to him immediately, Bilbo wouldn't get that chance.

Danika began to grow nervous, though, as the hobbit stayed where he was, making Danika wonder if the writer hadn't decided to write the scene differently.

"Kili," She whispered at her friend. "Dumb question: am _I_ supposed to be the one saving Thorin?"

"Ummm…" The dwarf shook his head and shrugged his shoulders. "Bilbo hasn't moved from his spot on the tree… he actually looks like he's slipping from his branch."

"Wait, why does _she_ get to come to our uncle's aid and I can't?" Fili groused.

Danika's eyebrows rose. "You know, you're right, Fili." Catching Kili's surprised expression, she shook her head at him. "Remember? We're not following writer's prompts, we can screw with this story as much as we want."

Kili snorted. "I can't believe I forgot. Old habit." He patted his brother's arm. "Have at it."

They watched with interest as Fili stopped the downward strike of a blade from hitting an unconscious Thorin, pressing back against the orc and swiping its head from its shoulders. Just as soon as the orc's head rolled to the floor, the eagles appeared overhead and were beginning to catch the dwarves that fell from the dangling tree.

Danika was getting ready to leap from their hiding place and make herself visible, but Kili's hand was on her arm, holding her back and obviously judging the timing of everything. Danika knew she could trust Kili's ability to know exactly when things needed to happen, having frequented so many stories, and just for a moment she allowed herself to admire the dwarf who seemed to have a spark of life returning to him. This was not the same Kili she had met in the waiting room.

"Now!" He shouted, and the three of them charged from behind the rock, coming into view of the descending birds as their talons scooped up various dwarves.

"Wait," Danika breathed as it dawned on her that she was about to take flight. "I'm about to ride on the back of a plane without a seatbelt! Kili, where did—AGGGHHH!"


	6. Flying is Not My Forte

.

**I**

**HOW TO WRECK A MARY SUE**

_**Chapter 6 – Flying is Not My Forte**_

* * *

><p><em>Somewhere along the way our paths had gone astray<em>

_And nothing else remained, everything has changed_

_Nothing is the same_

_Just be easy_

_We don't have to speak, we don't have to try, _

_We don't have to show, we don't have to hide_

_Just be easy_

_-"Be Easy" Ghost Loft_

* * *

><p><em>"Be Easy" Ghost Loft<em>

* * *

><p>At first, Kili thought he was falling, but then he realized he was travelling the wrong direction—he was moving up toward the peach-colored sky with great speed, arms reaching out to grasp the bird talons that held his waist in their massive clutch. They released him and he moved through the air, landing on the back of another eagle—right behind Danika, who was clawing at Fili's shoulders just in front of her.<p>

"Lass, let go of me!" Fili hissed, pushing her hands away.

"There's nothing to hold onto," She moaned, taking in breaths as though she might hyperventilate.

Kili scooted himself closer to them, pausing when Danika flinched at his touch. "Kili! You scared me!"

"Calm down," Kili commanded, reaching around her shoulders and locking his hands together at her waist. "Just breathe—you're going to knock us _all_ off if you keep panicking."

"I don't like flying," Danika whimpered pathetically. He saw her cram her eyes shut as she leaned back into him. It was almost laughable to him that the same woman who had fought angrily through goblins to rescue him could be so petrified with fear when it came to something like heights.

"Don't worry," Kili said as he felt her relax. "All we have to do after this is climb down a short mountain—then we're off for adventures that don't include anything tall."

"Promise?" She asked through gritted teeth, eyes still closed.

"I promise." He said with a short laugh and then tapped her shoulder. "It looks like we're landing soon."

"Landing!" Danika hissed, nodding and almost hitting Kili's chin. "Okay, I can do that..." Suddenly her eyes opened wide and she turned to face Kili. "How do they expect us to get down?"

"It's easy," Kili waved a hand in the air. "You just slide down. I'll even stand at the bottom and catch you, if you want."

"Would you, please?" Danika whispered and he almost didn't hear it. The three of them bobbed as the bird hovered over a mountainous surface and gripped the rocks a short distance from where the injured Thorin lay, already dropped by the eagle that had been carrying him.

"Thorin!" Fili called, sliding off of the bird's feathers and landing loudly on his feet before running to his uncle's side.

Kili allowed himself to slip down and grunted when his boots struck rock. He turned with outstretched arms, holding up encouraging hands to the trembling half-breed who looked down at him from her perch.

"I won't drop you, I promise." He said, twitching his fingers insistently. Kili could see the conflict in Danika's face, but he grounded his feet firmly as she began to slide, letting out a huff of air as he reached for her ribs and squeezed her to him. "See? Not that hard." He smiled.

"It's so sweet," they heard to the side, and both of them turned their heads to see Bilbo gazing at them with his hands held together against his cheek.

Kili realized how close their faces were and promptly dropped Danika to step back, making sure to give her shoulder a shove to put some distance between them as he sneered at the hobbit. "Mind your own effing business."

"Kili!" Danika scolded, smacking his shoulder.

"What?" Kili shrugged. "It's not like the fiction will let me use a proper curse word."

Danika's hands were on her hips. "That's no way to talk to Bilbo, though."

Kili snorted and shook his head, brushing past the both of them and looking down at Thorin, who lay still lay on the ground despite Gandalf's whisperings. The wizard waved his hand numerous times over Thorin's face, but the dwarf did not wake.

"Danika," Kili muttered under his breath. "A little help?"

"Not until you apologize to Bilbo," She muttered back, crossing her arms and tapping her toe while she stood with the other dwarves around their fallen leader.

With a roll of his eyes, Kili nudged Bilbo with his elbow. "I'm sorry, Bilbo."

"Quite alright, quite alright," The hobbit chirped with a smile, eyeing the two of them again.

Danika coughed into her hand and immediately Thorin was awake, looking up into the eyes of the wizard and demanding to know where Bilbo was. The hobbit's face fell, but the dwarf king stood and had little bad to say about him, throwing his arms around Bilbo's smaller frame.

"Awww!" Kili and Danika crooned at them, giving Bilbo a taste of his own medicine.


	7. Limbo

.

**I**

**HOW TO WRECK A MARY SUE**

_**Chapter 7 – Limbo**_

* * *

><p><em>Days come and go and months pass me by, <em>  
><em>And seasons they leave me behind. <em>  
><em>Don't have a thought about where I'll be, <em>  
><em>I'll be here till the end of all time<em>

_-"Waiting For You" Isobel Anderson_

* * *

><p><em>"Waiting For You" Isobel Anderson<em>

* * *

><p>Kili and Danika noted that the majority of their companions were in a mood, and Kili could understand why. Thorin and Gandalf had already spoken to Beorn extensively about their stay in his house, but the days were wearing on. At least… it seemed like it.<p>

"Just be patient with me," Danika took in a steady breath as she sat on the grass beside Kili. With their backs against a log, the two had been listening to music from Danika's magic while slowly snacking on Beorn's honey-bread. But the bread had long run out and Danika's confusion pressed her questions into their conversation. "I'm sorry, I just don't understand…"

Kili sighed and put his hands behind his head, leaning into the log and scooting his legs out more. "It's just the prompts." He said tiredly. "You've heard them in your head before—the writer plants the idea and you follow it; or resist it, like we're doing."

"No, I understand that, but what I meant was: why is time dragging on? It feels like we've been here for weeks, even though every indication says it's been a few days."

"Because it's probably been weeks," Kili murmured, "since the writer uploaded. They might have forgotten or are having trouble with the next chapter."

"How long do you think it will be?" Danika moaned.

"There's no way to tell," He snorted. "You know that."

"I just thought that maybe there was an average… you'd know it better than I would. Besides," Danika bit her lip, "what do we do while we wait?"

"Until Thorin gets a prompt to leave, we just stay where we are. Normally, we'd be running through a loop, but you and I are _aware_ of the story—"

"—which is why _everyone else_ seems to be doing the same things over and over again." Danika finished for him, nodding her head in comprehension. "Like re-reading an old chapter…"

"Just be glad it didn't happen while we were in the goblin caves." Kili said with a shudder.

"That's for sure," she said, patting his shoulder. "So… what happens if the story becomes unfinished? Like, what happens if the writer stops it right here and never picks it up again?"

"That wouldn't be so bad," Kili said with a smile. "There's really only three things that could happen. Either the readers nag the writer enough for another chapter and they give in, or someone else takes over the writing, or… well, we just continue through the loop like this."

Danika nodded grimly. "If the readers nag enough, do you think the writer would get frustrated and mash everything together in a sudden and uneven final chapter?"

"Eh, sometimes they do," Kili nodded.

"Then I hope someone else takes it up."

"There's a risk in that, too, though. The new writer might have a different writing style and we could be speaking Shakespearean to each other—or they could have a completely different direction for the story…"

"But staying in this loop, indefinitely…?" Danika eyed him nervously.

Kili turned his head to look at her. "Would that really be so bad, though? The safety of Beorn's green, protected lands with no pressing objectives? Honey-bread and milk in great supply? Thorin and the others as company?" He lowered his eyes. "…and me?"

Turning her head away, Danika looked pensive, but then she met Kili's eyes. "No, none of that would be terrible. It would be nice if we could depend on that happening, but we don't know for certain… I had hoped we could reach the end of the story so I could…"

"What?" Kili's eyes twinkled. "So you could what?"

She shook her head, trying to fight a smile and failing. "Things. There were things I wanted to do."

"Like…?" Kili pressed, scooting closer to her and smiling mischievously. "I want to hear about these things. Things you can't do now?"

Danika's face fell. "Yes. As much as I wish it weren't so."

Kili's smile died down and he scanned her face, realizing just how close he was to her. "Why not?"

"Ugh," She moaned, looking away from him. "Because I can't—leave it alone."

Kili was leaning close enough that when she turned her head to look at him again, their noses brushed together. There was a heat in Kili's face that was drawn to the warmth emanating from hers, and he was about to drink from that pool of warmth when Bifur suddenly appeared in front of them, speaking to Kili in Khuzdul.

Pulling quickly away from him, Danika whispered, "What's he saying?"

Kili frowned and wore a disgusted look. "I'm not sure, he's not speaking proper Khuzdul—the writer must have found a mistaken source for dwarf language."

"That's the internet for you," Danika sighed, seemingly in relief, as she rose and brushed dirt from her knees. "Lots of rabbit holes." She looked to be turning her attention to Bifur. "Is Thorin calling for us?"

Bifur nodded in reply and Kili shuffled his boots against the grass to stand, following the two of them back to Beorn's house and finding the rest of their companions preparing ponies. It was time to leave.

"I guess we're off, then," Kili muttered in disappointment.


	8. Psychedelic, Man!

.

**I**

**HOW TO WRECK A MARY SUE**

_**Chapter 8 – Psychedelic, Man!**_

* * *

><p><em>"Some Fisherman" Peter Broderick<em>

* * *

><p>Danika walked behind Bofur and in front of Fili as the dwarves made a line along the path inside the enchanted forest. She could remember that the elves had once called it the Greenwood, but there was no way of telling how long it had been since the place earned the new name of Mirkwood.<p>

The trees were twisted messes and dust seemed to hover in the air as though it never had any intention of landing. Danika had trouble imagining that this forest had once been beautiful.

"Someone needs to drench this place with anti-grease dish soap," She murmured awkwardly, somewhat aware of the loopy sensation in her brain, causing her mutterings to pass her lips without consent.

"Just keep quiet and follow Bofur." Fili grumbled from behind her.

"No need to be rude," she snapped back, beginning to regret the space she'd put between her and Kili. The dwarf was only a few bodies behind her, but it was enough distance that the two of them couldn't fall into conversation easily.

"Watch your step!" Bofur called to her, reaching a hand out to her shoulder.

She'd been distracted enough that she overshot Bofur and almost walked into the river just before them. After a long debate on how to cross—and a few unsuccessful attempts—Bombur inevitably fell in, pulling Danika in after him.

Her ears were numb to any sound but her heartbeat while her head became submerged and she could feel the brush of multiple hands against her arms. It never fazed her that she couldn't breathe, what was more terrifying was the absolute black of the water and her inability to see. Thankfully, that fear didn't have long to take root before she was hoisted out of the water and laid on her back against a dirt surface.

Danika was grateful to be surrounded by concerned faces and not the thick darkness of the water, but her ears were somehow still numb and she couldn't hear the sounds coming from their frantically moving lips.

Kili in particular looked frazzled, as though he expected her to shout blame toward him at any moment.

"Not your fault," Danika whispered, despite not being able to hear her own voice—at least, she thought she'd whispered, but now she questioned the volume of her voice as several of them took a step back. They seemed to be making way for a hesitant Kili as he knelt tentatively beside her. Sitting up and looking into his face, she realized he'd said something and was waiting for her to reply.

He tapped her shoulder, getting her full attention and pointed to his own ears—and she caught the way he mouthed, "Can you hear me?"

Shaking her head in a 'no', Danika also caught sight of Fili's lips as they formed the words, "Oh, great."

Testing herself, Danika summoned a loud song, listening for any sound at all, and could make out the foggy background of the rumbling bass while everyone around her clapped their hands over their ears. Kili reached out and smacked her shoulder, grimacing until she shut the sound off with her magic.

She was incredibly startled when the older dwarf, Oin, was suddenly turning her head to the side and patting her ear—a motion she mistook, at first, as an effort to strangle her for the sudden music, but then he turned her around and repeated the action and she realized he was trying to dislodge the trapped water in her ears.

Shaking off his hands, Danika took over the remedy herself, feeling the disgusting sludge of the enchanted river leaking out of her eardrums and giving her a blessed sensation of clarity when her hearing began to return.

"Got some…bag." Her ears picked up, but nothing in between. Oin tilted her head again and released a drop of medicine from his gloved hand, further clearing the pathways in her head and allowing her to at least feel as though _one_ ear recovered fully.

"Gave us a scare," Kili smiled, still kneeling beside her. And then she was struck by a terrible realization.

Kili was incredibly handsome. Not like she didn't know it before, but she hadn't really cared for it before, and she hadn't been allowed to act on it for fear of giving the writer what they wanted. But her dunk in the river had left her feeling… woozy.

"You're pretty," Her words were slurred.

Kili's face dropped and his eyes narrowed on her. "What?"

"I lllllllllike you," Danika smiled widely with a pat on his arm, her mouth lingering on the "L" sound. "You're funny."

"Effing river," He muttered, rising to his feet and nudging her with his toe. "Get up."

"Shhh!" She held a finger up to her mouth. "I can't hear you through one ear. You'll have to whisper."

"Don't you mean speak louder? Nevermind." He nudged her with his toe again. "Come on, we need to keep moving."

"Anything you want, sweet cakes." She winked at him, rising on shaking legs. The dip her body made from having difficulty holding herself up was genuine, but she was lucid enough to plan falling into Kili's outstretched arms as he caught her before she fell too far. "Whoopsies!" she smirked at him. "You're really strong."

"And you're really drunk on Mirkwood water." Kili growled, pulling his arms back and letting her fall.

"Oof!" She fell to the forest floor, looking up at him with what she hoped was a seductive look. "I like you."

"You said that before." He said as he stepped over her form, ignoring her and putting distance between them.

"Fili," Danika whined, sitting up but making no motion to stand.

"What do you want?" Fili looked down at her warily, stepping to the spot where his brother had just been.

"Why doesn't your brother like me?" She whimpered, looking dejectedly at her hands in her lap with slouching shoulders. "I like him and he should like me and then we should like each other, because I like him. I was supposed to and I like him. He should like me. Do you see what I'm—what I'm sayin'?"

"Not really." Fili shook his head, sliding a hand under her arm and around her waist, pulling her up alongside him. "Come on."

And this is when Danika felt it was perfectly appropriate to call on her magic and play a song fitting for the situation: "All By Myself" by Eric Carmen. It might have been passable if just the song had been playing, but Danika felt the need to embellish the mood with her own hopeless feeling and started to sing along with it.

"All byyyyyyyy myseeeeeeeelf!" She wailed. "Don't wanna beeeeee all byyyyy myseeeeeelf!"

"Shutup!" She heard Kili shout at her from a few dwarves down the line.

"Hard to be sure—sometimes I feel so insecure!" Danika continued with the song. "And love so distant and obscuuuuuuuuure… remains the cuuuuuuure!"

"You're going to call down all sorts of death on us if you don't stop it." Fili muttered into her ear.

"I can't hear you over my broken heart," Danika wept into his shoulder, ending the song when she didn't feel as though anyone else was appreciative of her abilities. Fili tripped over a tree root, sending them both to the dirty ground beneath them, and Danika felt her head smack against something hard.

The collision of her head against hard dirt cleared her mind a little, allowing some of her common sense to return, but what really sobered her was the view she had now that she was staring up at the canopy of trees above them.

"SPIDERS!" She shouted.


	9. Missing Persons

.

**I**

**HOW TO WRECK A MARY SUE**

_**Chapter 9—Missing Persons**_

* * *

><p><em>And here tonight while the stars are blacking out<br>With every hope and dream I've ever had in doubt  
>I've spent ten years trying to sing these doubts away<br>But the water keeps on falling from my eyes_

_-"The Cure for Pain" Jon Foreman_

* * *

><p><em>"The Cure for Pain" John Foreman<em>

* * *

><p>Thankfully, the spider attack ended quickly and the elves came to the rescue of the dwarves immediately, proving to Kili that the writer wasn't too keen on getting the details right and more interested in moving things along. What should have transpired was the dwarves being attacked, covered in webbing, left hanging for Bilbo to rescue, and then a fight against the arachnids before their capture by the elves. Either way, Kili mused, the essentials of the story would take them along a charted course.<p>

The only detail that left Kili scratching his head was Tauriel. As the elves bound the hands of Thorin and the others, Kili scanned the area and noted that she wasn't there. Perhaps the writer was moving along with the book instead of the movie… but, no—the chapters included references to the film! So where was the red-haired elf-maid?

As confused as he might have been, he moved along with the line of prisoner dwarves and listened to the struggling sounds ahead of him. Dwalin was not pleased with being tied and even less enthused about being dragged to King Thranduil's dungeon. More sounds of resistance came from the companions surrounding him, but what worried him was the sound he didn't hear. The voice of a female, half-bred dwarf.

"Get in," The elf above him commanded, ushering him into a cell and banging the door shut behind him. Again, he noted the absence of Tauriel.

"There's not enough unoccupied cells." Someone called out to the elf that stood in front of the bars of Kili's door. "We'll have to double-up a few."

The cell-door opened again and Danika was admitted in.

Though Kili knew it was the writer's intention to force them into "alone-time" and they had resolved not to take advantage of those moments, he was relieved that the elves had chosen _his_ cell for the OC. Kili became more and more glad for it as the seconds ticked by; he could see that she was in an awful state.

The effects of the enchanted river had finally passed, leaving Danika in a sulking mood as she stood at the door of the cell, unmoving. She glared at the floor, her drenched cloak clinging to her shoulders and her messy tunic almost hanging off of one shoulder. From the spiders or from the multiple falls she'd taken while tripping through the forest, she was covered in scratches from head to toe and from the expression Danika wore, she was beginning to remember her drunken outcries with shame.

It was so obviously a setup to elicit some sort of sympathy from Kili—locked in a small space with the injured female who was suffering from embarrassment and needed a kind word… and perhaps a comforting touch. Part of him wondered why they were fighting the prompts at all now, wondered why it was necessary and why it was an evil to worry over the unique person he'd become friends with so quickly. But until she recovered herself and proved she was rational enough to talk about it, Kili determined that the best course of action was to go along with the plan they'd already formulated.

"Feeling sorry for yourself over there?" He snorted, taking out his pipe and letting the tip rest between his lips.

Danika didn't look up, but lifted her hand, raising her middle finger at him.

Kili's laugh was gravelly. "Oh, how the tables have turned." He tapped the bench he sat upon. "You can sit. I promise not to make out with you."

"Shutup," She sneered at him with an upraised lip, taking a few steps toward the bench and wringing out her wet cloak.

"Why aren't you dry?" Kili's eyebrow rose. "You fell in an hour ago, but you're dripping wet." He pointed his pipe at the puddle that followed her movement.

Danika didn't answer but sent him an angry look as she unclasped the cloak and let fall with a wet smack onto the floor. She pinched at the sleeve falling off of her shoulder with a roll of her eyes.

"Oh," Kili nodded. Now he understood—locked in a small space with the injured female who was suffering from embarrassment and needed a kind word, a comforting touch… and the suggested removal of sopping-wet clothes. "Nevermind."

Danika dropped herself to the bench with a sigh, leaning up against the wall with her legs flung out in front of her. "Maybe I should have added fire to the list of magical abilities I could've had."

"What for?"

"Because I could really use a smoke right about now." She grumbled, looking away from him and crossing her arms.

Kili resisted the urge to make conversation with her over the next few hours, but something tugged at the back of his mind and he knew he would have to speak to her eventually. Danika was always so chipper, even if she _was_ sarcastic most of the time, but this cloud that loomed over her head… it looked like she'd given up.

"Talk to me." He finally said, leaning over and pulling her wet boots from her feet. She looked like she wanted to object to the action, but then nodded in thanks and rubbed her tired-looking face. "Tell me what you're thinking." He said, nudging her with his elbow.

"Why? So we can _bond_ some more?" She grimaced.

"Mostly because you're in a funk and you can't go through the rest of the story like this."

"Why does it even matter?" Danika whispered.

"Don't talk like that." Kili said firmly, leaning in front of her face so that she could see his stern expression. "Don't even think like that. You had so much hope when this all started, where did it go?"

"That was before…" Danika seemed to let the sentence die.

"Tell me what you're thinking," Kili insisted.

With a heavy sigh, Danika's fidgeting hands fell to her lap. "I just feel so violated."

"Because you got a little tipsy from a cursed stream?" Kili joked, but his smile died when her face continued to show defeat. "You can't let that stop you from what we're doing here."

"How do you do it?" She shook her head at him. "How do you keep going on like this? I was an absolute idiot back there, laid bare for all to see in my sing-song glory!"

The muscles in Kili's jaw clenched. "Because for every horrible story I have to endure, there's always a good one, too. I've been so many places, married the love of my life over and over again, even enjoyed getting to know my father when he's supposed to have died… yeah, sometimes it's rough, but there's always something good to look forward to."

A bit of light returned to Danika's eyes and she scrutinized Kili as he smiled at her and spoke on. "These stories are like a wheel that's spinning around—there's highs and lows, but eventually they'll turn away from one and move to the other." And then with a smirk, he added, "How many times to people get to fall passionately in love with someone? Once? Twice? Babe, I've done it a lot more than that and it was real every single time."

"You're such a player." A tiny smile cracked on Danika's lips.

"You bet," He winked at her. Kili didn't consider himself to be a "player", especially when a majority of the time the woman he was paired with was his "true love", erased and replaced as the stories went on, but whatever made Danika smile and stop sulking was gold. A small part of his brain lingered on the question of whether or not they wanted to resist the story anymore, but he shoved it away, satisfied that Danika was smiling again and not wanting to burden her with something that would certainly set the drama spinning again.

They both jumped, startled, as a bundle was tossed into their cell. Kili hadn't seen who had thrown it, but there on the floor was a rolled up cloth, tied with string. He approached it cautiously, nudging it with his toe and then leaned down to assess what it was.

"What is it?" Danika asked warily.

"It looks like a tunic and some pants," He cocked his head at it curiously as his fingers worked to untie the string. "Yep, these are for you." Kili tossed the clothes at her, palming the small fire-starter stone that had fallen out of the folds.

"What's that?" She nodded her head at the rock in his hands.

"For making a fire." He smiled, wrapping up the string and reading the small note at the end of it. "Still want that smoke?"

"Yes, please," Danika grinned widely. "I'm gonna need to dress first, though… think you could—"

"Looking away," Kili said as he turned away from her and stood at the bars of the door. He flipped the note over in his fingers and looked out once more at the guards on duty. Still no Tauriel. Did the she-elf even exist? She was essential to a certain bit of the story if the writer was still following the movies: he'd be getting shot in the thigh pretty soon and if she didn't show up to heal him in Laketown... but, no- Danika could heal him.

"There was a note," He murmured to Danika, listening to the sound of her dripping apparel hitting the floor.

"What's it say?" Kili heard her ask.

"It says: give my love to Bofur."

"To Bofur?" Danika mused, finally clothed in the dry shirt and pants and coming alongside Kili. "Who's it from?"

"I dunno." Kili shook his head, eyes searching once more.

"What are you looking for?" She asked, setting herself once more on the bench.

"Nothing," He answered quickly, not wanting to worry Danika over something he wasn't even sure would happen. Maybe no Tauriel meant no arrow. That would be blessedly welcome, he inwardly laughed. Turning and walking to the bench, he produced his pipe and a small tobacco pouch, packing the cup with a few leaves and scratching the fire stone against the wall. Sparks flew in all directions, but he caught one in the pipe and blew on it, sending it smoking in seconds.

One satisfying and wispy puff later, he offered the pipe to Danika, but drew it back suddenly as she reached for it.

"I'm only sharing on one condition." He said with a grin. Danika looked up at him expectantly with her arms crossed. "There's probably no way for me to say this smoothly," Kili's brow crinkled, "but I never want to hear you sing again."

Danika's eyes widened and then she burst into a guffaw, holding her sides and not caring about how boisterous her laughter was. Kili enjoyed her reaction; a part of him was sure she would have been offended at the joke, but he realized he should know her better than that. She wasn't exactly conventional…

"I am so sorry you had to endure it in the forest," She said as she snorted in laugher. "I promise that I will NEVER sing for you again."


	10. Splash Mountain

.

**I**

**HOW TO WRECK A MARY SUE**

_**Chapter 10 – Splash Mountain**_

* * *

><p><em>Fearless was my middle name, but somewhere there I lost my way<em>

_Everyone walks the same,_

_expecting me to step the narrow path they've laid_

_They claim to walk unafraid_

_-"Walk Unafraid" First Aid Kit_

* * *

><p><em>"How Come You Never Go There" Feist<em>

* * *

><p>Kili was starting to doze off when Danika tried to start another conversation.<p>

"Kili?"

"Mm?"

"Do you think it was Bilbo who gave us the bundle with the note?"

Kili shrugged. "Probably was. I heard the footsteps, but I didn't see anyone."

"Then why do you think he wrote, 'Give Bofur my love'?"

He shrugged again. "Honestly, I'd rather not think about it…" he trailed off, hoping for a quiet moment.

"Kili?"

Inwardly moaning, the dwarf rose from where he had been lying on his back against the stone bench. Danika stood beside his shoulder wearing a panicked expression.

"What is it?"

"We have a really big problem," She said, biting her lip. "There's something important missing…"

Eyes widening, Kili wondered if Danika had realized the absence of Tauriel from the story as well, but as he was about to open his mouth, Danika cut him off.

"There's no bathroom in here." She said with a little whine.

Oh. Yeah, it'd be about time for something like that to show up.

He couldn't help but let out a little laugh, but immediately regretted it when he saw the lass's desperate expression. "Well, you can call the guards and beg them to let you out or I can turn my back and you can rough it in here."

Danika looked at him with wide eyes and quickly flung herself to the barred door, calling out to the guards and begging them to let her out to relieve herself. Her hollering was answered by the grumpy sounds of dwarves interrupted from sleep, but the elves that were standing guard refused to speak. None of them even looked as though they took pity on her, standing at their posts with blank stares.

Smirking widely, Kili found he was unable to hold it back any longer and let out a loud burst of laughter.

"It's not funny!" Danika squealed.

"Do you want me to stand at the door and turn my back?"

"I am _not_ going to pop a squat in the corner of this cell. Everyone else will be able to look in and see!"

"No, they won't," Kili said, standing and walking to the door. "I'll be standing in front of it—walk as far back as you can and _no one_ can see you."

Danika bit her lip. "But you'll _hear_ me."

"Then I guess I can't help you," He snorted with a smile. "…and you'll have to mess yourself."

She only had long enough to let out an "eep" noise before their cell-door opened and the elusive Bilbo made his appearance.

"Oh, thank God," Danika said, sighing in relief with her hand on her chest and an eyeroll. Before Kili made it through the door, she smacked his shoulder. "Messing myself? You're disgusting."

Kili tried to keep his laughter down, but found it was unnecessary- the guards who had been standing on post had inexplicably disappeared, giving the freed dwarves a clear shot to the cellar.

When Bilbo explained to the lot of them that they would be climbing into barrels, Danika eyed Kili warily. "There's thirteen barrels." She whispered to him out of the corner of her mouth.

"Yes…?"

"Thirteen dwarves…" Danika waved a hand at them, obviously trying to lead Kili to some sort of conclusion, but he was having trouble following her logic.

"Yes, and then there's you and Bilbo," Kili said with a raised eyebrow. "And your point is…?"

"Do you mean to tell me that I don't get my own barrel?" Danika whispered with heated frustration.

"I thought you knew that." Kili mumbled, climbing into a barrel just as the others did. "Get in!"

The half-breed seemed to be hesitating, alternating between glances at the barrel and glances at Bilbo. Kili understood her reservations, but he also knew that they didn't have time to argue about it.

"Listen, Danika, you can either hang on to the side like Bilbo and get banged up in the process, or you can run along the side of the river with the orcs," He waved at the extra space in the barrel. "Or you can ride safely next to a body that will cushion you."

"Ugh!" She moaned, stomping her foot and climbing into the barrel with him. There was enough space that they weren't packed tightly together, but Kili could feel that she was trembling.

"It's going to be fine," He reassured her, waiting with closed eyes for Bilbo to pull the level and let the barrels fall.

"No, it's not," Danika grumbled, closing her own eyes and clenching her teeth together. "You said there wouldn't be anymore heights, but these barrels have to make it down the shoot before we get to the river."

"Sorry, I forgot about that," Kili rolled his eyes, realizing she was totally right and scolding himself for making his earlier promise without having thought it through. "It's just one drop and then we're in the water, okay?"

Danika seemed to be taking measured breaths, bracing for the motion of the barrels—which still hadn't moved, much to Kili's frustration. It was taking longer than was necessary….

"Bilbo!" Kili shouted to the hobbit. "Do it, already!"

The croak of barrels reached Kili's ear and he pushed his arms around Danika, enveloping her as best he could. "Here we go…"

* * *

><p><em>"Walk Unafraid" First Aid Kit<em>

* * *

><p>Danika felt terrible for Kili's ears. She was unleashing a terrified scream as their barrel dropped into the water below and was certain she had deafened the poor dwarf before they even struck the wet surface. His arms were wrapped tightly around her, either for comfort or so that they both didn't slip out of the barrel—either way, the impact against the water sent Danika flying out of the barrel and under the surface of the river within the cave.<p>

Well, at least the good news was that when Danika's bladder decided to empty itself out of pure fear, it had done so in the water and not in the barrel with Kili.

The bad news was that she was free-floating and the barrels were traveling _away_ from her. But instead of panicking, instinct kicked in and she pumped her arms and legs, swimming quickly to the first barrel she saw.

"Where's Bilbo?" She sputtered to Bofur-in-the-barrel, spitting out water and shaking the wet hair from her face. Bofur pointed upwards and they both watched as the hobbit dropped into the water.

Danika immediately swam from barrel to barrel until she found Kili's and climbed over the lip of it, dropping inside and peering over the edge with him. They dropped over a small waterfall, but the sight of it didn't scare Danika as much as she thought it would. Heights or not, they were riding along the surface of something, and she knew she could handle _that_. The whole thing reminded her of a water-ride at an amusement park.

"Look!" She pointed a wet finger toward the bridge over the water. The guards had already shut the gates under the bridge, halting the progress of the barrels. Thorin's had already clapped up against the bars of the gate and he looked murderously around at the other barrels that collided with his.

"This is like bumper-boats gone wrong," Danika grumbled. "How do we get the gates open?"

"I have to jump out and pull the lever," Kili moaned. Danika could see that he'd been hoping not to run into this situation again and felt a strong pang of pity for him.

"I was looking for something aside from that," She said in a voice that insisted Kili look at her. "Something else—there's got to be something else—" From behind her, she could hear the orcs gathering along the shore and the elves as they came to fight against the ugly creatures.

"That's the part that no one gets to see," Kili shook his head. "If I don't do it, Fili will." He paused while their barrel clapped against the collection of angry dwarves. "No one ever writes it, but I can see it. I _know_ that's what would happen."

"Then let him." Danika pleaded, knowing how harsh and pathetic it sounded. "You've done this enough- maybe it's his turn to-"

"Stop," Kili clapped a hand over her mouth, clenching his eyes shut and taking in a deep breath. "Whether he's following the overprotective prompt or just being a jerk, he's still my brother." Danika shuddered under the ferocious determination in Kili's now-opened eyes. "And I won't let him get hurt like that—especially when that's _my_ burden to bear, not his."

Danika really didn't want to admit it, but a swell of pride ran through her, knowing that Kili was being the better man—or dwarf. She recalled her first glimpse of Fili in the waiting room, endlessly making fun of Kili as he underwent the horrors of certain fan fictions. The guy was a douche and Danika didn't feel as though he deserved Kili's protection, but it wasn't her place to argue—especially when Kili was already out of the barrel and running toward the lever.

"Kili!" She heard Fili shout, and she watched his wide eyes as he noticed his brother on the bridge. Fili had apparently taken a weapon from an enemy that had come too close, throwing it at an orc that threatened to attack Kili from behind.

Danika clung to the lid of the barrel, hoping and praying that the story wouldn't take a turn for the worse.

* * *

><p><em>"Everybody Wants to Rule the World" Lorde<em>

* * *

><p>Danika watched as Kili came closer to the lever, reaching out for it with both hands and pulling down with strength. She was beginning to feel hopeful—maybe they could make it through without anyone getting hurt!<p>

But the thought came just as she heard the sickening_ thunk_ of an impact on Kili's flesh, audible despite the cries of the dwarves and the rush of the river. Danika winced and grit her teeth when she saw that the arrow had completely missed his thigh—

—and struck his lower ribs instead.

"Kili!" Everyone seemed to shout in unison. Danika wasn't sure why, but she turned her head and saw an elf grappling with the orc that had shot the arrow. She was certain it wasn't Tauriel—the elf was moving too much, but Danika could see that he or she wore all black and bound their hair in a single, tight braid that whipped around as the opponents wrestled. The orc archer must have been ready to take his shot and had misfired as the elf took him on. The reason was irrelevant; Danika turned her head back to the bridge.

Kili had fallen to the ground and didn't look to be getting up.

"No, no, no, no, no…" Danika gasped, fear curling into anger. Clamping her hands down on the sides of the barrel, she hoisted herself out and jumped to the shore, running up the steps and pulling with her weight against the lever. She surprised herself by taking up a fallen weapon and hoisting it into the innards of an orc as he came toward them, roaring at him with a fury that made her arms and legs tremble with adrenaline.

"Danika!" Fili shouted from below with a hand on her wandering, empty barrel even as his began to move closer to the waterfall. "Get Kili!"

Danika scooped Kili into her arms, pulling with an inhuman strength and stepping over the edge of the bridge, allowing both of them to drop into the barrel below. A crack met her ears, and Danika scolded herself for not having pulled the arrow out of the limp Kili's chest before jumping—hoping that the cracking sound had just been the breaking of the arrow shaft and not one of his ribs.


	11. Overload!

.

**I**

**HOW TO WRECK A MARY SUE**

_**Chapter 11-Overload**_

* * *

><p><em>They won't pay a cent to hear you laughing<em>_  
><em>_They might pay a little to hear you cry__  
><em>_If you do it long enough__  
><em>_They might even pay attention__  
><em>_But they still won't pay respect until you die_

_-"Broken From the Start" John Foreman_

* * *

><p><em>"Rise" The Frames<em>

* * *

><p>"Fili, is he still breathing, at least?" Kili could hear from far away. He felt as though he was drowning in thick, muddy water, except that he could still breathe. Oh, how heavenly breathing felt…<p>

But that cramping in his side was abysmal. Maybe he should be stretching more before running all over the place.

Ouch. Nope, that wasn't a cramp—there was something _inside_ of him. Something sharp and barbed…

"He hasn't stopped breathing since the last time you asked." Kili heard his brother answer.

Where were they? They weren't outside, that much was certain… where they already in Bard's house?

Kili willed his eyes to open and his head to turn, but his muscles felt stiff, as though he'd fallen asleep days ago and was now moving for the first time. "Where?" He ground out, surprised by the rasp of his voice.

"Kili!" Instantly, a pair of blue eyes hovered above him. "You're alive."

"Not for long," Kili groaned, awakening to the fullness of his pained senses. He could feel the syrupy sensation of the poison running throughout him, chilling his feet and causing his legs to tingle as though they'd fallen asleep. "I think the writer wants to kill me."

Death didn't really scare the dwarf, he'd died countless times, only to reappear somewhere else and start the cycle all over again—but the deaths were usually gruesome and though he took comfort from his "immortality", he could still _feel_ pain. The arrow had hit closer to his heart and he was beginning to lose hope concerning his chances of survival in this story. The only reason he'd had so much time in the previous scenarios was because he'd been shot in the leg and there had been more distance for the poison to travel, but already he could feel it overwhelming him.

Kili shifted tentatively, hands brushing against linen and padding. This confirmed the dwarf's earlier suspicion that they were in Bard's house, but the timing of it was still surprising. He was about to ask how long it had been since their dip in the river, but his inner arm brushed against something hard at his ribs and caused him to gasp.

"Why do I still have an arrow in my side?" He asked with rounded eyes.

This time, Fili leaned over the dwarf and answered, "Oin says the arrowhead is stopping you from bleeding out—like a cork in a bottle."

"I keep asking them when they plan on taking it out, but they only tell me that we're waiting for something." Danika said with a roll of her eyes.

"Waiting for what?" Kili asked in frustration, locking eyes with his brother. "What's going on?"

"Just be patient," Fili patted Kili's arm, sending him a reassuring smile. But Kili could still see it—Fili was nervous about something.

Turning his head to face Danika again, Kili reached out to one of her hands. "Why can't you heal it?"

"I want to, Kili, but I can't," She said with a guilty expression, "I can't pull the poison out, I can only close up the skin and cutoff the only opening we have to treat it with athelas."

Groaning in frustration, Kili rubbed a hand up and down his face, wincing when the movement of his arm pulled at the barbed arrow. "Then find some athelas."

"I don't know the spell," Danika moaned, her breath hitching as her eyes began to fill with tears. "And I don't know where Tauriel is, I haven't seen her this whole time and I didn't want to mention it because I thought it would worry you." The half-breed shook her head. "I don't know what's going on, I don't understand—this wasn't supposed to happen! We were able to predict everything except for this, and now it's all bonkers! I don't know what to do—"

"First of all," Kili said, pulling on her hand with his. "Calm down. You're freaking out. Stop it." He waited for her sobs to quiet down, piercing her with determined eyes. "Second of all, that's where this becomes an adventure—we don't know what's going to happen next, but it certainly won't be boring."

"But I can't start an adventure with the death of my best friend," Danika muttered weakly.

Kili winced, surprised by how much that sentiment both thrilled and scared him. "We don't know if you'll have to, yet. Just keep your chin up—we have to press forward anyway, right? There's nothing else we can do, so let's keep going as though the world isn't coming to an end."

Danika nodded and shivered, letting out the last remnants of her sobs. Suddenly a tiny smile crept onto her face. "Well, this is strange. When did I become the downer and you become the optimistic one—where's the Kili I met in the waiting room?"

"Did you like that Kili?"

"No!" Danika held up her hands in disgust.

"Neither did I," Kili winked at her. "But this story's brought back a little hope for me."

* * *

><p><em>"What is Love" Kiesza<em>

* * *

><p>As she sat on the side of the bed, Danika rested her hands in her lap, taking up one of Kili's and stroking the back of his hand absently. "Kili, what's your perfect story?"<p>

"Hmm?" He had closed his eyes for a moment, but looked at her curiously. "You mean, like a fan fiction?"

Danika nodded.

His eyebrows rose and he sank his head back to the pillow, a thoughtful expression playing on his face. "I'm pretty sure it would involve somewhere green and beautiful. I know we dwarves are supposed to like the mountains, but I've never seen anything quite as comfortable as Beorn's house."

Smiling widely, Danika bit her lip, remembering how completely relaxed he'd been during their stay in the skin-changer's home.

"Of course," Kili spoke up, "it'd be that much better if I had Netflix and some modern food."

A burst of laughter left Danika's lips before she was ready for it and she displayed her manners with a lovely snort for good measure. "Really, now? What was your favorite food?"

"Mmm," Kili closed his eyes and smiled from ear to ear dreamily. "Pizza. With meat toppings. I don't understand why we don't have something like that in this world, it isn't even all that hard to—"

But he never finished and Danika watched his closed eyes clench together and his lip turn up in a grimace. Kili's body began to convulse and Danika could feel the panic rising in her chest.

"Fili, help!" She shouted, rising to her feet and hovering over the dwarf's writhing body, hand still clutching at Kili's. "What were we waiting for? You have to tell me!"

Already at his brother's side, Fili held Kili's other hand and pressed against the shoulder of his thrashing brother, keeping Kili from falling to the floor. Fili's eyes were full of agony, clearly distraught from watching Kili as the dwarf began to cry out and squirm against their touches.

"She's coming," Fili whispered. "She'll be here."

"Who's coming? Kili can't wait!" Danika shouted, her heart torn between the despair from hearing Kili's cries and the anger she felt over Fili's stubborn insistence for patience. "We need to do something _now_!"

"We will," said a voice suddenly from behind her, and Danika turned to face the tall body of an elf. "Stand aside."

"Tauriel?" Danika's mouth dropped open. She was paralyzed with shock and couldn't budge, allowing herself to be shoved aside instead.

"Took you long enough." Fili grumbled from where he stood, still hovering over Kili.

"I was obviously busy," The red-haired elf murmured. "You sent me to do too many things at once."

"Is he here yet?" Fili asked urgently, but Danika couldn't process their words, still paralyzed with shock and standing to the side, assessing the strange picture before her.

It was no wonder Danika hadn't recognized the elf from before—Tauriel wore black trousers and a black coat wrapped close to her body by a myriad of buckles, her hair pulled back into a single braid that ended just above her waist. She was chanting something and an herbal smell filled the room, causing Danika to sigh in relief as the realization dawned on her that Kili wouldn't be dying just yet.

But their conversation… "Fili, I don't understand what's going on." She said, clearing her throat.

"Wait," He held up a hand to her without taking his eyes off of Kili. "Is it working?"

"Yes," Tauriel answered quickly, rubbing a green paste into the gouge at Kili's lower ribs. Danika hadn't even noticed when they pulled the arrow out, but was thankful to see his limbs relax and his breathing coming out in throaty gasps instead of screams.

She never thought she'd seen anything so terrible as Kili's face when he'd been crying out, just as she'd never seen anything so relieving as his expression when Tauriel's herbs had begun to soothe the overwhelming hurt. Danika would have to admit it sooner or later—if the writer had only done one thing well, it would be how much she genuinely cared about Kili.

"It's gonna be fine, lass," She felt a hand on her shoulder and realized Bofur was standing behind her.

"Is it?" Danika peered into the miner's brown eyes. "Everything seemed so out of control until a few moments ago… and even now, I feel like I'm missing something." Her fearful expression gave way to frustration. "What does everyone else seem to know that I don't?"

Bofur threw his head back and his laughter filled the room, along with a few chortles from Ori and Balin.

"Lass—"

He was interrupted by a frustrated Gloin. "No, you don't! I put my lot in for tomorrow."

Bofur waved him off. "Well, things are really mussed, now that you've said something like that."

"What," Danika stomped her boot, "is going on?" But then she looked around and saw the expressions on the dwarves faces and she suddenly understood. "…All of you were in on it, too!"

"Aye," Bofur's eyes twinkled. "From the start, lass, we knew just as well as you did that this was a fan fiction."

Danika gaped at him. "Then why did you play along?"

"That was his idea," Bofur jerked his thumb at Dori. "We followed you through the door just after you and Kili agreed to muck up the story—we didn't think that was a bad idea, so instead of letting the two of you have all the fun…"

Danika's legs wobbled and her hand flew to her head. "I think I'm having a brain overload."

Quickly helping her to sit against a stool, Bofur stood in front of her with his arms crossed. "We took wagers on which one of you would be the first to notice and when."

Blowing out a steadying breath, Danika looked up at the dwarf and raised an eyebrow. "Who won?"

"Well, technically, Oin just did, but there's been some debate between him and Bilbo about the caves above the goblin kingdom."

"When I called you out on your dialogue!" Danika remembered, pointing a finger at him. "When you said something out of character and I told Kili about it."

"But you didn't act on it." Bofur smiled. "You let it pass and the rest of the story is history."

Danika spared a glance at the bed, satisfied to see a peacefully sleeping Kili. "Why didn't you do more to help him?"

"What? And make everything fluff and pillows for you two?" Bofur shook his head. "There's no chance for adventure if there's no risk involved. Besides," He nudged her shoulder with a knuckle, "You've done a fine job taking care of our boy, here."

"Not at the end," Danika ducked her head. "He almost died…"

"But he didn't." Fili called to her from beside the bed. He had moved to sit beside Kili on the bed, Kili's sleeping head leaning and nestled into Fili's leg while the older brother stroked soft fingers through the archer's hair. "So stop sulking about it."

* * *

><p><strong>I'll bet you weren't expecting that ;) Think you know what's going to happen next? Guess again!<strong>


	12. Warm

.

**I**

**HOW TO WRECK A MARY SUE**

_**Chapter 12 – Warm**_

* * *

><p><em>I want to see the colours of another sky<em>_  
><em>_Carry me home on your shoulders__  
><em>_Lower me on to my bed__  
><em>_Show me the night that I dreamed about before_**  
><strong>

_-"Mexico" The Staves_

* * *

><p><em>"Mexico" The Staves, Ethan Johns<em>

* * *

><p>Sleep never came easily for Kili, so when pairs of hands were removing him from the comfort of Bard's lovely, warm bed, he responded with a growl.<p>

"Come on, sleepyhead," He heard just before being lifted by a set of strong arms. Without opening his eyes, he knew who the arms belonged to.

"Uncle?" Kili groaned. "What's going on?"

"Hush," Thorin's deep baritone rumbled beside Kili's body; his head and knees draped over the dwarf King's arms like a child. "We're moving you somewhere safe." The sway of Thorin's arms with each step he took was lulling Kili back into a comfortable doze. "Won't be long, just rest. Everything is under control."

* * *

><p>Danika found herself staring as Thorin lifted Kili from the bed. The archer responded with a grimace and a groan—or was that a growl?—while his seemingly boneless limbs melted over his uncle's arms. If she'd been a much larger, much stronger being, she would have taken it upon herself to gather Kili into her arms and protect him from the world like a small babe.<p>

It was difficult to resist those urges when Kili looked so exhausted and beaten, a strange alternative to the pride and admiration she felt when the dwarf's ferocious side was unleashed—the powerful tide of fury that would lend his dexterous hands the strength and skill to fell any enemy that crossed his path, large or small. But _this_ Kili… he was so tired, and not just needing sleep. Surely, he had earned his rest ten times over and yet here they were, awakening him again to avoid the peril that seemed to follow him without mercy.

Following closely behind Thorin as they descended the steps from Bard's home, Danika peered at the horse-drawn cart in the distance. Laketown did not have an abundance of ponies or horses, but there were enough to make do—Dori's plan was working smoothly… so far. Now, they just needed to join the throngs of people who made their way across the bridge to land. Bofur was already sitting at the reins of a small cart, waiting for them.

"Where are we going?" Kili mumbled, head lolling and eyes fluttering open.

Fili climbed into the back of the cart, reaching out his hands to help Thorin lift Kili into the back with him. "We're headed to shore. Don't ask questions, just lie back." His brother answered, grunting as he lowered Kili to lay down against the wooden boards.

"Where's Danika?" Kili muttered weakly, scrambling to sit up as Fili settled himself beside the wounded dwarf.

Fili turned his head to face her, waving an arm at her. "There's enough room—are you coming?"

There was no point in refusing—Danika couldn't think of a reason not to join them, and even if she had, she wouldn't have listened to it. The story had gone wacky and while she was prepared to do what was necessary, a bit of her confidence had died down and it was getting harder and harder to deny that she felt safer around Kili.

Heaving upward with one foot on a wheel, Danika swung her other foot beside the two dwarves and plopped in clumsily. Kili, sitting between them, managed to sit up and rest his head against Fili's shoulder, reaching out to grasp Danika's warm hand with his cold one.

Turning her head to peer over the lip of the cart, Danika called to Thorin. "Bring blankets when you come," she reminded him firmly. "Loads of blankets." She was relieved when the older dwarf simply nodded at her, forgetting to take offense to the fact that she had just _told_ him to do something instead of _asking_ him. She scolded herself inwardly and reminded herself that story or not, he was still a King and had seen them through their hellish journey. "Please," She added a little late, but he smiled at the word and nodded his head again, obviously appreciative of the sentiment.

Scooting closer to Kili, Danika pressed her side against his after removing her jacket, laying it over him and hoping it wouldn't take them long to reach the shore. The cart jerked with sudden movement and they were on their way.

* * *

><p><em>Mmmmm<em>. Kili thought. _Warmth. _He hesitated to open his eyes, knowing it was possible he might awaken to something that would shatter his sense of peace, but he knew better than to blindly trust _any_ feelings of peace. They were always so fleeting…

A small twitch of his limbs told him he was sitting, propped up against something, but he was cocooned in so many blankets that the only sensation he was entirely certain of was heat.

"Are you awake?" He heard from directly behind his ear. Kili jolted a little and turned his head, realizing that the thing he was propped up against was Danika. She was sitting directly behind him on the ground with her arms around his shoulders, keeping him from falling to either side, and resting herself against a tree.

Well, if Danika was there and if they were wrapped up in blankets like a burrito, perhaps there wasn't _much_ danger to be concerned with… he couldn't help himself and sighed contentedly, letting his head fall back against Danika's shoulder and allowing his limbs to loosen again.

"Do I even want to know what's going on or where we are?" Kili asked dreamily.

"I can tell you, if you like," She laughed softly. "Or not. It doesn't really matter."

"It will matter if we're too wrapped up to run away from dragon-fire," Kili snorted, closing his eyes.

"That's not something you need to worry about." She snickered into his ear, her nose brushing up against his hair.

"Why not?" He tensed a little, confusion spreading through his mind as he regained some sense. "Has Thorin left us behind already?"

"Thorin hasn't left for the mountain." Danika answered, taking in a breath and squeezing her arms tighter around Kili's shoulders. He realized the action was meant to reassure him—he was resisting the urge to jump up and take charge of the situation, finding out why she was being so passive and why there didn't seem to be any danger… but Kili trusted the half-breed, knowing that she would have alerted him if he was really needed. For now, he allowed himself to melt into her warmth again, savoring the quiet moments while they lasted.

"I have to give you a huge amount of credit," Danika said as she patted his arm. "I would have been screaming to know what's going on."

"These moments are so few, though," Kili groaned. "I know better than to question them when they come. You'll let me know when it's time to start running again."

"Kili," Danika shifted, pulling at a blanket that had come loose. "What if I said you didn't have to run anymore?"

"I would say that's not a nice thing to dangle in front of me when we both know you can't really say it," Kili grumbled. He turned his head to look up into her face and saw her bite her lip.

"But what if it was true? What if we could offer you something like that?"

"Who's 'we'?"

"Thorin. Bofur. Dori, Or, Nori, King Thranduil, Bard, Beorn, Tauriel—"

"So, she _is_ here."

"Yes," Danika nodded her head. "We were so busy trying to defy the story that we didn't notice the rest of them playing along with us—but they've known from the beginning what was happening. And this," she pointed toward the shoreline, "is where they've all come together to change things."

"They knew?" Kili was having difficulty believing it, but there were so many strange things happening that it was just a drop in the bucket of his confusion. The dwarf rolled his eyes. "I feel like there's no point in trying to understand what's going on."

"There isn't," Danika chuckled. "Just sit back and enjoy the show."

"The show?" Kili's brows came together as his nose picked up a mouthwatering scent. "Is someone cooking meat?"

Danika nodded. "Have you had enough sleep? I'm sure you're hungry. If you can't stand, I can get something for you—"

But he was already digging himself out of the layers of blanket, hissing when the frigid temperature smacked sharply against his skin. It was a small blessing, he realized, when the arrow had struck him in the side and not the legs, for while his ribs were throbbing and ached, mobility would not be a problem. He felt a soft cloth over his shoulders, still warm from their body heat, and he turned to find Danika resting the blanket on him and smiling at him in a carefree expression he'd not seen since they had left Beorn's house.

"Does my lady need an escort?" He held out an arm to her with a smile, grinning even wider when she looped her arm through his.

"Why so chivalrous?" She blushed, reaching over his chest to stop the blanket from falling off of his shoulders.

"I'm not, I just don't know where the barbecue is and I'm being sneaky and asking you to lead me while I lean on you." He flinched a little when Danika laughed, bumping his injured side accidentally. It was worth it. She had the most un-lady-like burst of laughter, snorting and slapping at her knee, and it was a welcome characteristic, more familiar to him than the sweet little giggles of the refined ladies he'd always been paired with. Danika had been so very right when she'd said it before: he was her best friend—evident from her comfortable demeanor around him—and she was his.


	13. Summer in Winter

.

**I**

**HOW TO WRECK A MARY SUE**

_**Chapter 13 –Summer in Winter**_

* * *

><p><em>"Fortunate Son" Creedence Clearwater Revival<em>

* * *

><p>Danika walked beside the wide-eyed Kili, savoring his expression. One might have looked at the dwarf's furrowed brow and pursed lips and called him confused or frustrated, but Danika knew he was impressed.<p>

They watched the spectacles along the shoreline and further inland: a group of the dwarves had taught some of the men how to play football and were tossing an oddly-shaped ball around, tackling each other into the dirt with vigor as the rules of the game became more apparent—elsewhere Bombur stood at a large fire-pit and cooked, having gathered the materials to create an ale-saturated barbecue sauce which scented the air enough to make Danika smack her lips—others were gathered around the barrels of ale and wine—most walked around with plates of food—Bofur and a smattering of dwarves and men were standing on a platform of rocks and playing music—and a few had even set up a lane for potato sack races. If it hadn't been the first days of winter, Danika might have mistaken the gathering for a fourth of July party.

Out of the corner of her eye, Danika could see that Kili was having trouble moving, his side obviously still sore. He wore a concerned frown. "Aren't they afraid?" He whispered to her. "Don't they know the dragon will be coming soon?"

"Yes. That's why they're here. To watch."

"To watch?" Kili gaped, incredulous.

Danika patted his arm. "Everything's under control." She assured him.

"That's what Thorin said," Kili murmured, ducking his head and holding his side as he followed Danika.

"If you're hurting, we can stop here." Danika offered, brows knitting together in concern. "And don't you dare say you're fine, or I'll knock you to the ground and make you stay there."

"Some nurse you are." Kili grumbled with a wince. "I'm sorry, I _do_ need to stop."

"Don't apologize," Danika shook her head, "and thank you for being honest." She scanned the area, taking note of the tables and chairs that had been hauled to shore—adding even more to Danika's notion of a fourth of July celebration—and guided Kili to an empty table, prompting him to sit on the bench beside it.

"Wait here, I'll be back in a flash!" She said, hands on the blanket over his shoulders and satisfying herself that it wouldn't fall again.

A few minutes later, she was juggling a few plates and a flagon, walking back to find Kili hunched over the table and resting his forehead against his arm. The tankard clapping down on the surface of the table made Kili jerk his head up and his mouth widened in a grin that went from ear to ear.

"Barbecued ribs, biscuits, beans, mashed potatoes, cheddar corn, spiced hot ale, and a heavy slice of cake." She announced with a smile, setting down the plates and waving her hands at the small feast.

Kili eyed the food with a heavy lust before dipping a finger into the cheddar corn and raising it to his mouth, licking it with a slow, savoring motion that made Danika's heart skip a beat. She couldn't really understand it, but refused to question the immense joy she felt in watching this haggard dwarf enjoy the warm meal.

"Hot ale," Kili licked his lips, raising the flagon to his mouth and taking a small sip. Tendrils of steam emanated from the cup and Danika delighted in the happy groan the dwarf gave from what she assumed was the heated contents pouring down his throat and warming him from the inside out. "Ohhhh, that's the stuff."

Danika was fighting the urge to clap giddily at the dwarf's response when he suddenly looked up at her and patted the space beside him on the bench. "Sit. Eat with me."

She moved around the table and sat beside him, suddenly frowning. With a mouth full of biscuit, Kili eyed her with confusion, startling when she pulled the blanket from his shoulders and brought out a knife. Cutting a small hole in the center, Danika sheathed the knife and rose to her feet, slipping the hole over Kili's head and smoothing the rest of the blanket out over his shoulders before settling down on the bench again.

"A poncho?" He smirked at her, crumbs falling over his chin.

"It wouldn't stay over your shoulders, it was driving me crazy." Danika said with a roll of her eyes.

"Thanks, mum," He elbowed her in the ribs, scooping up a spoonful of beans and moaning in contentment as he chewed. "Are you going to eat?"

"I already ate, but I'll pick at your cake if you don't mind."

Reaching an arm out to slide the plate away from her, he made a fake sulking expression, but then shook his head and chortled—as well as one could chortle without letting beans spill from their mouth—and slid it back to her. "I'll eat and listen—you talk: What's the plan?"

"You mean, the plan for the rest of the story? There's the complicated version and the easy version, which do you want?"

"The truth."

"Well, both are true, but we'll start with the easy one." Danika shook her head at him. "Thorin has had Tauriel running a few errands for him, so she's been running from place to place and getting things ready for a showdown."

Kili nodded and a sucking noise escaping his teeth as he worked at the barbecued ribs.

"King Dain and King Thranduil already took care of the army of orcs, Tauriel and the eagles killed Azog and Bolg, and now we're waiting for Smaug to appear."

"Is Bard going to engage the dragon?" Kili said with a burp.

"You pig," Danika snorted with a shake of her head, chuckling and offering Kili a napkin. "No, a sharper shot is standing at the wind lance."

"Sharper shot?" Kili accepted the napkin, wiping at the corners of his mouth.

"Legolas."

Kili guffawed, smacking the table as he laughed and bending over to clutch his ribs. "Okay, laughing isn't good for me right now."

* * *

><p><em>"Tell Me Where You've Been" Hotel Eden<em>

* * *

><p>Fili stood beside Thorin on the shoreline, flagon in hand and drinking his third ale, when the sun began to set. It was nearly time for the dragon to appear and he found himself bouncing on his heels with excitement. Well, <em>anxiety<em> and excitement. Dori had proven to be a genius, planning every one of their actions to the smallest detail and impressing upon the dwarves what an excellent mind the overlooked dwarf had. Glancing around, Fili realized that everyone else was aware of the time as well, gathering at the shore's edge and looking up into the sky expectantly.

He was nearly brushing shoulders with his brother, who had happily engorged himself to a fullness that relieved Fili. It secretly broke Fili's heart that he had to watch his brother die over and over again in these stories. Not once did the grief lose its potency, no matter how many times Fili was forced to grieve, though he did everything he could not to be overbearing about it, especially in the waiting room. He already had a reputation for being overprotective in the stories, but he knew it would be mortifying for Kili if he was hovering over him in the waiting room as well.

A small flare went up from the ruins of Dale, only slightly visible from where they stood, but it marked the coming of the dragon.

Fili couldn't help but clench his fists as the Great Worm slowly flew towards them, its wings catching the lingering light of day and reflecting that light back as they flapped. The closer he came was the more Fili's muscles tensed. _Oh, please let this work…_

The dragon unleashed a wave of fire from its mouth, spraying the water of the lake even before he had come close to Laketown, as though attempting to frighten its inhabitants. The inhabitants, Fili smiled maliciously, who had been evacuated a day ago.

Smaug's roar was powerful enough to shake the ground, but the cry that suddenly came from the beast's mouth became shrill and Fili had to cover his ears. As the screech died down, the dragon's body visibly dipped closer to the water and it became obvious that Legolas' black arrow had struck its mark perfectly.

When the dragon smacked into the water and submerged, it sent waves toward those along the shore, but a cry of victory erupted from the watchers, who only suffered a small spray from the lake.

They had done it. The dragon was dead! As if to confirm it, several pops and crackles accompanied flashes of light and Fili realized that Gandalf was setting off fireworks!

A cheer went up from the crowd!_ Smaug is dead! Smaug is dead! _Red, green, and yellow bursts of light exploded in the sky above them!

Caught up in their glee, Fili raised his arms in the air, roaring out at the dragon and daring him to return from the dead, arms shaking from the excited adrenaline.

Kili shook Danika by the shoulders, whooping and cheering. Fili caught the moment Danika and Kili's eyes met, laughing uproariously Kili suddenly mashed his mouth against hers, wrapping his arms around her shoulders. His lips muffled her squeak, but then she tucked her hands around his waist and the two of them were kissing and laughing all at the same time.


	14. Holiday

.

**I**

**HOW TO WRECK A MARY SUE**

_**Chapter 14 – Holiday**_

_._

* * *

><p>Kili pulled back from kissing Danika with an anxious expression as the crowd around them celebrated their victory over the death of the dragon.<p>

"No?" He asked, trying to read her eyes.

"Well," Her face scrunched in thought. "Not _no_, just…" Danika shrugged, "not as much as before. Maybe the moment passed."

In all honesty, Kili was relieved. The romantic tension between them had been a writer's prompt and had built up over time, but now that they'd conquered the story altogether and had freedom to do as they wished…

"I mean, I'm not saying I didn't enjoy it," She said with wide eyes, obviously concerned that she'd offended him.

"Danika, it's fine," Kili laughed, reassuring her with a pat on her shoulder. "I know what you meant. I care about you; it's just not romantic anymore."

"Phew!" Danika exhaled. "I'm just—it's just—I love you, definitely, I'm just not _in love_ with—"

"I understand. Stop worrying about it."

"M'kay," she said, biting her lip and scrutinizing his face. "You're not just saying that to make me feel better, are you?"

"Stop saying 'just'," Kili snickered. "Danika, I promised you a while back that I would _never_ lie to you. That includes now." He peered around them and realized that people were making their way back across the bridge and into the untouched Laketown. "It looks like they're heading back."

"Since Smaug didn't tear the place down," Danika finished for him, turning to Fili and raising a hand for a high five. The dwarf recognized what she was doing and clapped his hand against hers, brushing her cheek with a peck of a kiss before joining the throng of dwarves that were gathering together to talk.

"So… where are _we_ going?" Kili asked nervously with a wince. Hesitant to say it aloud, Kili didn't relish the idea of sleeping outside on the dirt in chilly weather.

Danika seemed to read his thoughts and looped her arm through Kili's. "We're the guests of honor, silly. The dragon-killers. They offered us the best rooms in the town."

He realized that she had linked arms with him partly to direct him across the bridge and partly to allow him to lean on her—and for this, he was incredibly grateful. They obviously cared about each other, there was no shame in admitting it, but Danika was still comfortable making contact with him just as she had done before. And, old dog that he was – or, at least,_ felt_ after so many stories—he was too tired for another love interest and was content enough being close to someone.

And Danika was obviously happy in accommodating this; there was nothing to be done that she didn't do herself—from helping Kili to his guest quarters, to fetching him hot tea, to making sure he had fluffy, winter blankets and a change of clothes ready for the next day. He sank into a dreamless sleep, the tea heating him to his bones and the comfort of the bed soothing the aches of his strained muscles.

Kili was surprised when he woke the next morning in the guest-room bed—he'd expected the story to end and to have reappeared in the waiting room once more—with the light of late morning pouring through his windows. He wasn't sure what Danika had been doing while he slept, but he could dimly recall the voices of dwarves and the shuffle of paper.

No sooner did he open his eyes than Danika walked into the room with a breakfast tray bearing steaming food.

"Do I smell something sweet?" He sniffed at the air, stretching before he sat up against a pillow.

"You do indeed," Danika smiled, placing the tray into his lap. "Cinnamon rolls, sausage, scrambled eggs, and strong tea."

Kili's eyes widened. "I could kiss Bombur."

With fists on her hips, Danika made an affronted noise. "Then your thanks would be misplaced."

"Did _you_ make all of this?"

"I did," She smiled even wider. "I _am_ good for something," She said with mock haughtiness, beaming with pride as he stuffed a sausage into his mouth and chewed. When Danika dipped to sit on the bed, the movement jostled Kili and he winced, a hand flying to his ribs. "Oh," She hissed through her teeth, "I'm sorry, I forgot about that. I couldn't heal it up until we were sure the poison was out of your system."

"Please, tell me it's been long enough," He pleaded, setting the tray to the side and lifting his tunic for her to look at the arrow wound. The skin made ridges around the gouge, an angry red and pink, and he hissed when she touched it. "Your fingers are cold." He mock-whimpered.

"Oh, suck it up," Danika rolled her eyes, smoothing the rough skin with her healing powers and washing away all discomfort. "There. Good as new."

"I'm sorry, are we interrupting something?" They heard from the other side of the room. Both of them turned their heads to see Fili and Bilbo standing in the doorway.

"No," Danika answered in unison with Kili, who shoved Danika's hands away and lowered his shirt.

"We came to check on you lovebirds to see what your plans were." Bilbo snickered as Fili came to sit on the bed beside Kili.

"Not lovebirds," The two answered in unison again.

"Still?" Bilbo frowned. "Why? Why not? I don't understand!"

"We know you ship us, but it's not gonna happen." Danika said with a shake of her head, causing Fili to laugh and look at Bilbo with an "I told you so" expression.

"But…" The hobbit looked horrified.

"Okay, out!" Danika pointed at the door. Bilbo hesitated and Kili smirked when Danika rose to her feet, shooing the hobbit out with her hands.

"But…!" He objected, resisting her hands on his shoulders as she ushered him out the door. "But you complete each other!" Bilbo shouted before Danika slammed the door shut.

Kili attempted to say something, but he was fighting Fili's fingers for the last remnants of his scrambled eggs and the cushion of food in his mouth garbled his words.

"You're such a pig," Danika snorted with a grin, going to a dresser in the room and bringing out pages of paper.

"I said: what _are_ our plans?"

"That's what we're deciding right now," She answered, laying the papers on his lap. "These are all the locations Thorin has picked out for you to go on holiday."

Kili looked at her in confusion and there was an awkward pause before his brother shook his head and spoke. "That was a terrible way of explaining it."

Danika rolled her eyes. "Pretty much, the gist of it is this: we don't know how long the story is going to last, but we've done something we think will prolong it and Thorin is offering you—and the rest of the company—and opportunity to go wherever you'd like for a few months with the security of a few guards and whatever supplies you need."

"A vacation?" Kili rolled the word around in his mouth, stunned. "My brain understands what you're saying, but my belief is having trouble catching up."

Both Fili and Danika laughed and helped to spread out the papers on the bed. They were maps. Maps of several locations in Middle-earth.

"Erebor, Rivendell, the Shire—" Kili read the names.

"—That's where Sigrid and I are going." Fili pointed at the map of the Shire.

"You and Sigrid." Danika raised an eyebrow.

"Yes," Fili blushed. "Me _and _Sigrid."

Kili wasn't really surprised. They were often paired together and had good chemistry. Why not?

"Pick a place and I'll take care of the rest." Danika pointed at the papers when Kili reached out to catch her hand.

"Why are you doing all of this?" He assumed the answer was pity and it frustrated him.

"Because you deserve a break," She answered, dancing dangerously close to his suspicions, "and because I don't know what will happen to me when the story ends, so I'm keeping busy."

Oh. That. He felt guilty for not having considered it before, but as an Original Character, there was no guarantee she'd be in another story, thus when the rest of them appeared in the waiting room… it was likely _she_ wouldn't.

"This is the job I've been given," she said with a shrug, but Kili could see that she was masking an upset response. "I'm going to do it the best I can until it ends."

Where before he would have objected to assistance from anyone—and resented her for her sympathy—now he understood that he was really assisting _her_ by allowing her to take care of him. He smiled, nodding slightly to himself and releasing her hand.

"But I know where you really want to go," She said with a grin, pulling up a paper Kili hadn't previously seen. "Beorn's house."

"I'm not going to kick the skin-changer out of his house." Kili snorted.

"You won't have to—he's already left." Fili said. "He decided it was too close to Mirkwood and he didn't want to endanger his animals. He's leaving for the shire, too. There's quite a few of us heading there. Bilbo, Dori, Bofur and Tauriel—"

"Wait," Kili thought he hadn't heard him right. "Bofur and Tauriel. As in… as in Bofur _and_ Tauriel?"

"Ugh!" Danika smacked her forehead. "I'm sorry, I forgot to tell you. Apparently, they're a thing… and they've been one for a while… long enough that they had a daughter, and… well, badda bing badda boom, they're my parents." She waved a hand dismissively. "Half elf, half dwarf…"

Kili's brow furrowed and his jaw dropped.

"I know, right?" Danika sneered. "And you thought crazy story elements weren't going to bother you anymore…"

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><p><strong>We are soooooooo not even done yet! Don't you worry- just one more chapter of fluff (I think Kili's earned it) before the next adventure starts... in OTHER WAYS TO WRECK A MARY SUE: REVENGE OF THE CROSSOVERS!<strong>


	15. Dun Dun DUNNNNNNNNN!

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**I**

**HOW TO WRECK A MARY SUE**

_** Chapter 15 – Dun Dun DUNNNN!**_

_The reason I hold on, it's 'cause I need this hole gone  
>Funny you're the broken one but I'm the only one who needed saving<br>'Cause when you never see the light it's hard to know which one of us is caving._

_Not really sure how to feel about it. Something in the way you move_  
><em>Makes me feel like I can't live without you. It takes me all the way.<em>  
><em>I want you to stay<em>

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><p><em>"Stay" A Girl and Her Guitar<em>

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><p>Kili brought his axe down on a piece of wood atop the old stump he used for a chopping block. The pile of firewood at his feet grew a little taller as time went on and he clapped his hands together, rubbing them for warmth, and looking out over the blanket of snow on the flat parts of the land. He was grateful for the fingerless gloves Danika had taken the time to knit, even if they were a bit uneven and frayed a little at the edges. Scooping up the load of firewood, he made his way back to the house, eyeing his repairs to the roof.<p>

Fixing up the wooden structure had been a bit of a chore, but it gave Kili something to do—repairing roof shingles, tending to the two ponies Beorn had left behind for them, hunting, and the various other things that needed to be done. Danika had poured herself into making the house a home with a cheerfulness Kili hadn't seen in her on their journey to Laketown, but in the back of his mind he knew it had something to do with her uncertainty about whether the story would continue and they would wake up in the same place the next morning or…

Pressing his boot against the front door, Kili opened it without having to put down his load of firewood and stepped inside.

"Done already?" He heard to his left and he turned his head to see Danika painting something on the wall.

"There wasn't that much," Kili answered, setting the wood in front of the fireplace and kneeling to stoke the fire that was already burning inside of it. "I'll have to head out tomorrow for more, though." He rose to his feet, swiveling on his heels and realizing Danika was standing with an open blanket, beckoning him forward.

This had been her greeting to him the past week when he returned to the house—a blanket, a cup of tea, her ushering him to the chair beside the fire, and an account of what she had done during the day. Impressed with her ingenuity, he was always interested in hearing what modern adaptation she had made for their circumstances, whether it was something as mundane as knitting a scarf or something as difficult as making pizza.

Kili didn't care what anyone else thought—there was something to be said about "domestic bliss". There were only two things he was uncertain of, only one of which he was brave enough to talk to his companion about.

"Are you happy here?" He asked Danika one evening over dinner.

"Very," She answered as she sipped at her stew. "Where did that come from?"

"I know that you come from a different world than this," Kili said, handling the water pitcher and filling her cup when he saw that it was empty. "From what I gathered in the modern AU stories, you might be feeling 'stuck' here. Nowhere to go, nothing important to do—"

Danika held a finger up. "Do me a favor and don't assume you know what I'm thinking," she said in a soft voice, fixing him with a stern expression. "I can speak for myself—I'm very happy here. I mean, it's Middle-earth! And not everyone gets a chance to enjoy the simple life like this. Just because I'm playing housewife, it doesn't mean I feel oppressed or limited. I love it here. With you." She smiled at him.

Kili nodded, cheeks hot with a deep blush. "Good. You don't mind looking after an old dog?"

"Old dog," Danika snickered. "I know you think of yourself that way, but_ I _don't." She rested a hand on his wrist. "My favorite thing in the whole wide world is watching you 'come home'. I know that whatever it is you've been doing all day, you're coming in from the cold to a warm and comfortable place." Patting his hand, she took his empty bowl and headed for the kitchen.

The second thing Kili was uncertain about was the way Danika made him feel in moments like those. He was touched by how genuinely she cared for him, but he was also nervous. So accustomed to writer's prompts telling him what to do or how to feel, Kili couldn't fathom which emotions to listen to. He had promised Danika that he would never lie to her and believed that the rule applied to this—how could they be certain the writer didn't still have a grip on them? And with the frustration of being paired against his will from other stories still fresh in Kili's mind, it was hard to distinguish between what he wanted and what he thought had been planted. Maybe that's why his first kiss to her had been so hesitant…

Despite this, he had no trouble saying "I love you" on a regular basis, either in the evenings before they slept or when he was heading out of the house. Danika reciprocated the sentiment easily, answering back without a moment's hesitation.

"Kili," Danika's voice brought him out of his thoughts, "I don't really want to be a bother, but the fireplace is doing that smoking thing again."

"Oh," He groaned, rubbing a hand over his face. "You can take my bed tonight, I'll sleep on the…" But his voice trailed off as he took in her scowl. They'd already had a conversation similar to this and Danika had aggressively refused to let him sleep without a source of heat. "Nevermind," He amended, not wanting to start a fight. "You're free to join me, if you want." The offer was genuine and he hoped she wouldn't get the wrong idea.

Danika nodded slowly, eyes showing she was concerned about _his_ comfort with the idea more than hers. "Thank you."

After cleaning up in the kitchen and preparing things for the next day, they both settled comfortably into Kili's bed. The enormous mattress had been big enough to accommodate five dwarves, having been originally built for the towering Beorn, and causing Kili to feel as though Danika was leagues away from him.

"Where'd you go?" He whispered teasingly, reaching out for her, fingers grazing her elbow.

"Didn't know if you liked your space or not," She murmured with a small huff of laughter, scooting closer to him.

"You've got to be freezing over there, I know I am."

Kili felt the half-breed draw closer to him, snuggling her head into his chest and letting him throw an arm carelessly around her shoulder. She yawned comfortably, burrowing further into his chest and murmuring a 'goodnight' as her limbs seemed to relax beside his warmth.

Pressing a lazy kiss into her forehead, the dwarf's mind began to buckle under the sensation of Danika's closeness and he uttered words he had said so many times before, but this time with fervor and affection.

"I love you."

She must have noticed the difference in his tone because she raised her head slowly to look into his face, eyes asking if it meant the same as before. Kili's mouth twitched with what he hoped was a reassuring smile, waiting on pins and needles for a response.

He could feel it through his shirt when Danika placed a scorching hand on his chest, pressing against it—and he thought she meant to push away from him, sighing as he waited for the words of rejection, but was surprised when her hand was used instead to push her upwards, a small set of pliant lips meeting his.

The kiss was soft and patient with a small exhale and a smile, expressing thankfulness and agreement all at once. Their next kiss was just like it, shared in the doorway of their little home the next morning as Kili was leaving to hunt. Danika's fingers were on the dwarf's collar and she was speaking to him, but he couldn't hear her past the thrumming in his head.

"Please, Kili," Danika repeated herself, "come back soon. I've got a strange feeling."

"Mmm," He pressed his forehead against hers and smiled. "So do I."

"Kili," She whispered seriously, startling him with the fearful expression on her face. "I feel like something bad is about to happen."

"Something bad_ is_ about happen," Kili murmured, seeking her lips again. "I'm about to head out into a cold forest for hours instead of staying in a warm house with a lovely woman." He was relieved when his humor brought a small smile to her lips, but it quickly faded and Kili found himself frowning. "I'll be back as quick as I can. Just keep that fire going; I'll be chilled to the bone when I see you again."

"You're the loon that wants to go out in this," Danika snickered, waving a hand at the snow. "If you hurry, maybe I'll heat up a bath."

"Mmm," He moaned, wrapping his arms around her shoulders, reverting to non-word responses. "Maybe you'll join me?"

Seeing the flash of hesitation in her face, Kili shook his head, murmuring, "Sorry, I—"

"Maybe," She answered quickly, cutting off his apology with another kiss before pushing him away with her hands on his shoulders. "The sooner you leave is the sooner you come back."

That train of thought followed him as he made his way through the forest. He felt uneasy, walking into the trees, and couldn't shake the feeling of something terrible looming over him, just as Danika had said earlier. He wondered if it was a writer's prompt, but Kili wasn't certain if those even applied anymore.

"Old dog, old habits," He whispered to himself, keeping his mind focused on tracking his prey.

But the sensation lingered in his head and he couldn't fight it anymore, hauling the bag with a single goose in it over his shoulder and making for the house at a trot. Stomping his feet on the mat outside, Kili pressed against the door and let the bag slide from his shoulders as he stepped inside.

The first thing he noticed was that it was dark and cold, causing the dwarf to become alert.

Cold. It was _never_ cold when he came home, nor was it ever dark. They'd gone through their fair share of candles, but Danika always insisted on keeping things bright in the house.

"Danika?" He turned his head from side to side, slowly stepping further in. He could see the stable through the window from where he stood and her pony was still there.

Something beneath his foot made a crinkle noise and he looked down, dropping to his knees to scan the object. "Candy wrapper?" His brow wrinkled. He read the letters on the label. "Chocolate frog…" Kili's eyes went wide. "I know what this is! Where have I seen it…?" He stood and paced the floor, wracking his brain.

His eyes went wide. "Hogwarts…"

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><p><strong>Get ready for installment #2- OTHER WAYS TO WRECK A MARY SUE: REVENGE OF THE CROSSOVERS! The story is still very open to prompts, so if you have an idea, leave it in a review or as a PM and I'll see if I can implement it ;)<strong>


	16. For Lack of Light and Warmth

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**II**

**OTHER WAYS TO WRECK A MARY SUE**

**-Revenge of the Crossovers-**

_**Chapter 1 -For Lack of Light and Warmth**_

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><p><em>Listen to "My Body is a Cage" Peter Gabriel<em>

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><p>Fili could feel it deep in his bones as he walked onto his brother's property: Something was wrong. The snow had not been cleared from the pathway to the house—Danika would never have been so careless, so attentive was she to detail. And several of the lanterns had been blown down by wind—Kili would have repaired the damaged lights along the fence-line immediately, but judging from the amount of snow on them, they'd sat for many days without being touched.<p>

Gripping Sigrid's hand firmly, Fili pulled her closer and scanned the area with a scowl.

"Fili?" She whispered beside him, sensing his alertness. "You're scaring me—what's wrong?"

"I don't know," He muttered, walking slowly along the path. "Just stay close."

Sigrid pressed firmly to his side and he wrapped an arm around her, eyes catching something red on the step of the doorpost.

_Don't let that be blood…_ Fili prayed, bending over to touch it. The dot of red didn't smear or flake, but proved itself to be paint, for which the dwarf was incredibly relieved.

"Kili?" He called, rising and cautiously opening the front door. Hearing no reply and letting his eyes adjust to the darkness of the unlit house, Fili's nerves rattled with adrenaline, debating on whether or not to keep Sigrid close or have her return to the wagon. But she fixed him with a fearful stare, guessing at his thoughts and pleaded silently not to be sent away from him.

"Kili?" Fili called again a little louder, stepping further into the house and grimacing at the staleness of the air.

"Fili, there." Sigrid whispered, pointing toward the fireplace.

His eyes caught no movement in the presumably empty house, but now that he squinted, he could see a dark outline resting awkwardly against the armchair beside the fireplace.

"Kili?" Fili whispered in a haunted voice as he drew closer. _Oh, please, don't let him be dead_, Fili prayed to the same powers that had answered his previous plea, hesitant to step close enough to tell—but Sigrid, bless her, was already kneeling beside the arm of the chair and pressed a hand to the dark dwarf's cheek.

"He's breathing," She sighed, allowing Fili to exhale. "But his skin is freezing."

Fili's mind was already forming a strategy and list of priorities. _Warm Kili. Secure the house. Scan the area and check with the guards on duty. Send a message to Thorin. _

"Sigrid, can you—"

"I can take care of him; do what you need to do." She nodded, already working over the wood in the fireplace. A surge of pride ran through the dwarf's chest, knowing he could depend on the beautiful woman who had automatically assumed care for his brother. Without question, she was already helping him to get control of the situation.

Bringing himself back to his objectives, Fili made a pass through the house, determining it to be safe before he stepped toward the front door. His senses alerted him to a presence on the other side of the door and he gripped the handle of his sword, muscles coiling in preparation to lunge forward. Jumping out and lining his blade with the throat of the newcomer, Fili took a breath as the dwarf before him let out a nervous laugh.

"Happy to see me, then?" Bofur stepped backward.

"Bofur," Fili breathed, sheathing his sword. "Something's happened. Where are the rest of you?"

"They're coming, just a little farther behind," Bofur's smile faded. "What's going on?"

"Kili's inside and I can't find Danika. There might have been an attack, but I don't see signs of a struggle…"

Enlisting Bofur's help, the two dwarves searched the area and addressed the head guard on patrol, surprised when the elf reported nothing out of the ordinary.

"You're sure?" Fili scrutinized him.

"There are more than enough of us to surround the perimeter—if something tried to slip past us, day or night, we would have seen or heard it." The elf defended firmly. Fili resisted the urge to argue and told the guard to spread the word that Danika was missing.

Returning to the house with Bofur, Fili felt a little more at ease in seeing Kili upright—though visibly drooping— in his chair with a blanket tossed over his shoulders, staring vacantly into the fire.

"Kili," Fili grinned with relief, coming to kneel in front of his brother. Kili made no effort to turn his face away from the flames.

"He hasn't said a word," Sigrid murmured from the kitchen, bringing a steaming mug of tea and bending over the arm of the chair to offer it to Kili. But the despaired dwarf shook his head, his limp hands resting in his lap.

Fili took the mug from Sigrid's hands, thanking her before she returned to the kitchen, and set the tea down on the low table beside the chair. "Kili, tell me what happened."

"Why are you here?" Kili murmured in a low voice, finally turning his head in irritation.

"You invited us for Christmas, remember?" Fili scooted so that he knelt closer, resting a hand on the dwarf's knee and scanning Kili's cloudy eyes. "Christmas. Danika told all of us to come."

"Christmas…" Kili repeated absently, resuming his gaze into the fireplace. "They celebrate Christmas, don't they?"

"Who does?" Fili asked.

"Those bloody wizards." He answered flatly.

Fili turned his head to look at Bofur, who stood behind them with a puzzled expression.

"This stew went bad a few days ago," Sigrid commented from the kitchen, pointing at a pot. "And I hesitate to call it stew—it's barely cooked."

"I can tell you right now, that lad's had nothing to eat but smoke and liqueur." Bofur wrinkled his nose, picking up Kili's dirty pipe from the floor and tapping it on the mantle of the fireplace.

"Where's Danika?" Fili asked insistently as he turned back to his brother. The dwarf winced, but made no other reply.

"Looks to me like she left." Bofur said quietly. "There's no sign of struggle here and he's obviously not dug a grave outside. Why else would he be drunk and smoking his brains out?"

"Bofur!" Sigrid scolded. "Danika wouldn't do that to him."

"She left," Kili parroted Bofur's words. "At least... it looks like she did. I must have scared her off and now she's run to another story…"

"Kili," Sigrid stepped out of the kitchen and stood beside the chair. "Danika loved you and would never abandon you."

Fili watched as his brother seemed to be considering the young woman's words, staring as Sigrid took one of his hands in both of hers. Something flashed in his eyes, as though the touch caused him to remember something.

"We visited you last month," Sigrid prompted, "I saw how she would welcome you home in those days—the first thing she would do was make sure you were warm and comfortable—she did that often, didn't she?"

"Every day," Kili answered with a shiver, wetness appearing in his eyes. "She never forgot… not even a single day." A tear rolled down the dwarf's cheek and he seemed to struggle with where to focus his eyes.

"So, why would she go elsewhere when she was so happy here?"

Squinting his eyes and pressing a tear away from them, Kili broke Fili's heart with the weight of his sad and confused expression. "I don't know."

Fili picked up the still-hot mug of tea from the floor and pressed it into Kili's frigid hands, startled by their chill but enveloping the younger dwarf's hands with his and forcing heat into the frozen skin.

"We're going to find her and bring her back." Fili said firmly, hoping beyond hope that his reassurances would reach his brother's ears. Kili finally looked at him, nodding weakly, and Fili understood why his brother refused to lock eyes with anyone—they were full of desperation and fear that brought out the deepest pangs of pity in Fili, inciting the ferocious desire to shield the shattered dwarf from hurt.

"I let my guard down," Kili whispered to Fili, jaw clenching and tears falling freely. "And now I'm paying for it. Had to endure through some of those stories when all they wanted was my blood. Had to bunker down and not let the cold and dark get to me, had to be stronger than that. And then _she_ came. She was light and warmth, and I let her in because I needed it. Oh, Fili, I needed it so badly," Kili ducked his head, resting his forehead against his fist. "And I let my guard down. Maybe she left or maybe she needs rescuing, but I don't even know how to find her. All I know is that it's cold and dark again and I'm not strong enough to withstand it. Not without her."

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><p><strong>Crying yet? Don't worry, laughs about to come!<strong>


	17. Candy Wrappers and Socks

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**II**

**OTHER WAYS TO WRECK A MARY SUE**

_**Chapter 2—Candy Wrappers and Socks**_

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><p>Kili's dining table was surrounded by twelve dwarves, an elf, a hobbit, a human, and a wizard. It sounded like the beginning of a bad joke to Kili and it also reminded him of their gatherings at Bilbo's home in the Shire.<p>

He only half paid attention to the conversation going on around him—they were analyzing the candy wrapper he'd found and discussing the possibilities of what had happened—and the other half of his mind was trying to recall the incidents of the last week. Those memories were extremely hazy, blurred by the drink he'd resorted to, but he could remember that the first mug of ale he'd had after finding Danika gone had been to keep him warm. The one following it dulled the pain of Danika's absence, but when sobriety struck the next morning, his loneliness came with it, heavier than before. And there had only been one solution to that problem—more ale.

"Kili," He felt his brother's hand on his shoulder, bringing him out of his thoughts. "Are you listening?" Kili shook his head and Fili spoke. "Gandalf is saying that there is a way between the stories—a way to 'forge' crossovers. Someone came from another story and took Danika back with them."

This made Kili's ears perk up. "So, she didn't _join_ another story? She was _taken_?"

"There's no doubt in my mind," The wizard clasped his hands together on the table. "She couldn't have initiated the crossover. She was coerced into leaving, otherwise she wouldn't have left us a note."

"Note?" Kili's eyes widened. "What note? I searched the house—"

"I suspect she was being watched while she made it and left peaceably with them," Gandalf said as he rose from his chair, moving to the wall beside the fireplace. He waved his arm at the mural Danika had been painting, but Kili could not see what the wizard was referring to.

The painting was a black and white sketch-style outline of a woman's face with a masquerade face-piece over the bridge of her nose and the top of her forehead. As Kili went to stand beside Gandalf to scan the art, he felt a pang of guilt. Danika had been so excited about the paints Kili made for her and even more excited when the dwarf asked her to decorate their home however she chose. He remembered her saying that she'd almost finished with the mural—happy enough with black and white, but ecstatic when he'd surprised her with a small pot of red paint.

"I don't see it. What note are you talking about?" He murmured in frustration, crossing his arms. Gandalf pointed down and Kili could finally see a smudge near the bottom of the wall. A cluster of cherries dripped with red, one of the streaks falling all the way to the floor… and written in delicately small letters, almost the same color as the floorboards, was a name.

"Neville?" Kili whispered, kneeling to touch the painted letters, as if assuring himself they were real. He shot back up and looked the wizard in the face. "Neville! Neville Longbottom from Harry Potter, that's got to be it!"

Where gravity had been tormenting his heavy body before, now Kili felt life returning to his arms and legs. "How do we do it, Gandalf—How do we follow them?"

Gandalf raised a hand to hush the dwarf. "We need to think this through, first. If not done properly, there could be consequences."

"Forget the consequences!" Kili shouted. In reality, he had not used the word "forget", but another "f" word entirely. "I've been an effing idiot and wallowing when I should have been following after her!"

"Kili, please," He felt a soft hand on his shoulder and turned to see Sigrid's calming eyes. "No one's trying to stop you." She turned to Gandalf. "You _do_ know how to travel between stories, don't you?"

"Yes," Gandalf nodded. He glanced at the dwarves who were still at the table. "But I do not think it would be wise for _all_ of us to come. This is Kili's quest," He said with a smirk, "Let him decide the members of his own company."

Kili hoped the groans from the dwarves were because of the bad joke and not fear of being picked for his "quest".

"Mithrandir, I'd like for you to come," Kili stated the obvious, walking to the table where the other dwarves sat. "And… Uncle, if you don't mind—"

"Of course I don't mind," Thorin snorted with a faint smile.

Kili locked eyes with his brother and Fili nodded, no words necessary for the two to agree.

"But I'd like you to take the burglar as well." Thorin added. "He's the only one that can safely wield the Ring."

"Which you still have, by the way." Bilbo held out a twitching hand. Thorin removed a chain from around his neck and dropped it into the hobbit's palm.

So _that's_ how they'd prolonged the story, Kili realized. The One Ring in Thorin's possession was a dangerous game—fiction or not—but it caused enough questions that the story could not end suddenly.

"How do we do this?" Fili asked, repeating Kili's earlier query.

Gandalf rested himself into a chair at the table, drawing in a slow breath and preparing for what Kili guessed was a long explanation. "We need to have an object belonging to the fiction we are travelling to—something very specific to that universe. We also need to bring something with us that represents where we've come from, in order to get back. All members involved will need to touch the object while speaking a phrase from the universe the object belongs to."

Kili was trying to dissect this information when Bilbo spoke, forehead wrinkled and hand resting on the table. "Let me see if I understand—we're leaving bread-crumbs and taking breadcrumbs?"

"Well, I wouldn't have said it so concisely as that, but yes," The wizard tipped his hat to the hobbit.

"So we say a quote while we touch the wrapper," Kili nodded his head. "And it will take us to the Harry Potter universe."

"Yes."

"Any quote?" Kili was having trouble remembering anything from his time in those crossovers…

"Like, 'I solemnly swear I am up to no good'?" Ori piped up—

—and promptly disappeared!

"Oh, Ori," Dori smacked his hand against his forehead. "He was holding the wrapper."

While he never would have admitted it out loud, Kili felt a bit guilty that he was more concerned with losing the wrapper than Ori. "What do we do now?"

For the first time since Kili had known the wizard, Gandalf slunk back into his chair and shook his head with a deadpanned expression. They looked around at each other, too shocked to say a single word.

_What do we do now?_ Kili repeated in his head.

"You said there was a way to 'forge' crossovers," Kili said urgently. "How do we do that?"

"It takes a great amount of power—something_ I_ do not have in abundance." Gandalf muttered quietly.

Just as Kili opened his mouth to say something else, there was a flash of light and Ori reappeared.

"Hello, there," A small voice came from behind him, and Kili suddenly saw that a small, blonde-haired girl was standing close to the shocked dwarf with her hand on his shoulder. "I think this is yours."

"Luna?" Thorin stood from his seat with wide eyes. "Luna Lovegood?"

"Hello, Thorin," She nodded with a wink, as if it were a perfectly normal thing that she should be there. "I had a little chat with poor Ori, here, and it seems as though he got a bit lost."

"I'm sorry, Kili," Ori whimpered, tossing the wrapper onto the table—which Kili immediately swiped and held onto as though his life depended on it... which, it did. "I didn't mean to—it was an accident—I was trying to—"

"There, there, now," Luna patted the dwarf's shoulder. "I'm sure your friend will—"

Another flash and they were joined by another person, appearing beside Gandalf—this time it was a young man with dark hair and precarious front teeth. "Luna, what do you think you're..."

"Neville," Kili growled, stomping over to the lad and reaching out a strong hand to grip Neville's collar. "Neville Longbottom."

"You all have such strange names." Bilbo shook his head.

"Says the hobbit called Bilbo Baggins." Luna snickered, tossing her blonde hair back and completely ignoring the rough manner with which Neville was being handled.

"Tell me what you've done with her!" Kili shouted in the face of a cowering Neville, who raised his hands in surrender. "Why did you take Danika?"

"He made me do it," said the nervous boy with a glance at Luna, as though she might come to his rescue, but the girl continued to stand beside Ori and watch them with interest. "I didn't want to, but he possessed me and made me come here. It was like I was sleep-walking…. I remember, she was talking to me." Neville's eyes watered as he looked up at the dwarf, begging for forgiveness. "I think she knew—knew it wasn't me, that is. She told me everything was going to be alright, even when I made her come with me. As soon as I got back to my own story, someone with a red hat came and took her from me. I don't remember what happened after that."

"Who made you do it?" Kili growled, shaking the frightened boy.

"_Him_." Neville whispered fearfully. "You know… _he who shall not be named_."

Kili released his grip on Neville's collar and took a step back, more pensive than afraid. "Why would Voldemort want—"

"Shhh!" Neville hissed, holding his hands over his ears.

"We're not in that universe anymore," Luna cocked her head at him. "It wouldn't matter if you said it here."

Neville rolled his eyes, dropping his hands in embarrassment and righting himself. "He said something about a favor, but I didn't understand what he meant."

"You heard him speaking?" Thorin asked from the other side of the table.

"You know how villains are," Neville said with a sigh, bringing up his hand to open and close it like a mouth. "They like to whisper and carry on as though everyone knows what they're talking about."

"A favor?" Kili pressed a hand to his temple. "What does that mean? A favor to who?"

"It was a favor to a dark power, I know that much," Neville said, rubbing the back of his neck. "I just assumed he was blathering on about something in our universe… but now I'm starting to think he meant—"

"Sauron," Gandalf said with a heavy weight in his voice and everyone turned to face him. Kili's heart dropped when he started putting together the pieces of the puzzle and the wizard spoke on. "We took away his army of orcs, we rid the misty mountains of goblins, we struck down Azog and Bolg… but as long as the ring exists, he still has power enough to summon other servants," He looked Kili in the eye, "or _allies_."

Bilbo groaned. "This is getting out of hand, what are we supposed to do now?"

"We follow the trail," Gandalf said simply. "If Sauron wanted her killed, he wouldn't have gone to the trouble of capturing her." The wizard's gaze had not broken from Kili. "He means to draw us after him."

Kili nodded, realizing that there was now more at stake than just returning Danika to their story. Sauron wanted a climactic ending.

"Then we do as he wishes, for the moment," Kili's jaw tensed. He looked at each of the faces he had asked to come with him. "Are we ready to leave now?"

They all nodded in unison and Luna came to stand beside Neville, catching his hand in hers and reaching out to touch the candy wrapper as the rest of them leaned forward to do the same.

Kili realized they were all expecting him to speak, but his mind was bursting from all that he'd learned. He winced and shook his head, hair falling into his down-turned face as he struggled to think, but then felt the small hand of Luna on his arm. Her face was soft and sympathetic, smiling at him in encouragement.

"Could you…?" Kili's voice was gravelly and she nodded, her soft voice uttering the words that enveloped them in a flash of light.

"_That's a curious thing to keep in your sock_."

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><p><strong>We're off to Hogwarts! As always, if you have a suggestion for the story, don't hesitate to leave it in a review or PM! And thank you to Booksnake for your prompts for this chapter :)<strong>


	18. Snogging

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**II**

**OTHER**** WAYS TO WRECK A MARY SUE**

_**Chapter 3 – Snogging**_

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><p>"<em>Madness" Muse<em>

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><p>Kili felt a sickening tug at his innards before he was blinded by a flashing light- he wanted to throw up his arms to shield his eyes, but they were stuck in place and he was struggling to breathe. While the moment passed quickly, he was terrified to realize this was the sensation of transporting between worlds. In an attempt to ignore his nausea, Kili twitched his finally-working fingers and looked at their new surroundings.<p>

Stone walls, stone ceiling, and a strange column in the middle of the room with rounded walls. It slowly dawned on Kili that they were standing in the abandoned first-floor girls' bathroom—but why, he couldn't put his finger on.

Thorin, Bilbo, and Fili stood closeby while Gandalf was already taking a step away from them with Luna and Neville. Fili looked the most confused and Kili had a sneaking suspicion of why.

"You've never been in a Harry Potter fan fiction, have you?" Kili raised an eyebrow and grinned at his brother.

"Not that I can recall," Fili answered with an upturned lip in disgust. Even someone who hadn't been to Hogwarts could take a good guess at the room they were standing in.

Shaking his head, Kili turned to Neville. "All right, then, show us where you took her."

"Took her?" Neville glanced at Luna, who seemed content to be standing extremely close to a smug-looking Thorin. "Oh! You didn't mean _her_," he pointed at the blonde girl who winked at Kili's uncle, "Sorry, I—nevermind."

Kili's brow furrowed. "Eh?"

"They've been snogging." Fili muttered with a snort. Everyone turned to look at him. "What? I don't have to know anything about you to see why we're in _here_."

"I think someone's here." They heard a whisper from the third stall behind Thorin.

"Great deduction, genius." A door swung open.

"Hermione?" Thorin said with a wry smile and a slight lick of his lips.

"Thorin." Hermione nodded at him as she leaned around the corner of the stall with an equally amorous smile.

"_Thorin_?" Ron's head appeared, eyes widening as he looked back at Hermione, suddenly understanding that something had happened between the two. He was clearly intimidated by the thought that he was competing with Thorin.

"_Hermione_?" Luna's hands went to her hips and she took on a very uncharacteristic scowl, turning to Thorin and shoving his shoulder.

"Thorin?" Neville moaned into his hands, eyes misting as he looked at Luna. He obviously couldn't compete, either.

"Luna?" Hermione growled jealously at Thorin.

"Thorin!" Ron reminded her, waving a hand at the majestic dwarf.

"Ron?" They all heard from the second stall, followed by the door opening and Harry Potter's head popping out. "Hermione?"

"Harry," She nodded tersely, acknowledging him before turning her head back to the dwarves and crossing her arms.

"Thorin?" Harry looked at the dwarf.

"Thorin?" They heard from behind Harry. Out came the head of a ginger. "Thorin!"

"Ginny." Thorin smiled sweetly.

"Thorin!" Luna and Hermione shouted angrily together.

"Fili," Kili's brother added helpfully, raising his hand to indicate that he was the dwarf that the name belonged to. "And this is Bilbo." He clapped his hand on the hobbit's shoulder—but Bilbo looked as though he didn't want anything to do with it.

Kili was biting his lip and clamping his eyes shut, waiting for the awkward moment to pass before he spoke again. "Great, now that we all know who was paired with who, can we get on with this?"

"Yes, let's," Ron was pulling at Hermione's shoulder, but she was busy throwing eye-daggers at Thorin.

Gandalf looked exceptionally uncomfortable and made for the door with Fili following close behind.

"Does that mean no one's here for me?" They all turned their heads toward the ceiling, where Moaning Myrtle floated. No one said a word, but the group from Middle-earth quickly shuffled toward the door and slammed it shut.

"Unbelievable," Fili said with a shake of his head. "Are there _any_ stories that aren't about smut?"

"Quite a few," said an old voice from behind them. "But even the best of adventures don't always get many reviews or favorites."

"Dumbledore." Gandalf breathed in relief, reaching out to shake the wizard's hand.

"I don't understand," Bilbo cocked his head to the side. "Why wouldn't the good adventure stories get many reviews?"

"Because most people don't read fan fiction- they don't think it will be any good." Dumbledore said with a shrug. "They think the only stories worth reading are the ones you can buy in a store. But I think," He said, leaning down to be level with Bilbo, "the best stories are the ones that haven't been written yet."

Kili rolled his eyes. Did _all_ wizards enjoy speaking in riddles? "We're not really here to discuss fictions."

"Oh, but I think you are." Dumbledore countered. "I think someone has been tampering with them—more so than usual." Turning to Luna, Dumbledore whispered something in her ear and she responded with a nod, turning to leave. "Mr. Longbottom, I believe, knows who stole your friend."

"The dark lord," Gandalf said, gripping his staff. "We suspect that Sauron might be trying to join forces with… _others_."

The headmaster shook his head. "We have to follow the trail to find where they are gathering, but that means we need to find the servant first."

Kili looked at Neville and then back to Dumbledore. "_He_ said that it was a man with a red hat, but that seems to be our only clue."

"And not much to go by," Fili grumbled. Neville drooped with guilt, glancing unhappily at the dwarves and wizards.

"Are you sure it wasn't a red fez?" Dumbledore asked with a knowing smile.

"A fez?" Neville's head shot up. "Yes! Yes, it was a fez! How did you know—?"

"Like that one?" The old man pointed at a decorative deer-head, mounted on the wall… with a curious looking red hat perched on its brow.

"Yes!" Neville practically jumped with excitement. "That's the one… but what's it doing up there?"

With a word and a pointing of his wand, Dumbledore brought the fez closer and examined it. "This is not from our universe." He uttered, handing the hat to Kili, who tentatively took it. "Someone is leaving us clues..."

A fez? And another universe? What was going on?

Kili glanced up just in time to see Dumbledore and Gandalf sharing a look that said they had suspicions of what this might mean. Kili was stumped. It seemed the more clues he found was the more confused he was getting. But Fili sensed his brother's frustration and reached out a hand to his shoulder.

"We're going to figure this out." Fili comforted. "We're going to find her and bring her back."

Remembering Sigrid's reassurances, Kili recognized that these were borrowed words and understood that Fili was just as confused.

"Thorin," Kili handed him the hat in a pleading voice. "I don't understand."

Rolling the fez around in his large hands, Thorin's brows knit together in thought. "Gandalf, who does this belong to?"

"Who, indeed," Gandalf laughed, drawing a snicker from Dumbledore.

"He means Dr. Who." Bilbo said with a roll of his eyes. Kili and Fili turned in confusion to him. "Are you telling me you haven't been in a Whoniverse fiction?" They shook their heads. "You're certainly in for a treat."

"Does this mean we're leaving?" Thorin asked with a raised brow. "That didn't leave Fili with the best impression of Harry Potter."

"I'm certain you'll have a chance to see it better when you get back." Gandalf laughed.

Kili frowned at the grey pilgrim. "The way you said that—you're not coming with us, are you?"

"I'm afraid I will have to stay here," Gandalf said, apologetically. "But you understand well enough how this works, I'm sure you'll do just as well without me."

"How can you… Gandalf, why? I'm confused enough as it is, why are you making this harder?" Kili said, rubbing his temple and biting back at the overwhelming chaos in his head.

"I understand, my lad," The wizard laid a large hand the dwarf's shoulder. "I cannot tell you why I have to stay, not yet. I wish I could, but this work that you've begun is bigger than you realize and it's imperative that you keep going—this isn't just about rescuing a companion anymore. The fate of the fiction world is at stake."

Thorin grumbled something about the obscurity of wizards, but Gandalf ignored him. "Trust me, Kili. I promise you that all will come to light—there _will_ be answers. But the less you know is a safeguard against the villains in the shadows."

Kili hated that Gandalf was making them press on without him.

He hated that he didn't understand what was going on.

He hated that he had to wait for an explanation.

But most of all, he hated that Danika didn't seem to be the main goal anymore, at least not for Gandalf. She still was for Kili, though.

"How do we proceed?" Thorin asked, handing the fez to Bilbo.

"You have something of the world you are travelling to," Gandalf nodded at the fez. "And now you need something from this world to take with you."

"And I have just the thing," Dumbledore smiled. From around his neck, he pulled the Time-Turner necklace. "For a similarity between worlds."

Kili blew out a breath and clenched his fists. "Bilbo? I've never been to the next world, do you know any quotes—?"

"You leave that to me," Bilbo said with a wink.

Kili, Fili, and Thorin reached out to touch the Time-Turner as Bilbo looped it around his neck. "Are we ready?"

Everyone nodded.

"Alon—sy!"


	19. More Confusion

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**II**

**OTHER WAYS TO WRECK A MARY SUE**

_**Chapter 4 – More Confusion**_

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><p>"<em>Radioactive" Dual Sessions (Vintage Chic 100) –or— Imagine Dragons<em>

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><p>Danika had the strange sensation that she was floating. Was she in a boat? She couldn't tell; it was pitch-black. Pressing her hands against the floor, she could feel the texture of aged wooden planks, aligned tightly at the seams… but Danika could see a bit of light through the knot holes and wondered why a light source would be below her instead of above her. Maybe she had lost her sense of direction. Maybe she was dizzy. Maybe—<p>

"Hello?" She called out. A part of her was afraid and didn't want to call attention to herself, for fear of what her captors might do, but a deeper instinct said she was going to have to face them sooner or later.

No answer came and she tried to stand, but the ground beneath her shook and she stumbled back to the floor with a grunt. The feeling of floating felt all the more real and Danika hoped very much that she wasn't trapped inside of a box that was resting on water. There was a strange, airy, whistling sound…

"Hello, there!" Danika called out again, reaching out a hand where she supposed a wall was and felt iron bars. A cage. She was in a cage. But what was beyond the bars that was stopping the light from coming in? And if it were a cage, then how was it balancing on water?

Reaching past the bars, her fingers brushed against a thick fabric. Curiosity got the better of Danika and she found herself tugging at the fabric, wondering if she could pull it down to get a better look at her surroundings.

The fabric gave way a little and she could feel that it was resting over the top of the cage. With a stronger pull, the fabric began to slide down until its own weight and gravity did the work for her. Having gone from darkness to bright light so suddenly, Danika was blinded and clenched her eyes shut, holding her hands over her face.

When her sensitivity to the light eased, she opened her eyes and stopped breathing.

Daylight was at her back and shadowy darkness loomed in front of her- she could see blue sky and wandering clouds to the side, though the direction she was facing showed the mouth of a cave about fifteen feet from where her prison hung. She realized with horror she was sitting in a cage dangling over an abyss so deep that the mist covering the ground made it seem endless. A glance upward revealed that the cage was held in place by a rusted hook. The ceiling of the cave reached out further than the floor so that the gap between her and solid ground would have been too difficult to jump despite the fact that her bars were spaced wide enough for her pass through them.

"Not water, I'm hanging in the air," she whispered frantically to herself. There was movement on the flat ground across the gap from where she hung and Danika realized she was not alone.

"Where am I?" She shouted at the person she suddenly recognized as an orc. What else could be so ugly? "What do you want?"

The orc was sitting on a large stone, bent over something he was eating, and turned his head to glance at her, but refused to answer.

"What do you want?" She repeated, trying to suppress the desperate fear clamping down on her heart and restricting her breath.

Again, the orc made no answer, but snickered and resumed picking at the food in his hand. Danika realized it was a bone and gulped. She slunk back to the center of the cage, knowing there would be a better chance of her causing it to fall if she was constantly moving around in it.

"Oh, Kili," she whimpered, bending her knees and taking her face in her hands. "Where are you?"

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><p>"<em>Occupy Your Mind" The Villagers<em>

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><p>"Bilbo, where are we?" Fili asked after the sickening sensation of transport had eased.<p>

They were inside an oddly-lit room, circles and beams littering the walls while a pillar of technological contraptions rested in the center.

"Who are _you_?" The wide eyes of a man in a striped suit darted from Kili to Thorin and then from Bilbo to Fili.

"That's him!" Neville suddenly brushed past Kili. While Fili was surprised to see Neville among them—they hadn't brought him with, had they?—the confirmation the boy gave as he pointed at the man in the striped suit was enough to make Fili pass over it.

"At first I thought it was someone from our world, but that is most definitely him." Neville said as though he were out of breath.

Kili unsheathed his sword, stepping closer to the man and pressing the blade against the chest of his suit. "Either you have a doppelganger, sir," Kili pressed the point of the sword a little harder, "or you are to blame for the disappearance of a young, blonde lass."

With a roll of his eyes, Fili came to stand beside his uncle, knowing that Kili's tactic of interrogation wasn't exactly subtle.

"Excuse me?" The man held up his hands, his pointed hair a perfect pairing to the surprised expression on his face. "Are you talking about Rose?"

"Rose Tyler?" Bilbo stepped forward. "Has something happened to her, too?"

Fili could see that Kili was beginning to get aggravated and snorted. At least, now his brother understood why he'd been so disgruntled in the Harry Potter Universe. They were in new territory and Bilbo was busy fraternizing with what Kili understood to be the enemy. The hobbit was motioning for Kili to lower his sword, which the dwarf complied with reluctantly.

"I left her with a copy of myself in the alternate universe after Bad Wolf Bay. I can't communicate with her, but for some reason the Tardis has been picking up a signal and giving me a visual of her. It shouldn't be able to do that."

Fili had no idea what the man was going on about and looked at Bilbo in frustration, hoping the hobbit would fill them in.

"Kili," Bilbo stepped beside the dark-haired dwarf and waved a hand at the man. "This is the Doctor. And we're in a space-ship."

"This," Thorin sneered, looking up at the ceiling, "is a space ship?"

"Please," Bilbo begged, glancing quickly at Thorin, "Don't get him started."

"What's wrong with the Tardis?" The Doctor looked incredulous. "She's sexy!"

"Getting back to the matter at hand," Bilbo cleared his throat loudly. "We've got a missing companion, too, and we found evidence and a witness who says it was you."

"Really now?" The Doctor shoved his hands into his pockets and nodded. "That's interesting—where's this evidence?"

Handling the red fez, Neville held it up to show the Doctor, but when he reached out to take it from the boy, Kili pulled it out of his hands. "We'll need that in case we go to another fan fiction."

"Well, it's not mine." The Doctor shook his head.

"What do you mean 'it's not yours'?" Fili put his hands on his hips.

"I can't believe this," Bilbo whispered, smacking his head. "This is all wrong." He crossed his arms and tapped his foot. "You're not supposed to be the Tenth Doctor, the fez belongs to Eleven!"

"Bilbo, you know we have no idea what you're talking about." Thorin grumbled.

"Sorry," Bilbo took in a steady breath. "The Doctor is an alien—"

"_You're_ the alien!" The Tenth Doctor interrupted.

"—and whenever he dies, he regenerates—he, er, resurrects into someone different. That hat," He pointed at the fez, "belongs to the man _this_ man will turn into the next time he dies."

Though Fili did his best to follow Bilbo's tale, he felt queasy with confusion and had to sit down on the floor to catch his bearings. Thorin looked down at him and patted his head, a reassuring gesture that Fili would rather his uncle hadn't done as it made his head hurt worse.

Kili blew out a breath and closed his eyes. "Bilbo, I'm trying not to lose my temper, here, but I have no idea what's going on and I need to you to answer my next question as honestly and concisely as you can. Is this man a villain?"

"No!" Bilbo smirked, shaking his head. "I can assure you, the Doctor is as trustworthy as they come. In fact, he might be able to help us."

"Are you certain?" Fili raised an eyebrow, scrutinizing the tall man in the striped suit.

"Evil doesn't wear converse," The hobbit muttered, snickering at his own joke. He turned toward the Doctor. "I have to apologize for my friends, but we've been through quite a bit and we're just trying to find our lost friend."

"I gathered that," The Doctor eyed Kili with a look of wariness that melted into sympathy. "You said you lost a blonde lass?"

"Yes," Kili answered in a gruff voice, his jaw muscles clenching. "And this boy, here," He pointed at Neville, "says it was you who took her."

"I swear to you, I've taken no one," The Doctor replied. "I'm only searching for my own lost companion."

Something that looked like recognition flashed through Kili's eyes as he stepped closer to the center console. "Is that your Rose?"

"Yes," The doctor stepped closer to a screen, pointing at it in anger. "And she's not supposed to be where the Tardis says she is."

"That's Danika." Kili nodded at the screen, pursing his lips.

Disbelief hung over Fili, but as he rose to his feet to join his brother beside the screen, his eyebrows rose and he nodded. "I don't know how, but you're right."

There sat Danika, frightened and alone in a wide, barred box hanging over the ledge of a mountain. Sitting on a safe surface was an orc, in plain sight, as though he was waiting for something or someone.

"This is the girl you're looking for?" The doctor's eyes widened. "How is it that we're looking for the same person, but with different names?"

Thorin moaned. "We'd need a detective to sort this out, we're getting nowhere."

"Detective," Fili muttered under his breath, "We'd need…" And suddenly he had a thought. Turning to Kili, Fili took his brother by the shoulders and grinned. "We need to visit another universe."

"No, no, please," Kili groaned, a hand flying to his forehead. "Every time we do this, it just gets stranger and stranger."

"We've got too many clues and we don't know how to sort them," Fili said firmly, looking to Thorin to back him up. "You want to find Danika, don't you?"

Kili glanced at the screen again and Fili saw the pained wince pass over the dwarf's face.

"Thorin was right," Fili said, gripping his brother's shoulders tighter. "We_ could_ use a detective. And who better to solve this puzzle than Sherlock Holmes?"

* * *

><p>.<p>

**Don't worry, this WILL be resolved! Either tonight or tomorrow ;) **


	20. Tea with Sherlock

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**II**

**OTHER WAYS TO WRECK A MARY SUE**

_**Chapter 5 – Tea with Sherlock**_

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><p>"<em>I Remember" Saint Saviour<em>

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><p>I, John Watson, have been amazed. It isn't often that this happens, even when my best mate is Sherlock Holmes, but it was a day of significant marvel.<p>

I was sitting at the desk, uploading a new entry to my blog when my eyes strayed to the window. I frowned, turned my head to look at Sherlock, and then leaned a little further toward the glass to get a better look.

"We have a new case," Sherlock beamed at me, obviously reading my expression.

"Er, I think so," My brow furrowed and I watched the odd men as they entered the building. The sound of heavy boots could be heard, as well as the fast tapping of someone lean and quick. It cannot be entirely owed to Sherlock that I have good ears, but I'll give the man credit for fine-tuning my ability to make sense of the sounds I hear.

I watched as Holmes' eyebrows rose and knit together, listening to those same sounds, and then we both turned to face the door and take in the sight of the strangest group I have ever seen.

Into the front-room walked three short men, who stood closely beside each other, each wearing features that marked them as related, and each with a majestic bearing on their thick-limbed bodies. A tall, thin man with spiked hair stood beside them, looking around the apartment and nodding his approval. There was also a younger lad with dark brown hair and slightly pudgy cheeks who seemed bewildered by everything he saw. But it was the last of the six strangers that caught my attention: despite his short height and curly mop of hair, as well as the costume-like attire he wore, I was mystified to see my face reflected back at me on a living creature.

"Well, this is awkward," The shorter fellow remarked, looking me up and down.

"You seem to be running into a number of awkward situations today," Sherlock smirked, settling down in his chair with that know-it-all expression which normally bothered me, but not this time…

"H-have a seat," I waved at the couch and the two chairs beside the desk. Two of the three shorter men sat down on the couch while the third, dark-haired one seemed to hesitate—but at a glance from the obviously older man, he nodded and joined them. The taller man sat at the desk, eyeing Sherlock curiously, while the younger lad stood by the door, shaking his head at me nervously to indicate that he was not in a mood for sitting.

"Watson, I think our guests would like some tea." Holmes said, bringing me out of my stupor. I jolted out of my staring and practically flew into the kitchen, anxious to be present when everything was said. Every nuance of our guests intrigued me.

"I'm assuming some of you are new to this, so let me explain how it works." Sherlock said, grabbing the arms of his chair and turning it to face them all better. He leaned forward with his hands together on his knees. "I will ask you questions and you will give me as concise answers as you can. I'd like as many details as you can give without being superfluous or unnecessary. Is that understood?"

I turned my head away from the kettle to look at them and saw that they all nodded, all except for the older man, who looked as though Sherlock was wasting his time. I could tell from the way he held himself that he was a man of great importance and was not accustomed to being told what to do.

Sherlock leaned even further forward and looked very pointedly at the man who had hesitantly sat beside the other two. "Tell me what went missing."

"Introductions," I coughed into my sleeve, peeking at Sherlock out of the corner of my eye. He snorted and rolled his eyes, nodding and putting on a fake smile.

"I don't need names, I've got the relationships figured out."

Tea-tray in hand, I sent him a reprimanding scowl and apologized quickly to the three on the couch.

"You," Sherlock pointed at the dark-haired young man, "are the reason everyone is here—you haven't slept well in some time and there's evidence of alcohol and tobacco on your beard and shirt, but you keep your gloves, boots, and jacket in good condition which means that your dirty shirt and other lack of grooming isn't a normal behavior, so you're obviously trying to drown out sorrow over something that is only recently lacking. I'm guessing you've lost some great treasure or—" Sherlock pressed his hands together under his chin.

"—a woman. Definitely a woman. You—" He pointed at the blonde, "are obviously the concerned brother, bearing a subtle resemblance to these two, but mostly because even though you're definitely out of your element, you're willing to help out in any way you can. And from the way you hold yourself and the condition you keep your clothes and hidden weapons, you're in training for something important, which brings us to you," Sherlock's finger pointed at the next man. "I'm guessing you're their father, although I haven't quite made up my mind, but you're definitely a relative due to the strong likeness. You also have a bearing that just reeks of grandeur, though the evidence supports that you have also had something important taken from you, probably a leadership position."

Holmes then turned his attention upon the taller man, sitting in the chair behind the desk. "You are not a relative, you are not even a friend, judging from the way you walked into the apartment with them, your seating, and the detached expression you wear, as though they're more of an irritant to you than anything else—but you have something that they want, something they can't find anywhere else, and you're tolerating them until each has what the other needs."

The young lad blew out a breath. "That's brilliant. Do me—what can you tell about me?"

"Boring. You're a witness." Sherlock waved him off and the lad's shoulders seemed to droop.

I cleared my throat, knowing Sherlock hadn't quite understood what I meant about introductions. "Well, for starters, I'm John Watson. And your names are—?"

Everyone turned their heads to the older man, who took in a frustrated breath. "I am Thorin, these are my nephews—"

"Not father, but related." Holmes shrugged his shoulders.

"—my nephews, Fili and Kili. This young man is Neville. That man is The Doctor. And this," he waved a hand at the small fellow whom I hadn't seen sit down on the floor beside the couch, "is Mr. Baggins."

"Bilbo." Mr. Baggins nodded his head, seemingly at me.

There was a curious bit, in all of this, when I had the overwhelming urge to ask not _who_ they were, but _what_ they were. Apparently, I wasn't alone in that observation because Sherlock addressed it head-on. "And you're not from London."

Thorin shook his head.

"Or from England."

Again, the man shook his head.

"Or perhaps even the same universe."

The teacup in my hand threatened to fall after my fingers loosened, but I caught it at the last moment, ducking into my chair and shaking my head. "I'm sorry, what?"

"No," Thorin answered Holmes. "We are not. We are from a different story entirely."

I might have choked on my tea, if I had been drinking it, but because I wasn't, my sputter came from a dry throat and everyone looked at me with concern. "Sorry, sorry. I'm afraid I don't understand."

"John," Sherlock called my attention to his very serious face. "Fiction. They're from another fan fiction."

"Oh." I suddenly understood. And yet, didn't. "Wait, what do you mean _another_?"

"Later." My friend said, turning back toward our visitors. "Dwarves and a hobbit, but I can't place you." He pointed at the tall gentleman who'd been indicated as The Doctor.

"Timelord." The Doctor answered with a sigh.

"Ah." Sherlock clapped his hands together.

Neville uncrossed his arms. "And I'm from—"

"Boring." Sherlock said, coming to sit on the coffee table and eyeing the one named Kili. "Tell me about her disappearance."

Kili no longer looked surprised that my friend could read him so well, but instead looked depressed, ducking his head and complying with Sherlock's rule of being concise. "She was supposed to be home, but when I came back from a hunt, she was gone. No sign of struggle, nothing out of place except for a streak of paint across the floor from the mural she'd been painting on our living room wall. I found a candy wrapper from Neville's world and I assumed she'd left with him, but then a friend pointed out that the streak of paint sat beside a name. We saw it as a clue and our friend took us into Neville's world."

"Why did you take her?" Sherlock turned to Neville and the lad looked as though he were shrinking under the gaze of my detective comrade.

"I was possessed." The lad stammered. "It wasn't my fault, the—Lord Voldemort—he made me come to get her and bring her back, but I could see and hear everything going on like it was someone else. That's when I got back to my own world and someone else took Danika off my hands."

Danika. So, we had a name for the woman at the center of all of this.

"Who took her from you?"

"Him," Neville pointed at the tall, skinny man, who held his hands up and shook his head.

"It wasn't me, I swear it."

"But that's not the reason you're here—you wouldn't willingly accompany those who accuse you of kidnapping." Holmes narrowed his eyes at The Doctor. "What is it _you're_ missing?"

"A companion. Her name is Rose."

"Two missing female companions." Sherlock tapped his fingers against the table he sat on.

"Oh, and they look alike," The little man, Bilbo, mentioned.

"The women?" Holmes glanced at Kili and then at The Doctor. They both nodded. Swiveling his feet around the table and sitting to face The Doctor, Sherlock scrutinized the man. "A Time-lord losing his companion, that happens quite a bit, doesn't it?"

"Not like this," The man shook his head, crossing his legs. His footwear caught my attention. Out of all of them, this man was the only one dressed normally—or rather the most normal, as I couldn't understand why someone would be wearing a pinstripe suit with converse in such a casual manner.

"We were separated," The man continued. "I had to leave her in an alternate universe with no way of seeing or speaking to her ever again."

"Then how did you know she's missing?" Holmes asked.

"Because my 'space ship' picked up a transmission showing her in _their_ world," he pointed at the three on the couch.

"I'll ask you again, how do you know she's missing?" Holmes repeated. The six of them looked at each other in confusion. "This man—Kili—has an _actual_ disappearance on his hands, but you have no way of verifying whether or not your friend is truly missing from her universe. It's likely that either they're the same person or you are mistaken."

"How can they be the same person?" Kili asked with a confused look. I can sympathize with that expression, I wear it myself quite often.

"Why do John and Bilbo wear identical faces?" Holmes offered a hypothetical question. "Characters get recycled, actors start in different fandom movies, and so on. But the only confirmed absence we have is Kili's friend, so I'm more inclined to think she is less likely the Doctor's companion."

More of their adventure was told and while Sherlock peppered them with questions until he looked as though he knew enough to form a theory.

"Doctor," Holmes rose to his feet.

"Hm?"

"No, John, not you—The Doctor." Holmes pointed at the man in the suit. "Doctor, the Tardis, is it safely hidden?"

"How do you know about the Tardis?" The Doctor said in surprise, rising to his feet.

"I know all of you, all of your fandom," Sherlock said with open hands. "What's better is that I know why you're here."

"We came to see you," Neville murmured.

"No," Sherlock said slowly. "You were directed here. The Tardis can move between universes easily—and stories, for that matter. And as you've been walking through doors, you haven't been closing them behind you—someone means to follow the breadcrumbs you've been leaving…"

"Who?" Said the tall chap in the converse.

"The dark lord." Kili muttered, looking gravely at his brother and uncle. "We defeated the dragon and threw back the armies he would have used. We made him desperate for another fighting force…" and lifting his head up to look at Sherlock, the dwarf's face was full of guilt. "And now we've given him a way to move through the fan fictions..."


	21. Crouch's explanation

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**II**

**OTHER WAYS TO WRECK A MARY SUE**

_**Chapter 6 – Crouch's Explanation**_

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><p>"<em>Teardrop" Jose Gonzalez<em>

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><p>Danika had fallen asleep—how, she didn't know, but it might have had something to do with her sitting as still as possible and having nothing to do for hours and hours—and startled awake to the sound of a rock smacking against the platform she lay upon. Glancing around, she found that her head had cleared enough from her nap to make better sense of her surroundings.<p>

Across from her was a cave in the side of a mountain, the ceiling of which stretched out to hang her barred platform by a hook, though the floor of the cave ended far from her so that she hung over nothing with a gap between her and a solid surface.

Danika's eyes strayed to the abyss of the gap—it couldn't have been further than ten feet across, but it was miles and miles downward—and then she looked over to the firm ground where the orc had been sitting. There was no longer an orc, but a tall and skinny man in a long, black leather jacket with unkempt brown hair. He looked familiar, but Danika was too startled by the way he stared at her maliciously to form a thought.

"Comfortable?" The man asked with a strange lick of his lips.

The action caught Danika off-guard and she was suddenly very grateful for the gap between her and the flat land. In her mind, the lick seemed to forebode some disgusting fate on her part…

"You're Barty Crouch," She pointed at him, eyes widening.

"Junior," He corrected, crossing his arms in amusement.

"From… Harry Potter?" Danika looked at him with a quizzical look.

He nodded.

"What do you want?"

"I want you to tell Kili to come."

Kili.

Why were they after Kili? What could Crouch possibly want from him?

"He doesn't know where I am. He probably doesn't know how to get here." She knew it was foolish to say aloud—a trap was useless if their intended prey couldn't find it!—but she was already fearfully affected by the placement of her cage, hanging over an endless abyss, and she wasn't able to filter her words before she said them.

"Him and his motley crew already followed the false trail we left behind. All it took was a candy-wrapper and a fez to get them started." Crouch smirked. "It's amazing how simple it was—they just ran right after it."

"Why are you telling me all of this?" She narrowed her eyes at him. "Idiot-criminals give their monologue about 'The Plan', I thought you were smarter than that."

"Well, normally, you'd be right, but I need you to look terrified—it will make Kili get here quicker." He licked his lips again. Despite how often he did it, Danika became more and more unsettled each time his sharp tongue darted out of his mouth. "If I tell you that you've been accessory to the downfall of fan fictions everywhere, it might help things along."

"Telling me your tactic doesn't seem very smart, either." Danika crossed her arms.

"We'll see." He nodded with a grin.

"So, what's the rest of the master plan?" She yawned. "Kili comes after me, blah blah blah, I get it. But that seems like too much work just to lure a dwarf in."

"No, we don't want the dwarf." Crouch shook his head. "We want the hobbit."

Bilbo. Danika's heart dropped. No, not Bilbo… "What for?"

"The Ring. Sauron can't take form and come into the fullness of his might unless he has the Ring, and Voldemort can't come here until that happens."

Danika's eyebrows rose and she resisted a relieved smile. "Bilbo doesn't have the Ring."

"You're right, he doesn't, we checked." Crouch nodded, pursing his lips. "But he knows who does. He doesn't have many attachments to use as motivators, but I'm pretty sure your dwarf would be able to convince Bilbo to come out with the Ring when he sees that we have you."

"Do you really think Kili would trade me for the One Ring?" She asked incredulously. "Maybe you don't know him as well as I do. And that still seems like you went to too much effort for one thing."

"Two," Barty Crouch Jr. held up two fingers. "The Ring and the Tardis. We'll kill two birds with one Danika-shaped-stone."

"I'm confused," Danika said in irritation, wondering how all of this was supposed to make her scared if she didn't understand it. "Firstly, why would The Doctor show up here with the Tardis? And secondly, what in the world do you need a time-travelling spaceship for when apparently you've already opened up a pathway between Middle-earth and Hogwarts?"

"That's _one_ pathway, and it took the combined power of Sauron and Lord Voldemort to make it—the Tardis can open up several with ease." He rose to his feet, brushing the dirt off of his knees. "And to answer the first question—you're obviously familiar with Dr. Who, so you have to know already that you look like his companion."

"I'm not a red-head," Danika threw her hands up in the air. "So unless you gave me polyjuice potion while I was asleep—"

"Not that one. The one before." Crouch shook his head at her. "Rose Tyler."

Oh. Danika couldn't argue against that—she even remembered the few times when someone pointed out her likeness to Rose, though she really hadn't made anything of it until now.

"The Doctor brings the Tardis, Bilbo brings the Ring," Crouch licked his lips at her, but it wasn't a darting motion like before. This time it was slow, causing Danika's skin to crawl. "You were a marvelous stroke of luck. Sauron will have the Ring and become whole again, The Tardis will allow him and Lord Voldemort to move through the fictions and recruit other allies, and the whole fiction world will fall under their rule—all because of you."

And as much as she tried to resist it, the train of thought he led her to was working to make panic rise in her chest. Although she tried to persuade herself that it was just a story and wasn't in the real world, a wiggle of her toes in her shoes and the feel of the breeze against her skin told her that the world she existed in was very much real—at least to her. There might be some solace in knowing that the damage of the villains would be limited to the inside of the story and no further, but Danika could not deny that it frightened her very much to be stuck in that chaotic bubble while it happened.

Danika's breathing increased as she thought of the friends she had made in Middle-earth and what they would suffer on her behalf, when she realized it would also affect the characters in the other stories as well—the ones she'd read about but had never met: the Harry Potter universe, The Doctor Who world, and whatever others these dark lords would lurk into.

"I won't call him," She said, _hoping_ that her last act of defiance might be enough, but considering that her efforts were probably useless. "I won't say a word to Kili."

"I don't need you to." Crouch said with a blank face. His smiles before had made Danika nervous, but now his expression was numb and that scared her even more. The previously chatty Barty Crouch Jr. was completely silent now, having done his work of planting fear in her head, and was now moving to do something else with his wand.

Pointing at a boulder beside him, a burst of green was emitted from the wand and a circular picture churned to the stony surface, not unlike a television screen. The image was blurry for a moment, swirling and rotating, until it became clearer and showed a moving picture of dwarves, a hobbit, and humans, all aboard the Tardis. They were looking down at a console, oblivious to the fact that they were being watched.

And then Crouch pointed the wand at Danika and she ducked down to her knees, taking her head in her hands and anticipating the pain she was certain would come.

But it didn't.

Agonizing seconds ticked by in which Danika felt nothing and she was afraid to look up, thinking that Crouch was playing with her. But then she released the hold over her face and opened her eyes.

The wooden boards which had once been beneath her feet were no longer visible, though she could still feel their solidity beneath the soles of her shoes. A rush of terror swept over her and she realized that Crouch had cast a spell to make the cage invisible. She might have preferred torture to this.

Taking steadying breaths, Danika clamped her eyes shut and willed her limbs to stop trembling. If Crouch wanted to frighten her into doing his bidding, he was going to have to do better than that. But then she remembered what he'd said before.

"_I won't call him."_

"_I don't need you to."_

It didn't matter if she was _willing_ to speak, she was already terrified out of her mind- her screams would be sufficient to motivate Kili to come.

Danika looked up just in time to see Crouch point his wand at her and she felt a force drive her backward, pushing her into the bars and tipping the platform with her weight. She let out a startled shriek and it got the attention of the dwarves, whom she could still see on the circular image on the boulder.

"Danika?" She heard Kili whisper in recognition, but her attention was diverted from his image as she was pushed further back and began to slip through the bars, the spaces between them wide enough to allow her shoulders to pass through without touching.

Her horrified scream was piercing even to her own ears as her arms reached wildly for something—anything!—to grab hold of and keep herself from falling over the edge of the platform. Finally, her hand struck a bar of the cage and she grasped it with all of her strength, her knuckles going white with the grip.

"Danika!" She heard Kili shout after her and she caught a small glimpse of his horror-struck face, filling the entire circle on the boulder. If her mind had been working, she might have shouted to him that it was a trap and that he should stay away, but her limbs were seizing with fear and her lungs were busy heaving deep breaths between alarmed cries.

Kili's voice turned angry and the dwarf began to shout violently. "_I'll kill you, Barty Crouch!"_

"Junior," The man corrected again, looking bored. "The Tardis should be able to read where we are, so consider this your official invitation to drop by."

"Oh, I'm coming," Kili said threateningly as he shook with fury. "I'm coming to end your miserable existence!"


	22. This is the Ultimate Showdown

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**II**

**OTHER WAYS TO WRECK A MARY SUE**

_**Chapter 7 – This is the Ultimate Showdown**_

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><p>"<em>Rise" The Frames<em>

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><p>Danika could see Kili's trembling fists clenched together from where she sat huddled against herself in the center-most part of the hanging platform as it hung across from the cave.<p>

Though Crouch had used his magic to pull Danika back onto the platform after tipping it, the distress he'd caused had done it's work and Kili agreed to do Crouch's bidding, shouting frantically at the wizard and threatening his life, all while calling out to Danika. The familiar mechanical whistle of the Tardis was heard moments later and the blue box appeared a few feet from where Crouch stood.

Fili had been the first to emerge from the Tardis with a strong grip on his brother's arm as the dwarf followed him, keeping Kili from darting forward and ripping Barty Crouch Junior apart limb from limb like his ferocious expression said he wanted to do. Thorin emerged from the blue box to put a hand on his nephew's other arm, obviously hoping to restrain him from the same action. As the rest of them piled out of the Tardis, Danika noted that they all wore incredibly patient expressions. All except for Kili.

He was livid. His face ducked a little, low eyebrows over his dark eyes, and his furious glare sank into Crouch as the dwarf clenched his jaw and hands, both grinding as though hungry for the villain's blood.

Crouch did not look impressed. He stood before them all with his hands in his pockets and a relaxed face, as though he was becoming bored with waiting for them all to exit the time-travelling space ship.

"I don't see Bilbo." The evil wizard said, hand bulging as he gripped the wand in his pocket.

"I'm here," The hobbit called out from behind the tall bodies of Sherlock and The Doctor, shuffling forward and looking as though he had expected to be called upon.

"Ah," Crouch nodded, bringing the wand into the open. "You have something for me." He held his hand out and twitched his fingers, silently asking Bilbo to step forward. "Oh," He said suddenly, as though he had just remembered something. "And the key to the Tardis."

The Doctor relinquished the key to the hobbit without a fuss, looking tired and resigned while Bilbo looked up nervously at Sherlock, who nodded and waved him forward. The detective did not look uneasy in the slightest, and that gave Danika hope. She was familiar with a myriad of different fandoms, causing her to recognize the characters standing in the cave, but Sherlock was the one she was paying most attention to. Although... she could not help but glance at Kili and felt a pang of guilt in having caused him to come here. When would the stories finally leave him alone? When would he ever have peace?

"I'm sure your master will be well-pleased," The hobbit grumbled, reaching into his pocket and handing over a band of gold—The Ring! No! Why was Bilbo giving it up without a fight?—and the key before pointing at Danika. "We've done what you wanted, now release her." Kili looked irked that the hobbit had stolen those words from him, but seemed to be relaxing under the arms of his brother and uncle.

Crouch shifted the key and the Ring in his hand, smiling widely and pointing his wand at Danika's cage with a smirk. "That was a very poor choice of words."

The cage began to shift, and at first Danika thought that he meant to levitate it forward, but then she realized that it was swaying and the hook began to creak against its anchor on the overhanging ceiling.

"Stop!" Kili cried out, looking torn between leaping at the cage and strangling Crouch. "You have your trinkets—bring her safely here!"

"You knew exactly what I was asking for when I said that Bilbo had something for me." Crouch mused with a vindictive smile. "And you've been consulting with a professional know-it-all," He inclined his head at Sherlock, "So you probably know our plans just as well as I do—" He licked his lips, "—which means you've got something up your sleeve."

Crouch held up the ring. "How do I know this is the One Ring?" He was met with silence and Bilbo ducked nervously behind Thorin. "Furthermore, how do I know this—" He held up the key, "is the actual Tardis key?"

"You can test the key," The Doctor waved his hand at the closed door of the Tardis. "But the Ring you'll have to take in faith."

"Just how stupid do you think I am?" Crouch guffawed.

"Very." Sherlock said with crossed arms.

"Really?" Crouch looked at him with disbelief. "Because _you're_ just reading the evidence, you're not a planner." He pointed at The Doctor. "But you, my lovely twin, have been known to muddle with situations just like this."

The Doctor held his hands out. "Do what you want with me. Whatever sign of good faith you want in exchange for Ro—Danika's freedom." He shook his head at his error, looking over at Danika and mouthing "sorry".

Danika wasn't sure how to react. She didn't like being the bargaining chip for things that were so important. For a brief moment, the idea passed through her mind that she should jump from the platform and brave death—whatever _that_ meant in a fan fiction—so that the leverage she had become would no longer give Crouch power over her friends…

… but then she met Kili's eyes and he seemed to know what she was thinking. His angry features softened and he looked pained.

_Please,_ his brown eyes pleaded as they misted over, _please, don't do it. I've come this far, please don't leave me again. _

The look broke her heart and she shuddered, tears creeping into her own eyes as she nodded her head at him, promising to sit tight until this horrid exchange was finished. She was inwardly disgusted that she had considered the thought at all, remembering her mission of consoling the dwarf who had been through so much.

_Trust me,_ he mouthed at her— or that's what it looked like— and she nodded again while her arms released their tight hold of her knees while she sat.

Crouch stepped forward and motioned for the dwarves and humans to back up against the wall and give him room as he approached the Doctor, whose hands were still held up, as though expecting to be bound. But Barty Crouch Jr. did nothing except point his wand at the Time-lord's neck, causing the man to follow him as he made his way toward the Tardis. Inserting the key into the door, Crouch first locked it and then unlocked it to verify that it was, in fact, the true key. When he was satisfied that he wasn't being duped, he put the key back in his pocket and threw the dwarves an irritated look, bringing the Doctor to walk with him to another wall of the cave.

"They gave me the correct key," He called toward the wall, as though he were speaking to something on the other side of it, "But I can't tell if they've given me the One Ring."

A shadow fell over the wall and it dissipated into darkness, as though it had been an illusion, hiding a secret cavern beyond the cave.

"Bring it to me." A low and unnatural voice rumbled the ground beneath their feet. Even Danika had felt it despite the lack of solid ground beneath her own feet.

Crouch leaned forward, as though wary of touching the dark shadow, and held out the Ring for inspection.

"No," The grinding and booming reply came, "I cannot sense its presence."

"You liar!" Crouch shouted into The Doctor's ear with a wild expression—his wide eyes and bared teeth made the man look crazed, but it was his quick tongue at the corner of his mouth that finished the image of the unhinged villain. "You told me to take it on faith and then you call me a fool! Where is the Ring?"

No one answered and the tension was thick in the air.

"Where is the Ring?" He screamed, causing The Doctor to wince and throw up his hands over his head. It was not an act of cowering, but an effort to keep his face free from the saliva that came from Crouch's shrieking mouth. "Tell me where it is or I will give this girl to Lord Voldemort as a plaything!"

Danika wasn't sure what that would mean, but a cold hand gripped her heart when she considered that she'd only been Crouch's plaything up until this point.

Kili looked ready to say something, but Fili's hand flew to his brother's chest as if to keep him from speaking, his other hand already gripping Kili's arm tightly. Danika could see that Fili was whispering something to his brother and she strained her eyes to see.

_Wait. Wait for it._ He said. Was that Danika's eyes playing tricks on her with wishful thinking, or was the dwarf telling Kili to wait? And for heaven's sake, what were they waiting for? She could remember the first time Fili had asked them to wait in a desperate situation, withholding his secret until the last moment. She could also remember how relieved she had been when he finally revealed it—the scheme concerning their first adventure—and it gave her hope. Was this the same pokerface now as he had been wearing then?

Crouch began flailing and shouting obscenities at them. He shoved The Doctor forward so that the time-lord stumbled into the line of dwarves and a clumsy Neville dropped to the floor from the impact. Pointing his wand to the cage again, Crouch hissed at them and demanded to know where the Ring was once more, promising them that he would not ask again—clank! One of the cage supports loosened with a grinding sound and the platform began to creak.

But Danika was not afraid. She sat completely still, cross legged with her hands resting on her knees and locking her faith-filled eyes on Kili's despairing ones. He began to struggle against his brother and uncle, a contrast to the peaceful state of the girl whose cage shifted above her head.

"One last chance before she falls to her death." Crouch growled at them.

But then his head shifted to look at the dark shadow beside him and he jolted in surprise. The blackness had become alive with an orange and red light. The voice which had once been a low rumble was now a high-pitched shriek, denoting pain and helplessness.

"The Ring has been tossed into the fire of Mount Doom." Sherlock said with a smile, ignoring the distress of the shadow and the creaking of the weakened cage. A whirlwind of air was beginning to grow inside of the cave and everyone's hair danced around their faces.

"No! No!" Crouch threw up a hand to shield his eyes from the bright light. "How did you-? When did you-?"

"Time machine," Sherlock uttered carelessly. "Or did you think this was the first time we'd done this?"

Danika considered for a moment that it was entirely possible The Doctor could have already gone through this scenario before jumping back into the Tardis and going back to the beginning of their meeting, but before she could question why they hadn't gone back further in time to stop _all of this_ from happening, she resigned herself to the notion that The Doctor had a rule against certain alterations in the timeline. Knowing she couldn't possibly fathom everything happening, she shook away the thought and convinced herself that Sherlock had meant that it wasn't the first time they'd foiled a villain's plans.

"Curse you!" Crouch threw his hand out and pointed his wand at the cage, causing it to tilt even more and buckle violently.

Danika felt herself sliding and automatically reached out, hoping to catch one of the bars before she fell through them. With a final groan, the hook above her head released its heavy load and Danika was overcome with a weightless sensation.


	23. Right In the Feels

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**II**

**OTHER WAYS TO WRECK A MARY SUE**

_**Chapter 8 –Right In the Feels**_

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* * *

><p>"<em>Midnight" Coldplay<em>

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><p>Danika was certain that Kili's tortured cry would be the last thing she heard as she fell through the air, but she was startled when her ears caught something else.<p>

"Wingardium Leviosa!"

All movement stopped and the bars of the cage passed over her shoulders, falling behind her and downward at a frighteningly quick pace. But her body was floating in the air…. How?

A great heave of relief left Kili's lips before Danika heard, "Gently, Neville—she's afraid of heights!"

Danika finally opened her eyes to find that she was moving through the air by some unseen force. It felt as though she were encased in bubble-wrap and being pulled around by air.

"Watch the ledge!" Kili grumbled to the young wizard as they stared down at her, and Danika could see now that she was hovering just under the level edge of the cave. Neville and Kili were standing as close to the edge as they could manage—one step more and they would have fallen themselves!—and Neville's hand held a wand, pointing it at Danika's body as she floated upward and over their heads. She willed herself not to look down, but it took shutting her eyes again and grinding her teeth to get through her weightless ascent.

"Just drop her, already," Kili murmured with arms outstretched as she hovered above her brown-eyed dwarf.

A rush of air brought her downward quickly and she fell into Kili's arms, toppling them awkwardly backward when she fell onto his chest.

Still shocked from playing with heights, Danika could do nothing more than bury her face into Kili's front and grab a fistful of his shirt in each hand, sobbing out her breaths as he squeezed his arms tightly around her. His breathy laughs brushed through the wayward strands of her blonde hair and then Danika could feel light kisses being pressed into her forehead.

* * *

><p>"<em>O" Coldplay<em>

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><p>"I'm sorry, I'm sorry," Kili finally heard Danika whisper after a long silence, and he felt her breath above his collar bone. "I must be crushing you to death."<p>

"You're not," He sighed happily, tightening his arms around her to keep her from getting up. "If you were, I couldn't think of a better way to die."

A little quiver in her chest fluttered against his stomach in her sniffling laughter. "Stop it, you sod. I'm already crying."

"Don't you hush me," Kili murmured through a kiss to her hair before he craned his neck to see her face. "I've been to hell and back again looking for you, I'm entitled to be a sod."

"Fine," She laughed, her white-knuckled fists releasing his shirt and pushing against the floor on either side of him to rise. He groaned in disagreement, but he knew their companions were trying their hardest not to stare and she was already standing above him, offering him a hand up. Kili knew that she wasn't truly strong enough to help him to his feet, but he accepted anyway.

He refused to release her hand as soon as Kili was on his feet, pulling her to his side with his arm around her shoulder and wondering how best to get her to safety.

"Where's that maniac Crouch?" Danika whispered, ducking her head into Kili's neck and almost making him forget everything but the warmth of her closeness.

"Down for the count." He muttered into her hair, rotating them but not causing her move from where she was nestled. "Just turn your head, he's over there."

Obediently, she pressed the side of her face against Kili's collarbone, and looked at Thorin standing over a fallen Crouch with an axe. The crazed man was flat on his belly with Thorin's axe-blade resting against the back of Crouch's neck. He wasn't dead, but if he made even the slightest movement, Kili was certain that Thorin wouldn't hesitate to give the axe a forceful swing.

"And Sauron," Her head whipped around to look at the dark cavern. "How did you throw the Ring into Mount Doom if you're all standing here—"

"That'd be Luna, love." Kili couldn't resist a smirk. "She was pretty adamant. Jumped onto an eagle's back and flew off to Mordor. Didn't know how soon it would be, but we knew we were cutting it close."

"What do we do now?" Danika whispered, looking up into Kili's face.

If the lovely, blonde woman expected an answer from him, Kili hoped she wouldn't be too disappointed with the shake of his head to indicate that he had no ideas, his lips pressed together in a thin line.

"I don't know," He said after a moment. "I was so intent on getting here. Beyond that…"

"That's why you brought me along," Fili said, stepping forward with a smile and patting his brother's shoulder. "You're all energy and no thought, but_ I_ have a head over my shoulders." Danika momentarily left the safety of Kili's arms to lean into Fili, thanking him for her rescue, before coming to stand beside Kili and grabbing his hand firmly.

Giving her fingers a good squeeze, Kili turned to his brother. "Dumbledore said Voldemort was still in the Harry Potter Universe the last time he checked. Sauron is melting away with the Ring," He pointed at the cavern, still filled with light, though the shrieking had died down, "and we have Crouch beneath our uncle's boot—I don't want to leave any loose ends for them to use again, but how do we know if we've taken care of everything?"

"You can't know," The Doctor said, stepping toward them with his hands in his pocket. "They have the entire world to plan in and you're a lone dwarf."

"We'll just have to keep an eye on things." Sherlock shrugged with his arms crossed.

"Is that even possible?" Asked Thorin from where he stood, guarding the unconscious body of Crouch. "We can return this fellow to his own world easily enough, but how do we know when evil is lurking where it doesn't belong?"

"_Evil_ doesn't_ belong_ anywhere," Neville muttered under his breath and Kili saw Danika's head snap in his direction. At first, he thought the woman was upset by Neville's presence, but then he saw her face turn soft with sympathy. While Thorin, Sherlock, and The Doctor consulted with each other, Danika stepped toward Neville with a smile.

"Miss." He nodded his head at her with a guilty expression. "I'm glad to see you're not hurt." He said shyly.

"Thanks to you." She beamed at him, eyebrows coming together in concern.

"No," Neville hung his head as he shook it slowly. "No, I'm the reason you were taken at all, you can't thank me. I owed it to you."

"That wasn't you, Neville." Danika came closer and hugged Neville, running a soothing hand over his back. "I could tell it wasn't you—you're not to blame for what happened. But if it makes you feel any better, you have my forgiveness," She turned her head to look Kili in the eye, "and Kili's, too."

Kili had to admit that he'd been harsh on the lad since they'd found out what his involvement was, but he was also incredibly grateful that Neville had been able to save Danika from the fall over the ledge. He made a point of bowing with his hand over his heart to show he was in agreement with Danika's words and Neville just about broke into tears.

"Well, if the lot of you are done hugging and crying," Sherlock coughed into his hand, "Then we'll be able to get a move on."

Kili turned to face his brother and the three planning faces of Thorin, The Doctor, and Sherlock, with Neville and Bilbo standing beside Danika and himself.

"One last trip into the Tardis," The Doctor waved a hand at the blue box. "And we'll pick up Luna and return everyone to the universe they belong to. Once we've closed all the 'doors' we opened up to get here, we set up a warning system in each of the universes in case we find anyone wandering around where they don't belong."

Sherlock nodded his head and walked toward the Tardis, muttering something about the irony of John being unable to write out this particular story.

"We will all gather at the Lonely Mountain," Thorin spoke to his nephews and Danika. "I won't have you out of my sight again, you're less defensible."

Kili grimaced. Up until the day Danika had gone missing, he'd been enjoying the safety and freedom of living in the middle of nowhere with his… well, for lack of a better term, his beloved. There simply was no getting around it and that was fine by him.

"No," He heard Danika say and his head snapped in her direction. "No, Kili's freedom has been hard-won and we're not giving it up that easily." She turned meekly toward him with a shy expression. "Unless you _want_ to live in Erebor…"

Kili shook his head. "No, you guessed my thoughts correctly. I can't go back to that mountain again. I was hoping to return to our house, but I know that isn't the wisest decision."

"Where else would you go?" Thorin asked in a frustrated tone that reminded Kili his uncle was only looking to keep him safe. "Is there _anywhere_ better-guarded than Erebor on Middle-earth?"

They heard the deep rumble of a weak voice beyond the cave. "There is nowhere on Middle-earth you can go that you will not be found. Perhapssssss," Sauron hissed, "it will not be by me, but there are othersssss. The will find you and destroy you!"

The wheels in Kili's head were turning and he faced his uncle with an expression he hoped Thorin could read. "I guess _Erebor_ is our only option, then."

Something in Thorin's eyes twinkled and he nodded, the smallest of smiles tugging at the corner of his mouth. "Then let's get into the blue box and be on our way."

Danika looked at the two of them, sensing that they had shared something secretive, but made no effort to press them for it. The members of their adventurous company made their way, one by one, through the Tardis door, dragging the unconscious Crouch after them, and not bothering to look back at the diminishing spirit of Sauron.

When they had shut the door behind them, Kili wondered if they should be further away from Sauron's cave before they spoke freely, postponing his questions when Thorin asked The Doctor to pick up Luna from the rendezvous spot they'd chosen hours before.

"What's going on?" Danika look up at Kili with questioning eyes, but he held a finger to his lips, silently asking her to save her questions until they knew they were out of earshot of the dying entity in the cave.

An hour later, they had retrieved Luna and were returning her, Crouch, and Neville to their proper universe with short farewells and welcoming Gandalf into the blue box. It wasn't until they came to Sherlock's universe that Kili found his voice again.

"Uncle, I don't think Danika and I can stay in Middle-earth."

Thorin sighed, ducking his head and glancing at Kili out of the corner of his eye. "I know this. I don't like it, but I'm afraid you're right."

"We're not staying in Middle-earth?" Danika looked disappointed. "And why couldn't we speak before?"

"Because Lord Voldemort was listening," Gandalf said as he leaned against his staff. After the wizard had been brought on-board, he revealed that he and Dumbledore had been hard at work, monitoring the dark wizard, Voldemort, and learning what they could about his communications with Sauron. "And if he finds a way into that world, you will not be safe from his wrath."

"But what if we went back to a different time?" Danika bit her lip. "Like the Lord of the Rings setting, instead of the Hobbit setting?"

"Where do you think we found Crouch hiding?" The Doctor said in a sympathetic voice, crossing his arms. "They already thought of that trick and took you there as soon as they got you from Neville."

"That, and… awful things happen to wizards who meddle with time." Gandalf snickered, but the humor was lost on the solemn group.

"So…" Danika duck her head. "So we really can't go back. But—where _can_ we go?"

"It wouldn't make any sense to go to the Harry Potter world," Fili said with a tinge of disgust. Clearly, his first impression of the world had left a sour taste in his mouth, ruining the chance to become better acquainted with it.

"You can stay in mine," the Doctor offered with a shrug. "I've never had dwarf companions before."

"Thank you, but no," Danika shook her head, smiling at him for the offer. "As exciting as that sounds, I think I've had enough life-threatening adventures for a while." But the way she looked at Kili told him that wasn't really the reason, and if he knew her at all, she had said it because she knew _he_ was weary of adventures.

If there was only one thing that made the dwarf love Danika, it was that she knew his thoughts before he spoke them and was always saving him from embarrassment and guarding his honor. But, of course, he loved her for more than just this, so it came as no surprise when he found himself willing to do something selfless for her.

"I cannot speak for the rest of you, but I'd like to go to Danika's world with her."

The startled expression on Danika's face almost made Kili laugh, but she looked at him sternly and took his hand in hers. "I'm not so sure you'd like that."

"Why not?" He shrugged with a smile. "A simple life in a mundane world—isn't that what we were aiming for with our first house?"

Danika bit her lip. "Is that even possible—to take you to my world? My world—I say that as though it's another fan fiction… but…" She looked around at them. "I'm an Original Character… do I even have a world?"

"Doubtless, you do," Gandalf chimed in with a chuckle. "And I imagine the Doctor possesses some gadgetry which would help us determine it."

Danika seemed to be considering this for a moment and Kili held his breath, doing his best not to look at Fili. The brothers were close—even apart from the fan fiction prompts—and he wondered if Fili might take it as an abandonment for Kili to wander into a new realm without him. But his eyes strayed to his brother's and he was surprised to see Fili smiling at him.

"We'll do whatever we need to do to keep each other safe." Fili assured him. "Even if that means we must be separated for a while."

Danika was catching on to their thoughts and looked horrified. "No—no, you're coming with us if we're going there. If it's safe for us, then it's safe for you, too."

"Too many of you in the same universe will make you easy targets," Sherlock said. "And you won't find _my_ world any less dangerous, so I won't offer it to you."

Thorin spoke from behind them. "I don't think it would be necessary for us to find different worlds to occupy. If we take the gamble of spreading ourselves out, then there are more chances of us being found, more trails for the enemy to follow. No, I think we should _all_ reside in Danika's world."

Danika and Kili both let out a small sigh of relief, and for Kili's part, he was glad that his family would be close at hand.

"However, I don't think we can live too closely together." Thorin added, making Kili's heart drop. "Different lands within the same world will do."

"I'm not leaving without Sigrid," Fili said firmly.

"I wasn't going to ask you to," Thorin huffed.

"And where am_ I_ in all of this?" Bilbo chimed in.

"You'll be under my protection, Mr. Baggins." Thorin answered quickly. "Unless Gandalf means to come—"

"That is an invitation I must decline, Master Dwarf," the wizard interrupted. "For I am in no more danger than I was before, and _someone_ must stay behind to keep watch over Middle-earth."

Kili wouldn't have admitted it out loud, but he was becoming overly-tired. Chasing clues through the fan fictions and facing Crouch had taken its toll, and talk of travel only wore Kili down more.

"Doctor," Danika suddenly spoke up. She apologized for interrupting the conversation between Thorin and the wizard. "I don't want to impose, but some of us are super tired—"

The Doctor raised his eyebrows at her. "I'm sorry, I didn't even think to offer. There's a guest room over there," he pointed at steps moving downward and through a doorway, "and if you need anything else, just pipe up."

"Maybe some tea?" Danika smiled sweetly, reaching a hand through the loop of Kili's elbow. Kili finally understood what she was getting at. They might not be able to go home, but Danika obviously intended to press on as she had before. After a few other words with the Doctor, Danika nodded and led Kili down the short set of steps and into the "guest room" the Doctor had indicated.

It was a room with a bed and nothing more, but Kili didn't need more. He felt like if he fell asleep, he might never wake again. Lowering himself to sit on the edge of the bed, he leaned tiredly over toward his boots and met the eyes of a kneeling Danika.

* * *

><p>"<em>Run To You" Pentatonix<em>

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><p>"Let me do that for you," Danika said as she took hold of Kili's boot, tugging to slide it off of his foot. He sat on the bed with hunched shoulders and a tired face, the events of their adventure obviously having claimed the last bits of energy he had left. He stared at her while she worked to free his other foot from its boot and she wondered if it annoyed him that she was insisting on helping him.<p>

No, she realized. No, this was the face of a man who was used up and just needed a good rest. But she saw something else in his glistening eyes and she knelt in front of his knees quietly, waiting for him to speak.

With the smallest of movements, so small that she almost didn't see it, Kili shook his head, his lip quivering while his eyes filled with slight wetness. Danika looked up into his face, patient enough to wait for him to tell her what he needed.

"Almost…" He closed his eyes for a moment. "Almost lost you."

"But you didn't," Danika smiled at him, softly patting his knee. "Everything's okay. We're about to start new lives, it's exciting."

Kili didn't look excited, though. He just looked worn. "Don't want a new one without you, though."

Danika's brow crinkled. "Is that what's bothering you? You think that now you've rescued me, we'll part and go our separate ways? As though you don't mean a thing to me?" Kili's expression softened and Danika finally understood. He'd openly declared to her multiple times that he wanted to be with her, that he loved her and that she was important to him, but she hadn't yet replied or given any indication of her own thoughts.

"Kili," She was suddenly having trouble meeting his eyes. "In the beginning, when we were thrown together, we were resisting each other, but we still got along incredibly well. I told you that I considered you my best friend, remember?" He nodded and she continued. "We were fighting against a Mary Sue story in Middle-earth… but we're not doing that anymore, are we? I mean, we are sooooo off the map, it isn't even funny! I was ready to be with you after the first story was over—and we just finished our second adventure together. I still consider you my best friend, but it helps things that I'm attracted to you, and if you wanted to—"

"Stop talking," Kili grumbled, leaning forward and ducking his face to hers to kiss her. She could feel his contented sigh as his lips moved over hers, his hands cupping her at the back of her head. Melting into the kiss, Danika let out her own contented sigh and let her hands travel to his waist, bringing herself closer to him.

"Just one more thing," She murmured against his lips.

"Mm, no." He groaned, using his hands to press her face closer as though it might shut her up.

"I love you." She smiled. She felt the pause in his movements and was suddenly enveloped by his arms as he held her in a strong embrace, resting his forehead against her neck.

Was that all it took to reassure him? Had he really been waiting that long to hear her say it? Danika scolded herself for not making her feelings more obvious and she silently promised him that she wouldn't put him through that agony anymore. There was a weak tremble in his arms and Danika felt him shudder, sensing that this dwarf was on his last legs.

"You need sleep," she insisted, rising to her feet and gently pushing on his shoulder. He didn't need much convincing and laid back, swinging his legs onto the bed and allowing Danika to pull a sheet and comforter over his exhausted form.

After convincing herself she had done everything she could to make him comfortable, Danika removed her own shoes and slowly climbed into the bed after him, careful not to jerk him with her movements. Pulling the blankets over her shoulder, she scooted herself closer to the already-snoring dwarf and spooned herself against him, settling her forehead against the back of Kili's neck and closing her eyes in bliss.

As her muscles relaxed and her weight slowly fell into the mattress, Kili's hand reached behind him and found hers, fingers brushing lazily against each other.

In this moment, Danika didn't care where they went, so long as more moments like these were in her future.


	24. Simple Pleasures

.

**II**

**OTHER WAYS TO WRECK A MARY SUE**

_**Chapter 9 – Simple Pleasures**_

.

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><p>"<em>We Found Love" Niklas Carson<em>

* * *

><p><em>Mmmmm<em>, Kili thought, _Warmth_. _Wait… this is familiar…_

He shifted a little, remembering where he was—The Doctor's guest room—and sensed the warm body lined against his back. A twitch of his fingers reminded him he was holding Danika's hand, even in sleep.

Overwhelmed by how full and content he felt, Kili's lips tugged into a smile and he breathed a sigh of relief into the pillow as he closed his eyes again, purposing to drift back into sleep and never let this moment end.

Danika let out a sleepy moan behind him and shifted closer—if that was even possible with how close she was already—pulling her arm around Kili's waist and resting their interlocked hands over his stomach.

"Should we get up?" She whispered, her nose rubbing softly against the skin under his ear as she pressed a gentle kiss against his neck.

"No," Kili groaned, tightening his hand over hers. "We're not leaving this room ever again."

A tired giggle tickled his ear. "So we'll be the Doctor's tag-a-longs that never leave the Tardis?"

Kili rolled himself to face her, touching his forehead to hers and grinning at her with mischief. Letting go of her hand, he put his warm hand against the small of her back while he shifted close enough to press against her. The action surprised her, but she didn't look as though she was going to reject it, and she smiled as she bit her lip.

"We'll be like the snug little mice that refuse to leave the house." He whispered, softly kissing the corner of Danika's mouth.

"Mmmm," She closed her eyes in what Kili hoped was enjoyment—was that noise an approval of his kisses or his plan to loiter in the blue box? He thought, for a moment, about moving his hand lower, but a voice called to them from the doorway and startled both of them.

"If either of you are hungry, we just made some food." Bilbo coughed into his hand, and Kili started to wonder if the hobbit had been watching them…

"We'll be up in a moment." Danika answered, scooting herself away from Kili, visibly embarrassed from being caught so intimately wrapped around the dwarf.

"Bilbo Baggins," Kili growled in frustration, mashing his face into a pillow as the hobbit disappeared and Danika rose from the bed.

* * *

><p>"<em>It's Time" Jon D &amp; TJ Smith(cover)<em>

* * *

><p>"No," Kili complained into his pillow, pulling the sheet over his head. "It's safer to stay in bed—no one tries to make plans in here."<p>

"They will, if you don't stop hiding under those covers." Danika smacked his shoulder through the blankets. "Come out!"

"No," He groaned, "but _you're_ welcome to come _in_ anytime you want."

Another playful nudge struck his shoulder. "When did I hook up with such an old man?"

Kili knew Danika was teasing him, but he found himself asking the same question. When had he become so old and tired? It definitely gave him something in common with the older version of Bilbo when that hobbit had said:

"_I'm old, Gandalf. I know I don't look it, but I'm beginning to feel it deep in my heart. I feel thin, stretched—like butter scraped over too much bread. I need a holiday. And I don't think I shall return. In fact, I mean not to."_

The hand Danika had previously struck him in humor with was now smoothing over his shoulder comfortingly. "Kili, if you trust me enough to talk to them for us—if you want me to take care of it—"

"Time to wake up, lazy bones!" Kili heard just before a heavy body plowed into him over the covers.

"Oy! Fili!" He moaned, trying to shift under his brother's weight. "Get off!"

"Fili," Thorin's voice filled the room, "Let him up; we need him in one piece."

Heavy weight lifted itself from Kili's mashed body and he gasped for air dramatically, pulling the sheet from over his head and peeking out at the group that had appeared around his bed. Danika hadn't been joking about the planning committee coming to him if he hadn't been willing to go to them.

"I don't think we should take advantage of the Doctor's generosity any more than we need to, so don't get too comfortable here unless you mean to stay on with him." Thorin reminded Kili.

"At least then, Bilbo would have some sane company." Fili chortled.

Kili sat up in the bed and eyed Bilbo. "You're staying with the Doctor?"

"Well, for a short time," Bilbo said, blushing as all eyes were drawn to him. "I can still stomach a little excitement—and I've often wondered what it would be like to share an adventure with him."

Blinking in surprise, Kili rubbed a hand over his face and glanced nervously from person to person. "I'm not sure I really want an answer to this, but have we figured out where we're headed next?"

"We have," Thorin nodded, coming to sit on the edge of the bed. "And there are a few specifics we'll need your help with."

Kili grimaced. He was looking forward to this as much as he'd looked forward to getting shot with an arrow. "Specifics?"

"Don't worry," Danika crawled across the bed to sit shoulder to shoulder with him, brushing her hand against his as if asking for permission to hold it. "You'll like this."

"We found Danika's world and the best way to describe it would be a modern AU. We'll be taking up residencies and employment with the Doctor's help, and you have a say in what you do and how you'll be living."

"You want me to choose my profession?" Kili was pleasantly baffled. "Somehow I thought this would be more torturous."

"We planned the last major even without you," Thorin grinned, "We didn't mind doing it again."

Pursing his lips, Kili found himself staring at his hand in Danika's, stroking her thumb and taking a moment to think. A small part of him felt guilty for once again being "out of the loop", as though he weren't pulling his own weight, but it was overruled by the stronger part of him that was grateful they had taken care of everything, leaving the personal decisions to him.

But even with choice staring him in the face, he couldn't bring himself to speak, let alone consider his options for a trade. He brought his head up. "What will _you_ be doing, uncle?"

Thorin looked amused and crossed his arms. "Something in management… CEO of some lucrative company." He shrugged. "I've done it in other stories; it wasn't so hard. It will give me an opportunity for travel, to have a summer home and a plane that can give me the freedom to visit you whenever you need. I'm taking Bilbo on as a personal assistant—easier to protect him that way—and I'm not sure what Fili has decided on yet. He keeps changing his mind."

"Sigrid wants to go to school." Fili answered from where he leaned against the wall with his arms crossed. "So I think we'll play the part of married students at a University until we can make better plans."

Fili said it so casually, as though the idea of starting over didn't faze him—as though he were excited about the change. Kili, on the other hand, was scared of those circumstances. But at least there was _one _thing in Fili's description Kili found useful…

"Could I have a moment to think over a few things? It won't take long." Kili requested. Thorin nodded at Fili and the two stepped up the stairs and out of the room, leaving behind a worried-looking Bilbo and a curious expression on Danika's face.

"Alone." Kili emphasized as nicely as he could when the hobbit lingered a little too long.

Bilbo rolled his eyes and made his way to the doorway just as Danika slid her legs from the bed, purposing to follow him.

"Wait," Kili reached out for her hand to stop her from leaving. "I didn't mean _alone_ alone."

* * *

><p>"<em>Feel Again" Collington<em>

* * *

><p>"Come here." Danika watched Kili twitch his fingers at her before she got very far from the bed. She glanced in the direction of the doorway, which Bilbo had just left through, and lowered herself to the bed again, sitting beside the dwarf with the coffee-brown eyes. Those eyes stared at her, with serious calculations happening somewhere behind them, and Danika wondered what he was thinking…<p>

"Come here." He repeated, pulling back the covers from his lap. Even fully clothed, Danika was wary of sitting so close to Kili—it wasn't that she questioned his intentions with her, but she was afraid of being too forward with him. But the moment of hesitation passed and she scooted closer, piling into his lap and resting her temple against his neck as he wound his arms around her back and bent knees.

"There was a part of Fili's setup I wouldn't mind adopting… for us." He took a deep breath in.

"I think it would be great if you wanted to take a few classes." Danika said, rubbing at her nose. She had a sneaking suspicion that he wasn't referring to school…

She felt the hum in Kili's throat. "Not exactly what I meant…" She waited patiently for him to continue, another sneaking suspicion entering her mind, though she knew it was just wishful thinking on her part.

"You're my light and warmth," Kili said suddenly. "That's what I said to Fili when you were gone. I've been so cold, all the way down to my bones, that I just got numb to it after a while. Numb to everything. But then you showed up with this ridiculous idea that I mattered and that I could make a few of my own choices. And ever since then…" Danika's heart was beating furiously in her chest, but she did her best to sit still with her face parked in Kili's neck, fearful for showing too much of what she felt as he spoke on.

"I can't even fathom having to go back to my old life—it panics me just to think of it." He said, and Danika could feel the shiver that went through Kili's body and the tremble of his hands. Passing gentle fingers along his jawline and over his chin, she tried to comfort and settle him. Kili reached up and grasped her fingers, bringing them to his lips. "I don't want to face the next story without you. I can't. I won't. I want a new purpose—I want to take care of you and protect you. I don't have much to offer… well, I don't have _anything_ to offer, except myself…"

Danika reflected on the irony of the situation—having started their first story in humor and rejection of the romance they felt they were being forced into, and here she was: listening to a tentative proposal and wondering if she was allowed to enjoy it as much as she was._ Absolutely_, she thought. Readers and writers could debate it until the cows came home, but this came down to what _she_ wanted.

"Is that a roundabout way of asking me to be your wife?" She smiled, refusing to meet his eyes, but he pulled away from her enough to see her face and looked at her with determined eyes.

"No," He said, and for a moment, she was afraid she'd assumed too much from what he was saying, but then he smiled at her and gave her a wink. "It's a very long explanation of why I'd like to be your husband."

"Same thing," Danika ducked her blushing face back into his neck, trying to suppress overjoyed laughter. "Except that it wasn't a question."

"You're right, it's not."

Adopting a fake horrified expression—tinged with amusement—her jaw dropped and she looked up into his face. "Excuse me? So, I don't get a say?"

"If I asked you, would you say yes?"

"Well, yes, but—"

"Then there's no point in asking if I already know what the answer is." He smirked.

"Oh, for the love of all things good and green! That's no way to propose!" They heard Bilbo shout from the doorway with his hands on his hips. He held up a pointed finger. "Do you not have a _single_ romantic bone in your body?"

Kili and Danika looked at each other and then back at Bilbo, shaking their heads and answering in unison, "No."

"Ugh!" The hobbit threw his hands up in disgust , leaving the entryway.

Kili sneered at the empty doorway and then glanced nervously at Danika. "I'm romantic, aren't I?"

"Absolutely," Danika purred, snuggling into her handsome dwarf. "Just not in the conventional way."

"I've learned you have a distaste for the conventional." Kili snickered. "But I'm glad to know I'm doing something right."

"I don't need roses and chocolate and poems," Danika said with a snort. "Just be honest and real, that's good enough for me." She took in a surprised breath when Kili's lips made contact with hers, travelling down to her neck and murmuring his appreciation of her practicality, when Bilbo's head appeared in the doorway again.

"He said he'll do it." The hobbit announced.

"Bilbo Baggins!" Kili shouted as he glared. "Is it your new hobby to creep behind corners and appear at exactly the wrong moment?"

"Kili," Danika scolded softly, laying a calming hand on his chest, waiting until he had taken in and released a few frustrated breaths. Directing her attention to the blushing hobbit, she asked, "_Who_ says they'll do _what_?"

"The Doctor," Bilbo sheepishly pointed behind him. "Says he'll marry you here, if you like. I asked him."

Kili's eyebrows rose and his head turned quickly, looking like he was gauging Danika's reaction. His expression irked her, though, because she knew what was going to happen—she would say something like, "Whatever you're comfortable with," and he'd respond with, "No, whatever _you're_ comfortable with", and the two of them would tentatively dance around their real thoughts in an effort to make sure one wasn't forcing the other into something they didn't want, and effectively giving neither of them what they wanted.

But Danika refused to play that game. She knew it was terribly forward, but she could also see that look of longing in Kili's eye. "_I'd_ like that very much."

"Whenever you're ready." Bilbo beamed and he disappeared through the door again—and this time, Danika knew he would not return.

"I wish I knew what you were thinking," Kili scanned her face. "You said not to assume, but I thought you'd want the ceremony, the white dress, the—"

Danika quickly pulled away from Kili and planted her feet on the floor, peeling off her jacket and socks. "I know you said you're not familiar with The Doctor, but _I am_—and believe me when I say that it's every girl's dream to get married in the Tardis."

Kili snorted with laughter, watching her movements as she started unbuttoning her shirt, but then she realized he wasn't moving and scolded him with a raised brow. "Now, off with you! I need to get ready."

Rising to his knees on the bed, Kili walked on them across the mattress until he was close enough to put his hands on Danika's waist. "Look at you, wasting no time. What are you doing?"

"White dress," She pointed at the sheets on the bed. "I'm sure I can work something out in a few minutes."

"Do you want help?" His index finger brushed over one of the lower buttons on her shirt, but she smacked his hand and pointed at the doorway.

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><p>"<em>Inland" Jars of Clay<em>

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><p>Kili wasn't surprised when the Doctor agreed to marry Danika and Kili on the main deck of the Tardis—as though there had been a chance of him saying no, especially when Bilbo made an enthusiastic display of his support!<p>

But it had shaken Kili a little when Danika had called Fili into the guest room with her; Kili's feet kept him where he was, but his eyes followed his brother as the blonde dwarf disappeared through the archway.

Bilbo fluttered around the Tardis, panicking over the setting not being decorated for a ceremony, but Kili leaned against the console of the blue box with a half-smile, knowing Danika didn't want anything dramatic. The woman was as casual as they came and any fuss made over her would have made her uncomfortable. She had assured him before he left the guest room that she was more concerned with making the most of their time before they settled into a new life—and Kili wasn't about to argue with that.

Fili appeared again, ascending the stairs and sending Kili a wink as he came to stand beside his brother, when a bare foot padded against the floor under the archway.

Attached to it was a pale leg, and then another foot came into view. Danika had pulled the white sheet from the bed to wrap it around her chest and lower body, the excess of which flowed on the floor behind her. Somehow, Fili had cut the fabric in such a way that it tied in the back and looked very much like a tailor-made dress. This was the first time Kili had seen Danika's bare shoulders and he found himself eyeing the milky skin along her collarbone and arms.

With her hair pulled up in a braid that crowned around her head and into a bun behind her left ear, she was a picture of simplicity—and still more lovely than anything Kili had ever seen. It made his jaw drop.

It suddenly dawned on him, what he was about to do—he'd been paired with women of all races, sizes, and ages, but this was the first time he'd chosen someone himself. This was the only woman who had ever looked into the deepest, darkest parts of him and didn't listen to the self-loathing he scolded himself with, but encouraged him with what little good there was. She refused to let him bury himself under a mountain of grief and made him feel lighter, as though it were permissible for him to live, to enjoy things again.

"I love you." He whispered, taking her hand when she came alongside him.

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><p>.<p>

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**Tune in next time for HOW TO SURVIVE A MODERN AU, the third installment in our story!**

**First of all, yay for impromptu wedding dresses made out of bedsheets; secondly, yay for weddings in a Tardis! **

**Phew, drama's done for now- now our heroes get to settle into their new lives in a modern setting- that portion of the story hasn't been entirely planned yet, so if you have any ideas, leave 'em in the reviews (just like you did for the other stories- those ideas were so amazingly helpful, the chapters wouldn't be what they were without your imaginations!) I've honestly got an image of Kili doing something like Leopold (from Kate & Leopold) and wondering what to do with the shaving cream and accidentally spraying it all over the mirror. He's been in a few modern stories, but I'm sure there are SOME things he's not familiar with ;) Lemme know what you think!**

**By the way, just so you know, there's going to be a segment pretty soon with Kili and Danika going to the movie theater to watch The Battle of Five Armies- I'll be covering both of their reactions to it (but I won't post spoilers until next Saturday, so it'll be fair game by then!)**


	25. Kili's First Bike

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**III**

**HOW TO SURVIVE A MODERN AU**

**-Adventures in a Mundane World-**

_**Chapter 1 – Kili's First Bike**_

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><p><em>You HAVE to listen to this song while you read this! <em>"_Til Kingdom Come" Coldplay_

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><p>Kili felt Danika's arms come together tightly around his torso, holding him around his ribs as her hair swept past her in the strong wind passing by. The rumble of the motorcycle beneath wasn't as loud as the whistling of the air as it rushed over his ears, deafening him to all else.<p>

Danika's chin rested on Kili's back and he was suddenly grateful that he'd tied back his long hair—it might have whipped into her face otherwise—and she snuggled closer to him, peeking around his shoulder at the amazing sight in front of them. They were on a single road made of faded, grey asphalt with long, flat tracks of land on either side of the road and a scattering of small mountains in the distance before them.

Kili's hands were stretched out on the handles of the motorcycle, but he squeezed his upper arms to hug down on hers around his ribs, keeping his gaze forward though he didn't need to turn his head to see her smile. Behind aviator sunglasses, he was smiling as well. And he had every reason to.

Freedom. New life. New surroundings. Bright blue sky, green cactus brimming with yellow, white, and pink flowers, and red mountains. He'd never seen rocks in that color, more accustomed to the dreary grey of his homeland, but it impressed him. The desert was alive with more color than he'd expected and it immediately enticed him into becoming excited for this change he'd originally been so afraid of.

The Arizona spring was warm over them and the wind that beat against them filled and ruffled their light clothing as both looked forward and enjoyed the freedom and speed of the motorcycle. He'd never lived in a desert before, but this was where Danika was from and he was already enjoying the feel of sun on his skin, the dry heat reaching all the way to his core.

_I could get very used to this_, Kili grinned even wider.

"I knew you'd like the bike," Danika called to him, and he was surprised he could hear her over the wind.

Oh, yes—riding through the warm desert on a motorcycle with his wife just behind him—he could get very, very used to this.

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><p>.<p>

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**Can't you just feel the freedom when you listen to that song while you read?**

**And yes, I'm from the desert, so driving with the top down while passing through the less civilized parts is one of my favorite things to do!**

**In the next chapter, we'll see their new digs and see how Kili reacts to neighbors**


	26. Nightmares

**III**

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**HOW TO SURVIVE A MODERN AU**

_**Chapter 2 – Nightmares**_

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><p>"<em>Demons (acoustic—live in London)" Imagine Dragons<em>

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><p>Danika stepped out of the shower to towel-dry herself when she heard the sound. It was a soft and breathy, but consistent, and she wondered if it was just normal, everyday background noise from the hotel room. But as she slipped her robe sleeves over her arms and tied the front of it, she walked barefoot into the bedroom and her heart stopped.<p>

Kili was sitting on the floor with his back against the side of the bed, knees bent and hands holding his temples as he took measured breaths. She could see his wrists shaking and noted that the room was cold—was the air conditioner really on that high?— and uncomfortably stuffy.

"Kili?" Danika took a tentative step toward him and he continued to breathe in an out faster than was normal.

He didn't seem to hear her, so she sat down next to him and put a hand on his knee, hoping she wouldn't startle him by touching him. It wasn't often he ended up like this, but she was already familiar with these moments. He was strong and resilient, but the mind could only take so much before his body and mind refused to function—so many different stories he'd had to live and then an experience of traveling through other universes… something was bound to overwhelm him sooner or later.

Leaning forward and stretching her finger to the air conditioner, Danika turned it off and reached over her head for the blankets, surrounding Kili in a protective barrier and waiting until he returned to reality on his own. She sat beside him patiently, stroking her fingers through his hair and keeping a blank face—she knew that when Kili surfaced from his lapse, he would eagerly be looking for a reaction from her to convince himself that he was either safe or in danger, and she'd already made the mistake once of panicking while he did.

Kili's breaths seemed to be slowing and Danika allowed herself to breathe a small sigh of relief. As if waking up from a dream, his eyes roamed over his surroundings and locked onto her face. She thought that his expression looked grateful at first, but then it melted into shame. It was obvious that he was embarrassed in having this problem, but Danika didn't think any less of him for it—having seen him in battle and knowing what lengths he would go to in protecting those he loved. No amount of reassurance convinced him, though; even strong minds could succumb to fear, Danika had said, but Kili despised the anxiety attacks and looked at them as a weakness he shouldn't be showing.

"I turned off the air, it should warm up in here pretty quickly." Danika said, rubbing his arms through the blanket.

He nodded, but didn't say anything.

"Kili," Danika scooted closer to him, wrapping an arm around his shoulders. "Maybe this is too much change, too soon." She peered into his face, but he refused to meet her eyes. "Maybe we should head somewhere more familiar."

"Familiar?" He croaked.

"Somewhere… more green, maybe." She kissed his cheek and rested her head on his shoulder. "A place where we can plant a garden, maybe have rocking chairs on our porch and watch the fireflies in the evening. You told me you lived in a setting like that once, and that you liked it. Maybe the desert is just too different."

"Maybe." Kili nodded his head with a look that said he was considering her words. "I'm sorry."

"Don't apologize, you've done nothing wrong." She patted his shoulder, standing up and offering him a hand. She knew she couldn't possibly be of any help in getting his heavy, thick body off of the floor, but she was glad that Kili humored her and took her hand. "_I'm_ sorry. You woke up alone, I know you don't like that. Next time, I won't shower until you're up and about."

Kili snorted in disgust. "You shouldn't have to do that. I'm not a child."

"Stop it." Danika held up a finger. "We're not doing this again. You're not a child—you're a brave and handsome dwarf who's carried his fair load of extremes for long enough," she untied the knot of the sash and let the robe fall from her shoulders. "And you're _all mine_ to take care of."

"Hmm." The corner of his mouth twitched into a lopsided smile. "When you put it that way…" His fingers brushed against the skin at her hips. "Maybe I don't mind you taking care of me."

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><p>"<em>Thinking Out Loud" Ed Sheeran<em>

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><p>Kili took a sip from his cup of coffee and sighed happily. It didn't matter what temperature they rode through—Arizona, New Mexico, or Oklahoma, as they'd travelled the distance—a hot mug of black coffee did the trick in settling Kili's nerves.<p>

Danika reached over the table of the diner for the container of sugar and proceeded to drop the majority of the shaker's contents into her own mug of coffee.

Kili sneered. "I don't understand how you can drink something so sickeningly sweet." Resting his elbows on the table across from her, he shifted his seating on the uncomfortable booth and watched her smile smugly at him.

"Saccherine." She said after she began to stir the sugar in.

"Sacha-what?" Kili's eyebrows came together.

"It means 'sickeningly sweet'. That's the word you're looking for." Danika winked at him.

"Does it, now?" He grinned and shook his head, pulling the wrinkled map out of his black, denim jacket pocket. Unfolding the map on the table, his eyes searched for their location, tracking their progress over the long road.

"Georgia." Danika pointed at their end goal. "Green, but still warm. And it's closer to Fili and Sigrid."

Kili nodded, tracing their route with a pencil and remembering her first description of it. It had taken a few days for Kili to reconcile with the idea of leaving the desert, but Danika was persuasive and his resistance died down quickly when she gave him a description of the land that awaited them. And somehow… distance from Fili had made things worse. As many times as the two were at odds with each other, Fili was still a part of home for Kili.

"And it has _fireflies_." Kili added with a smile, knowing it was more a point of interest for her than him.

"Yes, it does." She smiled back, rubbing her foot along his leg under the table.

"We're going to have to pace ourselves. That motorcycle can't be comfortable for your backside after three days of riding."

"Or yours." Danika fixed him with a stern look. He laughed at that—always turning everything around on him!—and took up the map, folding it before returning it to his jacket and then taking her hand on the table.

"Tell me when you need a longer break than a few hours." He insisted, letting her know she wasn't the only concerned spouse. "I don't mind lingering for a few days."

"Neither do I." She squeezed his hand. "I wasn't joking when I said this was the way I wanted to spend my honeymoon."

"I still don't really believe that." He rolled his eyes and took a sip of his coffee. "I still think we should get a car."

"We will. But I'm not making you get rid of the motorcycle."

_Thank you_. He thought, inwardly. Kili didn't mind how different it was to drive a car instead of riding a pony, but the bike came close enough to make it familiar. And there were already so many things he was having to adapt to.

Like the sudden burst of music coming from the phone in his pocket.

"That's you." Danika said before she drank her coffee.

Phones. Kili would rather have done without, but Thorin had insisted on getting his nephew the latest model and paying for the service of it to keep tabs on both him and Fili. Shoving his hand into his pocket and touching the screen of the phone to accept the call, Kili rolled his eyes.

"Yes?"

"That's not how you answer a phone-call." Said Fili's voice on the other side of the line.

"That's not how you answer a phone-call." Said Danika from across the table.

"Oh, shove off." Kili shook his head at both of them. "Did you need something?"

"Just wanted to see if you'd passed into Alabama, yet."

"Nope. We're resting at the border of Oklahoma."

"Please, tell me it's the border of Oklahoma and Arkensas." Fili moaned.

"Other side," Kili snorted a laugh. "New Mexico. Anxious much?"

"You're just taking your time, is all."

"Fili," Kili groaned. "I'm on my honeymoon. Are you really calling me to tell me to hurry up?"

"Yes." Even Danika could hear the answer from where she sat, and she sent Kili an "aww" look. "Let me talk to your wife."

"And let you convince her to speed things up? Not a chance." Kili mashed the button to end the call and jammed the phone back into his pocket.

"And _that's_ not how you _end_ a phone-call." Danika tutted. Her own phone began to ring and Kili knew it was his brother without seeing her look of recognition at the screen. While Kili had been hesitant to accept a phone from Thorin, he couldn't speak for his wife—who gratefully accepted Thorin's offer to her, knowing that if Kili was in a mood to refuse calls, _she_ wouldn't.

"Stop whining." Danika muttered in response to something Fili said. "You're the one that chose to go to that school, if you don't like it—" He said something to make her pause. "Fili…Fili, no, we're not talking about that, yet. And no, I don't want you discussing it with him first."

Danika mouthed "sorry" at Kili before doing exactly what he'd done before: ending the call and putting the phone back into her pocket.

"What was that?" Kili raised an eyebrow at her.

"Nothing," She shook her head. "He still thinks we should settle in a neighborhood with the white picket fence and the children who go to school together."

"And what do you think about that?" Kili asked. In all honesty, he wasn't sure what she really wanted out of a life with him, and they hadn't spoken much of it because she was hesitant to talk when they were still figuring out where to settle. And it was ironic, but somehow a cookie-cutter life in a mundane world frightened him more than charging towards danger in another world.

"I haven't decided yet." She pressed her lips into a line with an open expression. "I'll tell the truth when I have, I promise. But for now, this—" She turned her head and smiled at the open window, "—traveling with you is perfect." Rising and leaning over the table, she lowered her face to his and kissed him quickly before sitting down and finishing her coffee.

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><p>.<p>

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**I apologize, there was a problem with the chapters, so if you feel like you missed one, just go back in the chapter selection and read the one before "Kili's First Bike". Also, thank you to those who informed me of the chapter title mistake (I really appreciate that). Any time you find typos or errors, please please please bring those to my attention. I usually have a friend edit for me, but this story has just been a casual adventure and I didn't want to take up their time.**

**Next up: **

**Georgia, Fili and Sigrid, and neighbors Kili doesn't get along with**


	27. Blood On the Floor

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**III**

**HOW TO SURVIVE A MODERN AU**

**Chapter 4 – Blood On the Floor**

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><p>"<em>Chord Left" Agnes Obel<em>

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><p>Kili thought it would be as simple as walking into the bathroom and surprising his wife by coming home to their apartment early—he'd just returned from a job interview and felt pretty good about his chances, and hearing the running water from the shower, he knew where to find her—but Kili should have known that nothing, not even a "boring" life in a mundane world, would ever allow him to have it that easy.<p>

What he walked in on was as just as gruesome and horrifying as the memories of his battle fictions! Slumped against the wall with a trickle of blood running from her head was Danika, legs outstretched on the tile floor, which looked to be covered with… something that almost looked like brain matter, though his mind fought hard against the notion. Adrenaline erupted from his core and pumped outward, his mind racing to determine the severity of his wife's injuries and calculations for whether or not the threat was still among them or had already left.

No, the threat was still there, Kili's senses told him, and he crouched in a defensive position as his ears alerted him to movement behind him, within the bedroom. Before the intruder even came into view, Kili launched himself beyond the door and tackled the person's midsection, flipping them onto their back and pressing a heavy hand against their neck while the other hand clenched into a fist, ready to deliver a crushing blow.

"Who the hell are you?" He shouted into the startled face.

"Kili!" He heard behind him, and he looked back to see that Danika had crawled away from the wall. "It's okay! Let her go—she's a friend!"

"A friend?" In puzzlement, Kili looked down at the person's face, just above where he was squeezing a thin neck.

Sure enough, the red haze faded away and he noted the woman's features: Curly red hair, pale skin peppered with freckles, and eyelashes that looked unrealistically long. The woman's expression turned from shocked to sour in an instant and she pushed Kili's hand away from her neck with a curse.

"Stand down." The woman ordered, lifting herself up from the floor and stepping over to Danika. The woman lifted Kili's wife up under the shoulders and set her to sit on the closed toilet seat, reaching into the shower to turn the water off before turning her attentions back to Danika.

Kili remained petrified where he knelt in their bedroom, his ears filling with some sort of throbbing and his vision clouding while his mind was trying to process everything he'd seen and wondering how it had suddenly become okay…

"Hold this on your head," He heard the woman say to Danika before the redhead stepped slowly in front of Kili.

"Killian?" He heard above his head, but he couldn't move. Killian? Who was Killian? Oh, wait. That's right, that was his "full name" while they occupied the modern story—how ironic that this person was trying to get his attention with a name that wasn't really his.

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><p>"<em>Angels" The Xx<em>

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><p>Danika pressed the wet towel to her head, hoping she didn't look as bad as Kili made it seem, but a glance to the mirror told her it was even worse than that.<p>

_It looks like someone tried to bludgeon me to death,_ she groaned inwardly. And it probably didn't help things that she'd vomited all over the bathroom floor. Yeah, Kili's initial reaction shouldn't have surprised her.

"Killian?" She heard Wren say to Kili. Their next door neighbor, Wren, was a God-sent—invaluable in keeping Danika's spirits up and proving herself to be a friend Danika could be herself with. So, it came as no surprise that Danika sent a text message the doctor-in-training when Danika had fallen in the shower.

"Killian?" Wren repeated, and Danika leaned to see through the bathroom door.

Kili was kneeling, hunched over, and staring at the floor with wide eyes, unhearing and unspeaking. Their neighbor, Wren, had dropped to her own knees in front of him, scanning him over and putting a hand under his chin to bring his head up.

"Killian, if you can hear me, you need to respond." Wren spoke in a firm tone that said she was in nurse-mode. Danika watched as Kili gave the smallest of nods, the curtain of his long hair obscuring his face.

"Okay, Kili," Wren spoke in a strong, slow tone meant for calming—it would have sounded condescending to anyone else, but to Danika it meant Wren was trying to let Kili know everything was under control. "You're having an anxiety attack and I need to you count in your head for me—start with one hundred and work your way down—I'm going to get up in a moment to take care of your wife, but I need you to try and breathe your way through this, all right?"

In their long conversations together, it had come up more than once that Kili was a "war veteran", and Danika was relieved when Wren assumed she'd meant as a soldier in Iraq, but even though the source was a lie, the resulting trauma was still the same.

Kili continued to stare at nothing, his shallow breathing causing Danika to think that he might already be counting, and his head twitched in subtle duck that might pass for a nod.

"Blanket." Danika called softly. "Can you give him a blanket?"

Rising and tearing the quilt from their bed, Wren pulled it over Kili's shoulders before returning to the bathroom. Oblivious to it, Kili made no movement as the quilt began to slide down one of his shoulders. It must have been obvious that Danika was about to get up to correct the blanket because Wren put a firm hand on Danika's shoulder and shook her head.

"Nope. Sit. I don't want you to fall again. He'll come out of it himself, and when he does, he won't want to see _this_." She raised a lip at the floor, reaching for a towel from the rack and wiping at the mess under Danika's feet.

"You don't have to do that." Danika whined. "It's gross, I can do it."

"Shutup and say thank you." Wren smirked, scrubbing the last remnants of sick off of the floor.

Danika grumbled. "Thank you."

"How does your head feel?" Wren threw the dirty towel into the shower and put her hands on her hips, looking down at Danika with clinical eyes.

"Throbbing. Sharp right here." Her finger hovered over her forehead.

"That's because you have a small cut." The nurse said as she ducked to look into the bathroom cabinets. "Even a small cut can bleed like crazy, though." Bringing out the antiseptic, Wren poured some of it into a hand towel and pressed it lightly against Danika's injury. The medicine stung and Danika couldn't hold back the hiss, but her eyes darted to Kili when she realized her sound had caused him to move.

Brushing away the blanket and rising to his feet, Kili strode into the bathroom with an aggressively determined expression, passing by Wren without acknowledging her and kneeling in front of Danika, seemingly afraid of touching her.

"What happened?" Came the breathy rasp, his eyebrows pressed together and his intense look of concern making Kili's face look older than it was.

"I'm okay, really," Danika tried to smile at him, but he looked so scared that she was having a hard time focusing on anything but calming him down. "I slipped in the shower—it was so stupid, I thought only old ladies do that!—and my head started bleeding like crazy and it freaked me out—when I saw how much blood there was, I threw up—and then I called Wren because she's a nurse—and Wren is awesome and came over even though she just got off a double-shift—and I'm really okay—"

Kili's arms wrapped around her middle and Danika took in a sharp breath as he burrowed his face into her stomach, dry sobs coming out in muffled breaths against her waist, and an awkward-looking Wren silently waved goodbye to Danika before disappearing through the bathroom door. The sound of the front door shutting told Danika they were alone.

"I thought they came for you again," Kili moaned into her shirt.

"I really am okay, now," Danika promised, her eyes threatening to fill up with tears. "But you freaked me out a little, attacking our neighbor like that."

"It wouldn't help things if I said I thought she was an orc, would it?"

Danika snorted. "No, not really—she's not tall enough. She might pass for a skinny hobbit, though." Danika laughed, relieved to see the quirk of a smile on her husband's face.

"Woman," He adopted a pretend irked expression. "I leave you alone for one hour—one effing hour—and you have to go and scare me half to death. Do I have to start defending you from shower stalls, now?" Kili shook his head, moving his hands up and down her back and taking in a shaky breath. "What were you even doing—"

"I was dancing in the shower," Danika rolled her eyes.

"Dancing?" Kili sneered. "In the shower?"

"I was trying to get my groove on to Taylor Swift."

Kili gagged. "Sweetheart, _no one_ gets their groove on to Taylor Swift. You've got to be mental if you like her."

"Well, I _am_ mental," Danika grinned widely, "as you have told me time and time again—and you haven't heard her new song, so you can't judge me."

"Oh, yes, I can," Kili growled playfully, and Danika's heart swelled with relief that he was no longer upset or scared over her ridiculous incident. "I've got that right and more, as a husband. And right now, I'm going to act on my right to take care of you."

"Do you sit around thinking up cheesy lines like that, or do they just come to you on the spot?" Danika stuck her tongue out at him while he slipped his arms under her knees and shoulders, pulling her close to his chest and carrying her into their living room.

"They're usually a spur of the moment," Kili winked at her, touching his forehead to hers. "Because I'm just _that_ good."

Laying her down on their couch and retrieving the quilt from their bedroom, Kili made a production of getting Danika comfortable. After fifteen minutes of the dwarf—or rather, man, in this story—moving like a whirlwind through their apartment, Danika was wearing her fuzzy slippers, wrapped in the quilt with a warm cup of tea, a plate of several pieces of toast on the coffee table where her feet were propped up, and the screen of their television was flickering to life.

"I'm not sick," Danika laughed, "I have a head injury."

"You never let me spoil you; I have to take my opportunities where I can get 'em." Kili muttered, holding up the television remote and taking a sip from the dark, brown glass bottle he held in his other hand.

"So, I get tea and _you_ get beer?" Danika raised a playful eyebrow at him. "That doesn't seem fair."

"_I_ can throw back a Guinness, _I_ don't have a head-wound." He raised the bottle defiantly in another sip.

"It's not a head-wound," Danika rolled her eyes.

"You don't even _like_ Guinness drought—you said it tastes like coffee."

"It does! And I still have some Blue Moon left in the fridge."

"Not until you've been given the go-ahead from our friend, the doctor." Kili argued.

"Ugh," Danika groaned. "Please tell me you don't mean The Doctor, please tell me you're referring to our neighbor."

"I was," Kili set down his beer and crossed his arms. "But now that you've mentioned it, I'm considering sending for the other one."

Danika pushed back the blanket and set down the tea, facing Kili with frustration. "It was an accident, even in _this_ world there are accidents, you can't keep me safe from everything—"

"Watch me." Kili's brows turned down as he looked at his crossed arms. Danika's mood fell when she began to understand the darkness of the cloud over her husband's head.

"Kili," She reached out to touch his arm, trying to meet his eyes. "That's no way to live. I know you love me, but what you're afraid of… you have to face it, some day one of us is going to leave the other."

Kili's eyes shot up and pierced hers, and Danika realized how those words could be misconstrued. "That's _not_ what I meant—listen, one of us is going to die or fade off or whatever it is that happens to characters when a story is over. We have _no_ control over that—but we do have some control over _now_. We need to savor what we have _now_."

It looked to Danika as though this was the furthest thing from Kili's mind, but she didn't know how to say it to him any other way. Whether or not he accepted those words was all on him and she had done her best to make her case. But acceptance or no, _distracting_ him from his mood wouldn't hurt things—and seeing as Danika's head wasn't throbbing quite as badly as it had been…

"That's _my_ plan, anyway." She grinned, scooting closer to him. He didn't seem to notice her wry smile, but he welcomed her into his arms all the same. Turning her head up and pressing feathery kisses to his jawline, Danika smoothed a hand over his chest and let her fingers linger over the lines of his muscles, loving the feel of thin, soft cotton over the searing heat of his skin. Her other hand came to rest over his bicep and she gave it a gentle squeeze, looking into his face and biting her lip as she waited for him to get the message.

Dark-brown eyes finally met hers and his face relaxed as Kili's arm twitched, obviously understanding what it was her small hand was asking him for. Flexing his bicep until it bulged under her hand, he grinned at her when she let out a girly squeal.

"Why do you like that so much?" He watched her in amusement.

"Because you're hot!" Danika clapped giddily. "Do it again."

Kili snorted a laugh, shaking his head and rolling his eyes, but complying nonetheless. Another squeal erupted from Danika's lips, but this time it was muffled by a pair of warm lips and the scrape of a stubble-lined chin.

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><p><strong>Thank you for your patience, next chapter in a few days!<strong>

**.**

**Want some Thorin/OC romance/angst? ****Try ****JEWELS AND DAGGERS**

_**Just as Thorin becomes engaged to be married, the dragon attacks Erebor and all is thrown into chaos! Men with wicked intent take captive some of the wandering dwarves- will Thorin, Frerin, and Dwalin be able to rescue the enslaved dwarves, including Runa, Thorin's beloved?**_

**.**

**Want some****Kili/Tauriel romance/adventure? Try ****STARS AND HAMMERS**

_**Fluff, Drama, Romance, Hurt/Comfort - This is a compilation of one-shots following Kili and Tauriel's one-year adventure as they accompany Bilbo back to The Shire (after the Battle of Five Armies) and then return to Erebor.**_

**.**

**Want some Fili/OC romance/adventure? Try ****GOLD AND FIRE**

_**Fili and Nur marry in secret just before he leaves for Erebor, but what is a lonely wife to do while her husband is braving life and death for their future? Covers the Battle of Five Armies and afterward.**_**_Explanations for some of the actions within the movies as well as some behind the scenes! A sequel to_ GEMS AND POISON**


	28. The One Where Everyone Blushes

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**III**

**HOW TO SURVIVE A MODERN AU**

**Chapter 5 – The One Where Everyone Blushes**

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><p>Danika's eyes became wide as she answered her front door to admit a tired-looking Wren. "What happened to <em>you<em>?"

"I fell down the stairs," Wren grumbled, her English accent more pronounced with her embarrassment, holding up a gift bag. "I brought the cheese." She added in an obvious attempt to divert Danika's attention.

"Forget the cheese, do you need some ice?" Danika pointed at the pink, irritated skin on her friend's shoulder.

"It looks worse than it is," Wren rolled her eyes. "One of the curses of being skinny and pale—I bruise easily." But the nurse refused to let Danika dwell on it and stepped past her, setting the bag on Danika's coffee table and unloading its contents. "Besides, it happened half an hour ago. I'm fine."

"Well, let me know if you need—" Danika started to say, but another knock struck the door. Stepping back over to open it, she was met with a bear-hug and a lock of blonde hair in her face.

"Merry Christmas!" Fili practically shouted with a wide smile.

"Merry Christmas, _Philip_." Danika emphasized the name, hoping he would get the hint that there was someone else there. Showing his understanding with a wink, he strode into the living room of the small apartment and offered a hand to the stranger.

It was obvious from the way Wren blushed that Fili was having an effect on her and Danika rolled her eyes as they shook hands. "They need your help in the kitchen," she elbowed him, plopping down next to Wren on the couch and scooping up her glass of wine from the table.

Wren let out an unsteady breath as Fili removed himself from the room and Danika scooted closer to her friend on the couch.

"You married into a very handsome family." Wren whispered, cocking her head at Danika.

Danika just about choked on her sip and couldn't hold back a laugh. "Um… yes, I guess they are." It amused her that Wren, usually so cryptic about her likes and dislikes regarding men, had said something so straightforward. "Fili's not exactly on the market, though—he's married."

Wren let out a small breath that Danika thought meant to express disappointment, but she didn't let Wren linger long on it. "However, his uncle isn't."

The red-head's eyebrows rose. "So the brunette and the golden poster boy are taken and you're offering me their stuffy, old uncle?" Wren laughed. "No, thank you."

"You obviously haven't seen their uncle." Danika's cheeks went red when she thought of her own first thoughts of Thorin, but Wren interrupted those thoughts.

"So, why are we having Christmas in the end of Spring?"

"Oh, that. Kili and Fili were still in the military service around Christmas time, so we didn't get to celebrate it properly. We're all about family, so this is a really big deal for them."

Wren smiled, looking around the room. "I can tell—your apartment is always so homey. Even though he doesn't talk much to me, when Kili _does_ speak, it's to say something about you or his brother. Do we get to meet his wife, or is—"

But Wren's words caught in her throat and Danika looked for whatever it was that had made her friend take on a horrified expression.

"Who's that?" Wren whispered, ducking a little behind Danika on the couch.

"That's the stuffy, old uncle." Danika laughed as Thorin stepped out of the kitchen with a bowl of nuts. "I don't know if you two have met, yet. This is—"

"Wren." Thorin nodded at the woman whose blush spread all throughout her face.

"John." She nodded at him, refusing to meet his eyes.

"Nevermind then," Danika looked back and forth between them. "How do you know…?"

"He caught me when I fell down the stairs." Wren muttered in embarrassment, and Danika wondered if she was trying to become a part of the couch, though she had enough sense to speak in an unwavering voice. "And carried me back up them before he picked up my groceries from all over the floor…"

"And you brought the cheese," Thorin beamed at the assortment on the coffee table. "Which is perfect because I have something to pair it with." He held out the bowl, either oblivious to Wren's embarrassment or ignoring it. "You seem to have cultured taste, I hope you like these nuts."

It took a good amount of Danika's willpower not to burst into loud laughter, feeling a blush break out on her own face as she rose from the couch, intending to let the two speak to each other in a more private setting—though, from the look on Wren's face, it was the last thing the nurse wanted.

"I'm going to see if they need my help in the kitchen." Danika grinned as she walked away.

"Traitor," She heard Wren whisper as she left the room, and she knew that later on she was going to pay for having left her friend alone with Thorin. Entering the kitchen and leaning against the wall furthest from the entrance, she let out all the laughter she'd been holding in, surprising Kili and Fili who stopped what they were doing to stare at her with curiosity.

"Sorry, sorry," She held a hand over her mouth, clutching her glass of wine and hoping the grip wouldn't break it. "Thorin, he just… oh, you should have been there."

Kili shook his head at her, smiling and turning his attention back to the pot he was stirring. "Enjoying yourself out there while I slave away in here?"

"Hey," Danika smacked his shoulder lightly. "I offered to cook and you wouldn't let me. Sigrid and I could have rocked Christmas dinner, but you insisted on 'spoiling' us." She took a sip of her wine and turned her head to Fili. "Speaking of which, where is she?"

"She said she couldn't buy a Christmas gift for me if I was there with her." Fili rolled his eyes. "Said she was fine shopping by herself. She's a lot more comfortable in this setting than I am, that's for sure."

"School not what you thought it would be?" Danika leaned against the refrigerator.

"Sigrid's thriving there." Fili nodded his head, moving to stand alongside Danika as Kili opened the oven to check on the roast. "I just think I need something more hands-on."

Danika heard another knock at the door, but Fili squeezed her elbow and told her he would answer it, guessing it was Sigrid and leaving Danika and Kili alone in the kitchen.

"Mm, finally," Kili muttered, closing the oven door and glancing through the archway of the kitchen before quickly turning to Danika and taking her into his arms for a crushing kiss. Nearly dropping her drink, Danika squirmed in his grip to set the glass on the countertop and wrapped her arms around his waist, greedily kissing him again.

"Everyone keeps coming in here," Kili grumbled against her lips, licking the corner.

She was certain her face was flushed and Danika smiled into another kiss. "You're the one that invited them over—you want to throw them all out so we can be alone?" She raised an eyebrow in a mock-scolding manner.

"Maybe," He breathed against her cheek before running his nose along her jawline. "Maybe I'll toss 'em all out and you can wear nothing but that apron."

"An apron?" Danika pushed him away and pointed at the oven, reminding him of the roast. "Apron's aren't sexy." She wiggled her hips at him as she walked behind him.

"Yeah, but _you_ are," he grinned mischievously at her, smacking her bottom as she made her way out and eliciting a giddy squeal from her.

"Behave!" She pointed at him before ducking out of the kitchen and dodging another smack to her rump. Shaking her head, Danika looked into the living room and was relieved to find Thorin and Wren actually talking to each other in what looked like a civilized conversation, though she couldn't imagine how Thorin had managed to press past Wren's embarrassment.

Sigrid had arrived, just as Fili predicted, and she held a box with a wide, professionally-tied bow. Danika went about the room playing hostess, offering Sigrid a glass and prompting her to choose from their assortment of wines, but the smiling blonde woman insisted she was fine, even passing on the offer of coffee.

"Dinner's not going to be ready for another twenty minutes, so I suggest we start opening presents," Kili said, clapping his hands together before ducking under the Christmas tree and pressing a box into Danika's hands. Sitting on the arm of the couch, Danika grinned at Kili in amusement, wondering what he could be so anxious for her to open in front of everyone. The box was small, no bigger than the palm of her hand, and Danika felt obligated to open it when there were several sets of eyes watching her expectantly.

After a small rip of the wrapping paper and the opening of a lid, Danika realized she was holding a smaller black, velvet jewelry box and she raised her head with wide eyes as if to ask Kili if she was holding what she thought she was holding.

He nodded at her with a beaming smile, waving at her to lift the lid—it was a ring, a thin band of gold that held three small stones, two white on either side of one purple gem in the center.

"Kili," Danika breathed in awe, "Is this the one that…"

"You were telling me what you wanted and then we saw it in that shop just outside the café in Oklahoma, remember?" He was leaning against the wall opposite of her, arms crossed and the biggest smile Danika had ever seen him wear. "I wasn't able to get you a proper ring before we married, so I thought 'better late then never'."

After a moment of staring at the ring in shock, Danika realized Kili had come to kneel in front of her, pulling the ring from the box and slipping it onto her finger and kissing her hand tenderly.

"Say something," He pleaded, a small blush creeping onto his cheeks.

"Thank you," Danika finally squeaked, sliding down from the arm of the couch and putting her arms around her husband to hug him. Everyone around them clapped and Danika's cheeks were starting to burn from smiling so widely.

"Well, if we're done with that," Fili said jokingly, causing the whole room to erupt into laughter. "I have something for _my_ wife."

"Uh-uh," Sigrid shook her head, holding up the box she'd brought in with her. "You first."

"I thought the rule was 'ladies first'," Thorin countered, but Fili was already unwrapping the package. Beneath it was a white clothing box and he eyed Sigrid cautiously.

"You're going to try and embarrass me with underwear, aren't you?" He snickered.

"Just open it," She shook her head at him.

But whatever it was in the box made Fili stop in his tracks. He'd lifted the lid only enough so that he could see inside and his frantic eyes went back and forth between the gift and his wife.

"Is this a joke?" He murmured quietly, but Sigrid only beamed at him.

"What is it?" Thorin leaned in his seat.

"Come on, Fili, show us," Kili prompted.

With slow movements, Fili reached into the package and carefully pulled out a tiny white onesie.

"Is that—?" Danika's heart swelled and she turned to face Sigrid, clapping her hands. "Are you—?"

"Yes," Sigrid's face was red, but her smile was bright enough to light up the room.

"You're pregnant?" Danika heard Wren say from the other side of the couch beside Thorin. "Congratulations!"

A teary-eyed Fili matched Sigrid's smile and he dropped to his knees in front of her seat and threw his arms around her with a happy cry.

"Merry Christmas," Sigrid said into her husband's blonde hair.

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><p>.<p>

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**Merry Christmas, sweethearts! No new chapter until next week ;) By the way, ****I really can't take the credit for Danika's neighbor- kkolmakov is responsible for writing the gorgeous and brilliant Wren! If you haven't read any of her stories, you really should (she's terrific!) This original character is tailor-made for a well-written Thorin!**

**If you like romantic Thorin stories, try CONVINCE ME THAT WINTER IS OVER by Kkolmakov**

**or any of the other stories she's written- they're all amazing**

**.**

**Want some Thorin/OC romance/angst? ****Try ****JEWELS AND DAGGERS**

_**Just as Thorin becomes engaged to be married, the dragon attacks Erebor and all is thrown into chaos! Men with wicked intent take captive some of the wandering dwarves- will Thorin, Frerin, and Dwalin be able to rescue the enslaved dwarves, including Runa, Thorin's beloved?**_

**.**

**Want some****Kili/Tauriel romance/adventure? Try ****STARS AND HAMMERS**

_**Fluff, Drama, Romance, Hurt/Comfort - This is a compilation of one-shots following Kili and Tauriel's one-year adventure as they accompany Bilbo back to The Shire (after the Battle of Five Armies) and then return to Erebor.**_

**.**

**Want some Fili/OC romance/adventure? Try ****GOLD AND FIRE**

_**Fili and Nur marry in secret just before he leaves for Erebor, but what is a lonely wife to do while her husband is braving life and death for their future? Covers the Battle of Five Armies and afterward.**_**_Explanations for some of the actions within the movies as well as some behind the scenes! A sequel to_ GEMS AND POISON**


	29. Bilbo Returns

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**III**

**HOW TO SURVIVE A MODERN AU**

_**Chapter 6—Bilbo Returns**_

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><p>Danika was sitting on the floor in front of her laundry machines, pulling out a dry, freshly heated blanket when she had this overwhelming urge to climb into the wide drum of the dryer to suck up all of its inner warmth. <em>You're such a spaz<em>, she told herself, _just wrap the blanket around yourself—_

_Knock knock knock!_ She jumped, startled, when the tap came from the front door of her apartment. Pulling the blanket around her shoulders, she stepped across the carpet and reached for the handle.

"Bilbo?" She blinked, looking the hobbit up and down with a hand flying to her mouth. "What the hell—"

"Tea first, talking later," the miserable Mr. Baggins said as he shivered.

Dressed in modern clothes that mimicked a Middle-Earth trend, Bilbo was dripping wet and making a puddle on Danika's welcome mat. She ushered him in quickly and helped him out of his soaked shoes and drenched jacket.

"Um," Danika was beginning to see that the rest of his clothes were not much dryer. "Here's the plan: the bathroom's to the left, you're going to throw everything in the tub, and I'm going to rifle through Kili's clothes to find something that will fit."

If Bilbo had anything witty to say, he kept it to himself and Danika satisfied herself with the tired nod he gave her, directing him to the bathroom and trotting to her bedroom closet to see what she might find. Thankfully, the hobbit and dwarves were practically the same height, having adapted to a modern fan fiction, but poor Bilbo was certainly much leaner than her thick, muscled husband. This would probably be the only time in her life that she wished he were a little less built…

Tossing the dry clothes into the waiting hobbit's hands, she listened for close of the bathroom door before she dove into the kitchen to light the stovetop beneath the kettle of water. Faster than she'd anticipated, Bilbo was standing in the archway of the kitchen, wearing the clothes that were obviously too wide for him.

"Have you been feeding Kili nothing but cake?" He smiled at her, pinching at either side of the large shirt.

Danika snorted. "Er, no. He doesn't look much different from the dwarf he was, just taller."

Bilbo shook his head. "Unbelievable. And here I am, nothing but skin and bones, and short to boot."

"You're not _that_ short," Danika squinted at him, raising her hand above her head to measure the height difference between them. "Not unless you're calling _me_ short." The kettle started to whistle and Danika poured it into the ceramic teapot, plopping two teabags into it and letting it steep. "I'm sorry it's not the same as home; modern tea is a little underwhelming—"

"Home?" The hobbit eyed her knowingly and crossed his arms. "I thought _this_ was home."

Danika winced, realizing she'd been caught calling Middle-Earth her home. "Yeah. It is. Kinda. Well…"

"You lot aren't getting along in this story very well, are you?" Bilbo reached into a cupboard, looking for a mug.

"We knew this was going to be hard." Danika rolled her eyes, hating to admit that it was true. "I just don't think any of us expected it to be this… well, boring."

"Boring?" Bilbo's eyebrows rose. "Well, you're welcome to accompany the Doctor any time you want; I promise you it will be anything but boring."

"Which brings us to back to the 'what the hell' remark." Danika poured tea into the waiting Bilbo's mug, stepping past him and waving a hand at the couch.

"Firstly," He grunted as he lowered himself to the couch cushion. "I want to state that I _did_ have the excitement I was looking for and that I brought a lot of this on myself."

"But it obviously wasn't what you thought it would be," Danika smirked at him, sitting and bringing her knees up in front of her, wrapping her arms around them.

"Not in the slightest," Bilbo closed his eyes and shook his head at her. "You have got to believe me when I say that I tried and tried, but I wouldn't wish those kinds of adventures on anyone." He took a slow sip of his tea, wrinkling his nose when the taste hit his mouth. "I see what you mean about modern and boring already."

"Bilbo," Danika sighed. "The wet clothes?"

"Right!" The hobbit's nose twitched. "I don't think I'm ready to tell the long version of this story, but the shorter version involves a planet made entirely of ocean-water and inhabitants that look like squids."

"Squids?" Danika's eyes widened and she leaned forward, as though assessing whether or not he was telling the truth. "And a planet made entirely of water? How does that even work?"

"The Doctor was explaining it to me when the Tardis was attacked by one of the squids, there was a struggle and I had to fix the broken antennae on the top of the blue box with my belt. I was nearly electrocuted!" Bilbo's arms went up in a huff. "And all the while, the Doctor kept babbling on about some sort of message from his future self and the water interrupting the signal—and telling me to hurry up so that we could get out of there!" He ran a hand over his face and shook his head. "It was humiliating and nerve-wracking."

"I'm so sorry, Bilbo." Danika patted his hand. "But at least you got here safely."

"Amen to that. I told him I knew exactly where I wanted to go next and he took me straight here. I don't think we'll be seeing him again for a while."

As if on cue, the front door opened and Kili stepped through, causing a small giggle to erupt from Danika as he looked at them in surprise.

"Well, normally, I'd take issue to other men calling on my wife while I'm away…" Kili fisted his knuckles against his hips. He looked Bilbo up and down, eyebrow quirking when he seemed to recognize that their guest was wearing his clothes, but then he laughed and came forward to hug the startled hobbit. "Good to see you, Bilbo. How was your adventure with the Doctor?"

While Bilbo let out a grumpy noise from his throat, Kili leaned over his wife to kiss her softly on the lips. He lingered there a moment, his eyes smiling at her in a way that made Danika's heartbeat quicken, like he was seeing her for the first time in ages. She might have melted into the couch if he hadn't picked her up with strong arms, lowering himself to the cushions and setting her over his lap as though it were the most natural thing in the world.

Gone were the grumpy noises from Bilbo and the hobbit's eyes twinkled. Danika almost rolled her eyes at him, knowing how fond he was of them as a pair, but she was a little distracted by the way Kili was errantly playing with her hair while he questioned Bilbo. She heard little of the conversation, concentrating for a moment on the tingles that ran through her back when Kili's fingers brushed over her neck.

This was home. This sensation of Kili's fingers touching her even in the smallest way, his woodsy scent and the rhythm of his breathing, which was a pattern she had unconsciously memorized. As much as she still longed for the beauty of Middle-Earth—and detested the daily routine of this mundane world—those feelings subsided when she was with her One. Home was not a place. Home was Kili.

"Fili and Sigrid are expecting, soon." Danika heard Kili say and the hobbit's eyes went almost as wide as his smile.

"That's fantastic!" Bilbo was practically bouncing, his air of manners forgotten in the wake of his joy. "That's so wonderful. And I expect you'll not soon be outdone by them." He winked.

Danika's face dropped and she knew Kili was wearing a similar frown.

"Bilbo," Kili started to speak, pausing for a moment, and Danika was searching for words herself.

_We don't want to._

_Not yet._

_Why is everyone pressuring us? It's our choice!_

_It isn't safe, there are villains still looking for us._

_I mean, I want to—definitely! _

_We can't think about that right now._

All the things that she wanted to say were passing through her mind, but she couldn't muster up the thoughts into a coherent order.

"We're not able to," Kili answered bluntly.

_Oh._ Danika tried to hide her surprise. _Or we could say that._ No more questions about it, no delving into details, no one putting expectations on them… despite her unease in telling such a lie, she understood the advantages of telling it.

Bilbo immediately looked struck by guilt. "I'm sorry—I didn't realize—I didn't mean—"

"It's fine, Bilbo," Danika heard Kili say behind her head. "So, tell us about the Doctor, how is he these days? I'm assuming something exciting happened, seeing as you're wearing my clothes."

As her husband gracefully segued into a new conversation, Danika fought against sighing in relief. As afternoon gave way to evening, they offered their couch to Bilbo for the night, but apparently Thorin had caught wind of the hobbit's return and had sent along a taxi and made reservations for a hotel room.

"How is the old man, anyway?" Bilbo had smirked at Danika, obviously referring to Thorin.

"Well…" She smiled, not wanting to give too much away before Bilbo found out for himself. "He's met someone."

"Has he, now?" Bilbo laughed, stepping out the front door and waving at the taxi driver waiting at the bottom of the stairs. "I get the feeling she's not normal in some way."

"Oh, she's perfectly normal," Danika defended. "No, she's exceptional—well, you'll see for yourself after you jump onto that plane."

"Does she know about…" Bilbo's eyebrows furrowed and he seemed to be looking for the right words. "Well, about the story? Does she know that she's a fictional character and that he's—"

"I don't think he's gone that far yet." Danika said as the driver began to walk to the car. "This cabby looks a little impatient." She bit her lip. Would it be terrible of her to admit that she didn't want Bilbo to go? Their afternoon together and helped her to gain a little perspective and she had already been missing the hobbit so much. And he looked as though he understood her thoughts perfectly because he smiled warmly at her and held out his arms to embrace her.

"We'll see each other again soon, I promise." Bilbo said, squeezing her shoulders before he descended the stairs. Suddenly, he turned and he opened his mouth as if to say something, but the words seemed to be stuck in his throat. "I'm… I'm so glad that… well, that we survived those stories and that everything turned out as well as it did for you. For all of us." He scratched the back of his head. "I'm very, very glad."

Danika knew she was blushing because she could feel the warmth in her cheeks and she crossed her arms, promising herself that she wouldn't break into tears as though this was the last time she would see her friend. "Thank you, Bilbo."

The cab drove off once Bilbo was inside of it and Danika found herself standing on her doorstep watching the vacant street, arms wrapped around herself in a small effort for comfort. A warm set of arms crossed around hers from behind and a stubbly chin rested on her shoulder.

"He'll be back." Kili murmured, kissing her jawline and sighing against her skin.

"I know…" Danika closed her eyes. "I just don't like saying goodbye to any of them."

"Come inside," He whispered against her cheek, taking one of her hands in his and leading her into their living room. After plopping onto their couch, Kili looked up at her and he must have sensed that she was mulling over something. Twitching a finger at her, he motioned for her to sit in his lap again, pulling Danika against his chest and resting his cheek on the top of her head as she curled into him.

"You're thinking," He murmured into her hair, tickling a few strands with his breath and making her smile.

"Am I that obvious?" Danika asked, burrowing her nose deeper into his chest and closing her eyes in contentment.

"Your body shuts down when your brain is working." He said, and she knew that he was grinning, even without looking at him. "It seems to work the other way around, too."

"Har har," She rolled her eyes, but he didn't seem to be laughing at his own joke. Daring to look up at his face, she realized he was staring straight down at her.

"It's the baby thing, isn't it?" He murmured hesitantly, his eyelids twitching as he watched her reaction.

_This_, she inwardly moaned, _is not how I wanted to start this conversation. _But she knew they needed to talk about it soon enough. "Yes."

"Just tell everyone what I told Bilbo," Kili shrugged, as if it solved the problem. "I know some of your friends have been badgering you—"

"It's not just that," She huffed, shoving her face back into the safety of Kili's chest. "It's… Kili, you've done this so many times, I would understand if you didn't want to have children at all."

"What makes you think I don't want children with you?" She felt the rumble of his voice from beneath his muscled chest. "Have you even asked me? And this, coming from the woman who says, 'Don't assume you know what I'm thinking'? That's a two-way road, love. You've got to give it if you want it back."

"I just don't want you to feel pressured into thinking that you—"

"Will you just ask me, already?"

"Fine. Kili, is it your hope to have children in the near future?"

"No."

"See? I knew you were—"

"Danika," He pulled her head away from his chest. "Stop hiding, come sit next to me so we can talk about this like adults."

"No," She shook her head. "I like right where I am. And who said we were being adults?"

"Danika," Kili growled.

She sighed. "I'm sorry." Moving to sit beside him, Danika propped her elbow against the back of the couch, leaning her head on her palm and looking Kili in the eye.

She was suddenly wishing she had done this at the beginning of the conversation because the expression on his face said that this was more important to him than he was letting on.

"I love you." He said softly, fingers fidgeting with the fabric over her knee. "And I don't want you to compare our lives to anything that's been written for me previously. That's not fair to you—I'm not the only one here. Yes, I do want children, but I most certainly do not want them right now." He took in a breath. "I've never said it because I was scared you were going to agree with me just for the sake of agreeing with me, paying no mind to your own thoughts." Kili raised a brow. "I guess I just botched that plan…"

"I wouldn't mind being a mother." Danika blurted out quicker than she meant. "But until I stop feeling like we're being chased around, I don't want to think about it. It's probably selfish, but being on the run with a pregnant belly sounds terrifying." She blew out the air she had been holding in. "And being on the run with an infant sounds even more terrifying. At least, if _I'm_ in danger, it's just _me_, but a baby…"

"I know," Kili nodded, drawing circles on her knee with his finger. "But this is good to know: it's an adventure we both want to take, just not right now."

Danika smiled at him, happy that they'd both been honest and that it had been resolved so quickly. She let her eyes roam over him in admiration, taking in the features that put butterflies in her stomach.

Kili's long, brown hair was pulled back into a ponytail, swept over his muscled shoulder which stretched the thin material of the tight, v-neck shirt he wore. Shaded, black tattoos were scattered over his forearms and the bend of his elbow. Shadowy scruff travelled from his neck to his chin, the thin beard eternally paused at a five-oclock shadow. All of these, she loved, but it was his eyes that caught Danika's attention—those once coffee-brown eyes had lightened to something warm and vibrant, like milk chocolate with a hint of yellow tones.

"You're so hot." The words left Danika's mouth in a dreamy voice before she could tell herself to shut up.

Kili's eyebrows rose. "Thank… you?"

A deep blush ran over Danika's hot cheeks. "Sorry."

"Sorry?" He grinned widely at her leaning forward.

"No, I'm _not _sorry, I'm…" She couldn't help the sigh that came next.

"You're…? Besotted. At least, that's what you look like."

"Yeah, yeah." She laid back on the couch and threw an arm over her eyes. "Make fun of me."

With her arm over her eyes, she couldn't see Kili coming after her, but she felt the shift in weight on the couch cushions and the crushingly heavy body that had crawled on top of her.

"I'd rather make fun _with_ you." He said in a humorously low seductive tone.

"Ugh," she tried pushing his face away from hers when his beard scratched against her chin. "The cheesy lines again?"

"Yes, they're genius." He wagged his eyebrows at her, smothering her with another kiss as she squealed under his weight.

"They're not!" She insisted, finally relaxing her struggling limbs and laughing.

"They _are_—because they work so well on you." Burrowing his face into her neck, Kili bit lightly at her skin.

Danika sighed in mock exasperation before giggling at the brush of his lips under her ear. "As much as I hate it, it's true…"

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><p><strong>.<strong>

**.**

**Thank you for being so patient! That's the trouble with writing three stories at once :( **

**By the way, this story is still open to prompts, so let me know if you have any ideas!**

**.**

.** Want some****Kili/Tauriel romance/adventure? Try STARS AND HAMMERS**

**Fluff, Drama, Romance, Hurt/Comfort - This is a compilation of one-shots following Kili and Tauriel's one-year adventure as they accompany Bilbo back to The Shire (after the Battle of Five Armies) and then return to Erebor.**

.

**Want some Thorin/OC romance/angst?****Try****JEWELS AND DAGGERS**

**Just as Thorin becomes engaged to be married, the dragon attacks Erebor and all is thrown into chaos! Men with wicked intent take captive some of the wandering dwarves- will Thorin, Frerin, and Dwalin be able to rescue the enslaved dwarves, including Runa, Thorin's beloved?**

**.**

**Want some Fili/OC romance/adventure? Try****GOLD AND FIRE**

**Fili and Nur marry in secret just before he leaves for Erebor, but what is a lonely wife to do while her husband is braving life and death for their future? Covers the Battle of Five Armies and afterward.****Explanations for some of the actions within the movies as well as some behind the scenes! A sequel to GEMS AND POISON**


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